Every 28 Days
by Surviving Sheika
Summary: Bella's suffering from. . .feminine issues. What will Edward do? And the rest of the Cullen family? Read and find out! Rated T to be safe!
1. Mood Swings

**And now for something completely different! Hi again! Okay I know I haven't posted one of these stories before but i'm not doing it alone! This chapter (and the rest of the story) is co-written by me and one of my BEST FRIENDS! But she doesn't have an account here and she wishes to remain nameless. Nonetheless, she wrote most of this chapter, she's better at comedy things. I encourage my watchers to try reading this, it is a Twilight Fic but it doesn't really have much to do with Twilight. . .But anyway, we hope you enjoy "Every 28 Days". Thanks! We do not own Twilight, it belongs to Stephenie Meyer! Reviews are loved!**

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The Week Before - Part 1:

"Hey Alice . . . can I talk to you about something? Something . . . private?" I asked awkwardly, my eyes on the plush, white carpet of the Cullen home. I could already feel my cheeks starting to turn pink.

"Sure Bella!" Alice chirped, putting down the vase of flowers she was holding, and dancing over to my side. "What do you need? Oh! Maybe you need a new outfit? I know! There's this great store-"

"No, Alice! This isn't about clothes," I exclaimed, "this is more important than shopping."

Alice looked appalled. "What," she gasped, "could EVER be more important than shopping? Besides Jasper of course."

"Well," I answered, pausing for effect, "grades; Edward; my health; Edward; making sure I don't trip and kill myself; _Edward_…hmm…what else? Did I mention **Edward**?"

Suddenly Alice's hand appeared over my mouth. "I get it. You love Edward." I smiled under her hand. "Now what did you want to talk about?" She asked, kindly removing her hand. I looked away from her caramel colored eyes and back down at the carpet. I didn't notice when Alice's eyes suddenly drifted out of focus and her face shifted into a mask of horror. In a voice barely above a vampire whisper (much too low for me to hear, of course, being the _human_ that I am) she said, "No."

I fidgeted, not hearing her and mumbled, "Well, um, do you know about," I ran my fingers through my hair nervously, "womanly issues?" I asked, hoping she'd catch my drift. Luckily she did…I think.

"Say no more Bella," she said hurriedly. "Esme! Carlisle! _Rosalie!_" She shrieked in a voice loud enough for humans to hear a mile away.

I groaned. _What have I done?_ I thought to myself, my cheeks turning bright red. _Once she tells Rosalie there would be nothing to stop Emmett from teasing me about it for _days_ on end._ Then another thought occurred to me, this one was a thousand times worse than any perverted joke that Emmett could create about me. _Edward._ _He can read Alice's mind. What was I thinking? I have no time for this. I need to escape, and quickly too. Yes, escape. The door. Walk out quietly. Get in the truck. No! Screw the truck, too loud. I need to run for it. Run for everything I'm worth. Wait a minute, I'm surrounded by super fast vampires, and they'd catch me in two seconds. That was a stupid idea- knowing me; I would kill myself tripping over my own feet while trying it. I know! I could-_

"Hey Bella," a booming voice interrupting my train of thought. I turned slowly to see the large form of Emmett standing behind me, a grin stretching from ear to ear over his face. "My, that's a **wonderful** impression of a tomato you're doing. Is it Halloween already?" He chuckled to himself, always happy to make a joke at my expense. I avoided looking at his face and tilted my face downward as if the carpet was especially interesting today, letting my hair hide my face.

"No, Emmett. I'm just here to talk to Alice." I said, still trying desperately to think of a way to escape.

"Reeeeeally?" He boomed, "I figured you were here to make out with Edward!" He laughed loudly again, clutching his sides as if he had just made the funniest joke in history.

"What's this about making out with Edward?" He asked, appearing at the top of stairs, looking every bit as beautiful as a Greek God. I automatically looked up when I heard his voice. He stood at the top of the stairs wearing a black tank top and an open white t-shirt. He wore simple blue jeans that were faded at the knees and ragged at the bottom. He smiled down at me with his most dazzling vampire smile, and for a moment I forget how to breathe.

"Well speak of the devil, here he is," Emmett said, still talking loudly. "In all of his male godliness, descending the stairs with such grace that I think I'm just a little bit jealous." He turned back to me, "Are you sure you didn't stop by for a quick make out session with Edward, Bella?"

Edward arrived at the bottom of the stairs and stood leaning against Emmett, looking at me with a mixture of love and amusement. I felt myself turning redder if possible; Emmett observed with great interest as the blush spread to my neck and the roots of my hair. Even Edward was chuckling, though he was trying to cover it with a poorly executed cough.

Suddenly I felt a wave of rage. "Shut up, Emmett. You too, Edward," I screamed, instantly silencing their laughter. "You don't know what's going on. You don't know what it feels like so just _shut up!_" I stared at them, my breathing short and ragged due to my extreme rage, tears forming at the corners of my eyes. I spun on my heel and stormed to the door, turning my back on their shocked faces. I reached the door, yanked it open…and promptly tripped over my own two feet and nearly collided with the wood floors of the Cullen's porch, ruining my dramatic exit. Luckily, Edward had recovered enough to catch me. Very slowly, he lifted me away from the floor and set me back on my feet.

"Bella, love?" He asked, I could tell that he was worried by the sound of his voice. "Are you okay?" I don't know why but I felt compelled to look at him. But a single look into his liquid topaz eyes, now filled with worry, sent me over the edge. I burst into tears, violent sobs escaping from somewhere deep inside me. I buried my face into the soft fabric of his black tank top. My hands held pieces of his white t-shirt; I only wanted one thing in that moment, and that was to bring Edward closer to me. Under me I felt his body go stiff with surprise, then it relaxed and his hands gently rubbed my back.

In the background I could hear Emmett screaming frantically. "What do we do?" He bellowed, "Carlisle! Bella's lost it! I think we broke her!" He paused for a moment, rethinking his thoughts. "Wait," he said. "Scratch that." He resumed screaming, "It's Edward's fault! _He _broke her!"

Suddenly I tore myself free from Edward's loving grasp. With tears still streaming down my face I launched myself at Emmett, screaming profanities. I must have caught him off guard because the next thing I knew I was sitting on his chest, I had somehow managed to topple him. I sat on his rock hard chest and punched his face to punctuate every word. "Take. It. Back. You. Jerk. You'll pay for that!" I knew I wasn't hurting him but it felt good to work off some of my rage.

In between punches Emmett was yelling to Edward. "Get. Her. OFF! What. The. HELL. Are. You. WAITING. For?!" The next thing I knew I was across the room, suspended in the air by Edward's iron arms. Yet I still kicked and screamed and struggled against his icy grasp, desperate to claw at Emmett. "I'll get you, Emmett," I screeched. "I'll get-" My threats were interrupted by Alice's shocked voice.

"What is going _on_ over here?" She stood at the base of the stairs, mouth open in shock. To her left stood Carlisle with a face of absolute confusion, and Esme, who seemed alarmed by my actions. To Alice's right stood Rosalie, who seemed extremely pleased with what she saw.

"You go, girl."

I went limp in Edward's arms. "Hey Alice, Rosalie. Good afternoon, Carlisle, Esme." I smiled warmly at all of them.


	2. Family Meetings Gone Bad

**Hey everybody! We're so glad that you liked our first chapter! So we now happily bring you chapter two! If possible this one was even more fun to write! We've got a few surprises in store for you. So sit back, relax, maybe grab a glass of juice, and get ready to laugh you're heads off for "Family Meetings Gone Bad"!! We hope to get the next chapter up quickly. We have a few funny ideas in store. Thank you for all your kind reviews and thanks to everyone who put us on alert or favved us! We really appreciate it! **

Twilight and all characters are (c) Stephenie Meyer**

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**The Week Before: Part Two - Family Meetings Gone Bad**

After my wild mood swings were over and I had calmed down, the Cullens and I had a family meeting in their dining room. Silence reigned as we all sat ourselves down. After a moment, Carlisle cleared his throat.

"So . . . Bella. Do you mind telling us what was going on in the hallway?" he asked, his gaze worried but kind.

Suddenly I felt like crying all over again. The Cullens watched with horror as more tears started dripping down my cheeks. "I'm so sorry! It's all my fault! _I'm so sorry!"_

With a scream of terror, Emmett took off running, his chair tipping over in his haste. "She's really broken! Oh God! I had nothing to do with it, _I swear!"_ He yelled as he raced through the house, trying to escape my wails. "Edward, _fix her!"_

Edward, Alice, and Rosalie were staring, mouths open, not understanding what was wrong with me. Jasper clutched his head, the emotions in the room too much for him to handle. Esme was watching her children with a very worried expression while Carlisle sat by her side, watching us all with the calm, trained eye of a doctor. When I look back on that scene, I'm surprised no one was laughing; it must have pretty fun to watch.

I could faintly hear Emmett's chorus of "_Make her stop!"_ coming from somewhere in the distance. Then suddenly I felt myself moving. I opened my eyes enough to recognize the blurry form of Edward's chest. He had pulled me into his lap and was holding me tightly. He was gently rocking me back and forth and I could hear him humming my lullaby over the sound of my sobs. Slowly my tears dried up and my sobs were quieted.

Esme brought me a glass of juice and asked me if I was feeling better. I nodded and she said quietly, "Emmett, please come take your seat at the table." Instantly Emmett's head appeared around the corner, checking to make sure I had stopped crying before taking his spot at the table.

The room went silent and I felt that I should be the first to speak. "I really am sorry. If I knew what was happening I would try to control it. But these things just come so randomly; I know something must be triggering it but I-"

Emmett interrupted, "Well I can solve that mystery. It's all Edward's fault. He's the reason you keep going psycho on us," he said, pointing to Edward as he said it. And then it happened. Again. I realized that only as it was happening and I was helpless to stop it.

"You are dead!" I screamed, twisting around in Edward's lap. Using his legs as a springboard I launched myself at Emmett who had jumped up at the sound of my voice. I dove over the table, knocking over my glass and splashing Rosalie, who screamed in horror.

"My shirt!" She yelled. "Bella!" But I didn't hear her; the next thing I knew, I was dangling above the ground, my hands clasped securely around Emmett's neck. If he hadn't been a vampire I was sure I would have been choking him. Instead I just seemed to be causes him general discomfort. His amber eyes were glaring at Edward. I have no doubt that in his head he was screaming for Edward to help him. Finally Edward jumped up and pried my hands away from Emmett's throat, but by then I had also wrapped by legs around Emmett's waist. I wasn't about to let go without a fight.

Rosalie was by our sides instantly, accusing me of ruining her blouse and threatening to slap me. Edward quickly shoved Rosalie aside. This made her angrier and she began fighting Edward instead. Released from Edward's grasp I clawed my way back up Emmett's shirt and continued strangling him.

In the next room Rosalie and Edward could be heard screaming, cursing and smashing into things. "My house!" Esme yelled. "Rosalie! Edward! Stop it right now and get back here." Rosalie reappeared acting as if nothing had happened; Edward stormed in after her looking very annoyed.

"Edward!" Emmett shouted. "Help!" Edward rushed over and we continued where we had left off. Only thing was this time I refused to release my grip of Emmett's throat. I fought hard but I still was no match for Edward's iron grip. He got my hands off but as soon as he tried to get my legs I grabbed Emmett's throat again.

"Alice! Hey Alice!" Edward screamed. "Can you give me a hand here? She always seems to calm down when you talk to her." Edward had his arms around my torso and was trying to separate me from Emmett without hurting me. "Alice!" He screamed when after a moment Alice had not moved.

Alice's eyes were wide and unfocused. Her lips moved silently. I still don't know what she saw in that vision but it must have been bad because suddenly she screamed, "_NO!"_

The room instantly went silent. All eyes turned to Alice, who was now standing, clutching her head and shaking it violently, as if hoping to erase the image from her mind. Edward must have seen it too because I felt his grip on me loosen and, for a split second, I was falling, then someone else had me in their arms. I looked up to see the worried face of Esme, but she wasn't looking at me. She was looking at a horrified Edward who had sunk into a nearby chair.

"Alice," he whispered, barely loud enough for me to hear, "Is it" he seemed to be struggling greatly with his words, "Is it true?"

Alice took a shuddery breath and nodded before screaming, "_Bella's going to die!"_

My entire body suddenly went limp. My feet slid off of Emmett's waist and fell loosely to the floor. I leaned heavily on Esme; I could already feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

"What?" I whispered, my voice beginning to rise in hysteria.

"_You're going to die!"_ Alice and Edward screamed in unison.

"Are you sure?" Carlisle asked, concerned.

Alice nodded, head down. "I saw this vision just a little while ago. That's why I wanted to talk to you guys. I wasn't sure if it was true or not. But IT IS!!!!!! BELLA'S GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!! I'M NOT READY FOR HER TO GO YET! WE STILL HAVEN'T IMPROVED HER FASHION SENSE YET!" She collapsed on the ground in hysteria.

"Oh, Bella!" Esme cried, pulling me into her arms. She hugged me close, afraid that if she let go that I would disappear, I hugged her back, not wanting my time with them to be over.

A moment later Edward joined us, the three of us stood in a small triangle. I was crying and both of them held me tightly, trying to reassure me, and themselves, that things would be okay in the end. Across the room Jasper was trying to calm Alice and Carlisle was trying to get more information about her vision. Emmett was trying to calm Rosalie in the corner of the room.

Suddenly a new feeling was bubbling up inside of me. I don't know what triggered this, maybe it was the touch of his cool skin or the smell of his breath but something in that moment drove me wild.

The next thing I knew I had stepped out of their loving embrace and jumped up towards Edward. My legs were wrapped securely around his waist and my hands held his face. "Edward!" I yelled my eyes glittered back at his, "Take me, Edward! _I'm yours!"_ And with that I pulled his face to mine and kissed him for all I was worth. I threw my arms around his neck and pressed myself against him. I could feel his lips moving under mine, trying to ask me what I was doing. I moved mine back telling him to shut up. I pressed my body harder against his and I felt the strange sensation of falling. I heard the crash as Edward landed on the floor. I took this to mean that he wanted more.

Without breaking the kiss I found the collar of his shirt and began sliding it off of his shoulders. Suddenly his cold hands were on my face, pulling me away from him, holding my face above his. I was breathing heavily and my face was flushed because I had gone so long without air. Edward stared back at me with a look of total bamboozlement. Suddenly I was aware of the awkward silence that had filled the room. Instantly my face turned red and I continued blushing for several agonizing moments until I heard Emmett say, "See? I _told_ you she was just here to make out with Edward!"

I heard a collective groan from the family and what sounded like Rosalie slapping Emmett. "That's it!" I yelled. "Come here you! You are so dead!" I rolled off of Edward and crawled under the table, hoping to reach Emmett before anyone had a chance to stop me. Unfortunately Alice saw my plan. She tackled me with all the vampire force in her tiny body. It happened so quickly that I didn't realize what had happened until I saw the broken glass lying around me on the wood floor and felt the familiar sensation of pain.

I groaned and looked up at Alice, who was close to hyperventilating. "Alice? What just happened? Where am-" And then it struck me. I was sitting on the Cullens' front porch. Alice had apparently tackled me through the window and out onto the front porch. THE FRONT PORCH PEOPLE! Note to self: stop hanging around with super strong vampires who can toss you around like a rag doll. Edward and Carlisle appeared at the shattered frame of the window.

"Bella, love? Are you okay?"

"Bella, I think it would be best if you went and lied down for a while. We'll be finished quickly and I," he paused, choosing his words carefully. "I want to make sure you aren't hurt."

Esme came out and helped me stand. Using her as a crutch, I made my way upstairs to Edward's room. Esme settled me on his soft, black couch and brought me another glass of juice. Stroking my hair she asked, "Will you be okay by yourself for a little while?"

I nodded and sipped my juice. It tasted a little strange but I figured it was just my imagination. "Okay then. We'll be downstairs then, just call if you need anything." She kissed my forehead and then disappeared silently. I finished my juice and began to drift in and out of a light sleep.

I don't know how long I had been asleep but when I woke up I was curled up with Edward, my head resting on his chest. He had placed a CD into his CD player and was humming along to it.

"So what did Carlisle say?"

Edward said nothing. I looked up to see him staring out the window. "He said," he paused, "are you sure you are okay to hear this?" I nodded. He sighed, "He said that Emmett and I have to leave for a week. We're the cause of most of your," he cleared his throat, "mood swings. He also said that if Alice can't control herself then she's out too."

"You're leaving me?" I shrieked. "Why? Why, why, why?" My voice jumped up several octaves and tears welled up in my eyes.

Edward sat up slowly and pulled me into his lap. "Don't you love me?" I screamed at him before burying my face into his chest.

He stared at me for a moment, "Of course I love you Bella. But Carlisle said this would be the best way to help you." I started crying and my sobs increased in volume. "Don't cry, Bella, darling. Please don't cry. It will only be for a week. Then I promise I will never leave you again. Okay?" He lifted my chin out of his chest and I stared at him though flooded eyes. He was using every ounce of vampire dazzle he could muster. And I must admit it was working.

With tears still streaming down my face I mumbled my reply, "Fine. But can you promise to do one last thing for me?"

"Anything Bella, love." I smiled to myself. I was hoping he'd say that.

"Close your eyes, then. _Eddie, darling._" Edward looked bewildered.

"Did you-"

"Shh, now." I said, gently pushing his eyelids closed. I slid the white t-shirt he was wearing off of his shoulders. He started to protest but I reminded him, "You said _anything._" He grumbled but said nothing. I quickly removed my sweatshirt to reveal a small, blue camisole underneath. I pushed him flat onto the couch again and lay down on top of him. "Now kiss me like you mean it." I said before attacking him. I pressed my lips onto his and kissed him like there was no tomorrow.

I don't know what it was but I just had such a sudden rush of lust and he just looked so _hot _that I simply couldn't resist. My hands flew over his chest and his traced patterns over my back. In a sudden inexplicable urge I ripped his black tank top off of his chest. Gasping for breath I took my lips away from his but kept my eyes closed as he kissed my neck.

I pressed my chest into his, enjoying the coolness of his skin. I was so absorbed in the moment that I didn't hear Emmett burst into the room. He started to say something but then changed his mind. He disappeared out the door but returned a moment later. Using his vampire speed he was able to replace the shirtless form of Edward with a stone statue without my noticing. It took me a moment to open my eyes and realize that my darling Edward was no longer there with me. Instead it was a poorly sculpted statue with a paper sign taped to the front. On the sign, written in Emmett's sloppy handwriting was Edward's name. I spun around to see Emmett barely containing his laughter in the doorway.

"Emmett you jerk!" I screamed, my words slurring slightly and as I jumped off the couch and chased after him. He raced down the stairs ahead of me. A shirtless Edward stood at the bottom of the stairs, not understanding anything that was happening. But one look at my angry face, tears still streaking down my cheeks, and one silent command from me later he was racing across the yard after Emmett. I tripped down the last few steps and slid to a stop in the doorway.

I waved my fist angrily. "You better hope I never get my hands on you Emmett or will be dealing with the angriest girl in the world! And she wants to get her hands on you! And when she does YOU'RE DEAD! DEAD, YOU HEAR ME?! Because you'll have the angriest girl in the world on your hands!" My words were beginning to slur more and more and I slowly realized that I was talking in circles. I watched the pale, retreating form of Emmett race towards his jeep, a shirtless Edward close on his heels. Suddenly I wanted him again.

"Wait, Edward! I can't let you leave looking so _sexy!_ Come back and say goodbye!" But he didn't come back. Instead he waved and mouthed something from the window of Emmett's jeep. He held his hands up to the window, making a small, silver heart with them. Suddenly I was hysterical. My knees gave out and I collapsed in a heap, sobbing into my hands.

"He's gone! And he's never coming back! Is he? _Is he?"_ I sobbed loudly, ignoring the worried stares of Alice and Esme behind me. Then next to me I heard someone else collapse and burst into dry tears. But his wailing voice was deeper than Alice's or Esme's. I looked over, though my tears, to see the blonde head of Jasper on the floor next to me.

"They're not coming back," I said to him.

"I'm going to miss them," he sobbed. We took each other in our arms then, and sat there, in front of the door, sobbing out into the world.

"This is going to be a long week," Carlisle said, wrapping his arm around his wife's shoulders.


	3. Tango, Trees and Tea Parties

**Okay, I don't know what to say. This took too long, because I had to do it myself. I'm going to say this now, I don't care if this sounds mean, but I'm tired, and its late, and I had to work really hard on this. So I don't care if you don't like this. If you don't think its funny, if you think the characters are out of character. We are not writing this for your amusement, we are writing it for ourselves. If you don't like it, please do me a favor, don't comment. I don't want to be mean, but for this story, we don't want constructive critism. We want to write this for ourselves and share it with anyone who would enjoy it. So please enjoy this schedualed mayhem. If you laugh or like it, comments are appreciated, if you hate it, no one is forcing you to read it. My friend and I wish you happy reading. Yes I am aware it's a long chapter, she felt like there weren't any good places to stop. Next time: we switch to Edward's POV for even more mayhem!**

Title: Tango, Trees, and Tea Parties

The Week Before: Part 3

Esme brought me another glass of juice and settled me in the living room. She waited until I had taken a sip and then asked if I would be okay. I nodded weakly and Jasper appeared at the foot of the couch.

"I'll stay with her, Esme. If I keep sending her waves of calm then she should do fine," he said, smiling reassuringly.

Esme seemed pleased; she gave me a quick kiss on the forehead and then walked back into the dining room to rejoin Carlisle and Alice. Rosalie had gone up to her room to change clothes.

Back in the dining room Alice was the first to speak, "Something is definitely wrong with Bella. Carlisle, you spend the most time with sick people, what's wrong with her?"

"Don't worry, this isn't anything to get too worked up over. She just-"

Suddenly Alice interrupted. "Oh no!"

"What's wrong, Alice? Are you having a vision?" Esme asked her voice filled with concern.

Alice nodded. "You know how Bella's been acting strange lately?" They both nodded. "Well she's about to get a lot stranger," she said, pointing towards the living room where a light laughter could be heard. Esme and Carlisle exchanged nervous glances and rushed into the living room. They both gasped when they saw what had happened, Alice just groaned and rubbed her face with her hands.

"Bella?" Esme asked, cautiously. "What are you doing?"

We made it across the room in three long steps. I leaned into the dip before I answered, "The tango! What else?" Jasper giggled like a schoolgirl again as I pulled him out of the dip and then spun him in a quick circle before leading him back across the room.

"Bella, stop it!" Alice yelled. A sudden flash of light caught our attention. Rosalie stood next to Alice in the doorway, her silver digital camera in her hand. "Rosalie? What are you doing?"

"Taking pictures of course," she purred. "I want to show Edward what's going on around here while he's gone."

"Edward?" I whispered, dropping Jasper to the floor with a loud thump. I made my way over to the couch and sank down. "I really miss him," I said, taking a sip of my juice.

"Oh, Bella," Rosalie said, "What are you drinking? It stinks, like," realization dawned on her face. "Oh no," she disappeared and before anyone could ask what was going on she returned with a clear glass bottle filled with a dark liquid. "Esme, is this what you've been filling Bella's glass with?"

Esme looked carefully at the bottle before nodding, "Yes, that's it. Why?"

Rosalie groaned. "That isn't juice! That's alcohol! That moron husband of mine bought it as a gag gift for Bella. He was going to give her a little at graduation and see what she was like drunk!"

"Alcohol!" Esme, Carlisle and Alice screamed in unison. Alice quickly took the drink out of my hands.

"Bella don't drink that. Carlisle what do we do?" Alice yelled.

Carlisle was the only one not panicking. "Esme, dear, take Bella upstairs. Rosalie make sure you get rid of all the alcohol; make sure Emmett hasn't hidden any more of it while you're at it. Jasper you are not allowed to go into Edward's room. The best thing for Bella right now would be to sleep off the alcohol. Alice I want you to let me know if you see anything happening with Bella. I'm going to be in my office, I want to see if there is anything that will help Bella sober up faster. People haven't come to me saying they were too drunk before."

I was a bit disoriented but when Esme put me down on Edward's couch and slipped a pillow under my head and a blanket over my body, there was nothing I wanted more than to sleep. I drifted happily into the warm arms of unconsciousness.

Finally things returned to their normal calm in the Cullen house. Carlisle was working in his home office; his search for something to sober me up had turned up empty. So he was working on some paperwork from the hospital where he worked. Rosalie was in her room, giving herself a manicure. Esme had finished cleaning the house and was tending to her gardens outside the front of the house. Alice was in her room shopping online and Jasper was sitting alone in the living room, trying to keep control of his emotions. So no one noticed when he suddenly vanished into the yard.

I had woken up from my nap but still felt a little funny because of the alcohol Emmett had snuck into the house. I decided that a little fresh air might help; I opened the glass-door-sized windows and let the warm breeze wash over me. That's when I noticed Jasper. He was sitting with his back to me a few branches above the window in the nearest tree.

"Hey Jazzie," I called, giving him a nickname just like I had done for Edward, "Whatcha doing up there?"

To my surprise Jasper fell backwards when I started talking to him. I was afraid that I had interrupted him and that he had lost his balance. Without thinking I jumped out to window to try and catch him screaming, "Look out!" But his feet were wrapped securely around the branch and he was never in danger of falling. He ended up grabbing my wrists and we hung there for a moment. Looking up at him I laughed, "You're upside-down, Jazzie!"

He laughed too and swung me back into Edward's room before I slipped and fell. I started to laugh even harder when his loose green t-shirt slipped off and fluttered to the ground, leaving his bare chest gleaming in the sunlight.

"Jazzie what are you doing out there?" I asked again.

"I was having a tea party."

"You don't drink tea," I pointed out.

He considered this for a moment. "It was invisible tea!" I started laughing again. He pretended to smooth the wrinkles of his imaginary shirt and said, in his attempt at a butler's voice, "Won't you join Master Jazzie for tea, Miss Bella."

I answered him with the most obnoxious voice I could think of, "Miss Bella would simply adore tea time with Master Jazzie." I said before Jasper swung me out into the tree so that our heads were nearly level. I don't know how long we sat there; drinking out imaginary tea but at some point I remember seeing Alice burst into Edward's room.

"Bella, how are you-" she stopped short when she realized I wasn't on the couch. She took a quick scan of the room but didn't see anything. She darted out and then back in again. "Bella?" She called, "Bella!"

"Hi Allie!" I waved from the tree.

"Bella! Allie? Never mind, Bella what are you doing in a tree? And Jasper Hale! Carlisle told you that you were not allowed to step foot into Edward's room! And why are you upside-down?" She yelled glaring at us.

I spoke first. "Miss Bella and Master Jazzie are having an imaginary tea party," I said in my obnoxious voice.

"Master Jazzie wishes to report that he is not in Edward's room. He is _outside_ of it," Jasper said in his butler's voice.

Alice growled, "Why are you talking like that? And why are you upside-down?"

We paused and looked at each other. "We don't know," I replied. We sat there for another moment, thinking hard. We didn't notice when Alice ran out of the room and we were still deep in thought when she returned a moment later with Carlisle and Esme by her side.

"See? See what I'm talking about? They've lost it!" She yelled.

"Bella, dear?" Esme asked, stepping closer to the window, "What are you doing?"

"Oh hi Essie! Hi Carlie! Jazzie and I are having an imaginary tea party. Would you care to join us?" I asked happily. Rosalie appeared in the doorway, attracted by Alice's yelling. "Oh good timing Rosie! Could you please get Allie out here so that we can all have a tea party together?"

"Essie?"

"Carlie?"

"_Rosie?!_"

"And Allie. Can you believe it? And he's," Alice pointed to Jasper, "'Jazzie'."

"Bella I think you should come inside now," Carlisle said. "I think you're still a bit drunk and I don't want anything to happen to you."

I pouted for a minute. "Fine, Carlie, I'll come inside. But you'll have to help me," I said, stretching my arms towards him.

He leaned out and plucked me easily from the tree as Alice gasped again. We all turned instinctively to look at her.

"Carlisle," she moaned, "It's going to happen soon! And," she paused, "Bella's going to be sick!" As if one cue my stomach was suddenly unsettled. I felt the blood drain from my face and before I could mumble "I don't feel well" I found myself being thrown into the bathroom by Alice. And just in time, I started gagging over the toilet bowl and felt someone gather my hair and hold it behind my head. I could hear Carlisle's voice in the other room.

"Rosalie have you gone hunting recently?"

She mumbled some sort of reply but I assumed that she had because Carlisle moved his attention to Alice and Jasper, who had returned from the tree. "Alice and Jasper, I want you to go to the store and pick up some food for Bella. I don't think Charlie will mind her staying over here for a little while and I wouldn't feel right knowing she would be alone most of the time at her house. But just to make sure stop by and consult Charlie. And get some clothes for Bella while you're there."

"Alright, Carlisle. Let's go Jasper." Alice said, dragging him out of the room.

"Okay, goodbye Miss Bella," he called in the direction of the bathroom.

After I had spent a few minutes on the bathroom floor without gagging I considered it safe to go back into Edward's room. That's when I noticed it. Jasper had dropped his phone as he was being dragged from the room. I glanced around quickly and, finding the room deserted, quickly crawled over to it, not trusting my legs, and dialed Edward's number. It rang an annoying number of times before someone finally picked up.

"Hey, Jasper! How's it going stuck back in a house with a crazy Bella on the loose? Has she attacked you yet? What Edward? You want to talk to-OW! Jeez what was that for you rage-a-holic? Yeah, Jasper, Edward just smacked me. Talk about crazy."

"Hi, Emmie," I sighed into the phone. "It's surprisingly nice to hear your voice."

There was a stunned silence from the phone and I could hear laughter in the background, _his_ laughter.

"Jasper? Jasper what did you just call me?"

"Emmie! She called you Emmie! Emmett that's Bella on the phone, not Jasper," I heard Edward yell in the background.

"Well why didn't you tell me?" He shouted back. I didn't hear Edward's reply but Emmett said, "Stop laughing or you're little car is about to be totaled!"

"But Emmie," I said, interrupting him, "You're driving the Jeep."

Emmett uttered a long string of curse words, he was screaming so loudly I had to hold the phone away from my ear. There was a clattering sound followed by several seconds of silence before his voice came on, "Bella, love? Bella, can you hear me? Are you still there?"

"Eddie!" I breathed happily. "I miss you."

"I miss you too. How are things going at home?"

"Okay, Master Jazzie and I had an imaginary tea party. We tried to get Allie to join us, and we thought she was going to when she brought in Carlie and Essie but she just wanted to get us out of that tree. And then Rosie showed up and we were hoping she would join us but she didn't."

"Bella what are you talking about? Why were you in a tree?"

"Oh see the answer to that is very simple, Eddie. You see," I paused; I realized that I didn't know why I had been doing all those things. Luckily Rosalie poked her head into Edward's room.

"Bella, come on, I'm taking you shopping. If you're staying here for a while then you're getting a new mini-wardrobe. In fact, Alice will probably be home soon, we'll take her along too."

"Oh Rosie! You're just in time! Can you explain to Eddie why I've been doing all those things that I've been doing?" I held out the phone. Rosalie was confused for a moment until I held the phone out to her.

Taking it she said, "Edward? Are you driving? Is Emmett there? Who's driving? Good. Well you see, Bella's been a little drunk," she had to pause and held the phone away from her ear, even with my human hearing I could hear Edward screaming and the sound of tires squealing. "Yep," she said once Edward had stopped screaming, "You see, your dear brother Emmett had snuck in a bottle of alcohol and Esme had been giving it to Bella because it didn't have a label on it and she thought it was juice. So you have Emmett to thank for all of Bella's strange behavior. Bye, _Eddie_." She said before flipping the phone shut. "Right about now," she said turning to me, "he'll be beating Emmett to a pulp." She pulled me to my feet. "Now let's go shopping."

Alice appeared in the doorway. "Did I hear shopping?" She smiled broadly and jingled her car keys from her thin, delicate fingers. Jasper appeared behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and putting his chin on her shoulder.

"Can I come too?"

"Sorry, Jasper," Alice said, "Girls only. Besides, you need some time way from Bella." He sighed but gave Alice a peck on the cheek and then wandered off.

"Let's go ladies," Rosalie said, taking my hand and leading me out the door.

Rosalie and Alice each had one of my hands and were flying me downstairs at vampire speeds. I giggled happily but stopped abruptly when I saw a pale, unmoving shape at the bottom of the stairs, directly in our path. "Look out!" I screamed, squeezing my eyes shut. I braced myself for a thunderous impact but never felt one. Cautiously I opened one eye. Carlisle stood in front of the door with his arms crossed over his chest. Rosalie and Alice still held my hands and I realized that there wasn't going to be any impact; not with their lightning fast vampire reflexives. I laughed again.

Carlisle glared at his adopted daughters, "Bella is not to leave this house again until she is sober," he said sternly. "Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Carlisle," they mumbled in unison.

"Good. And Alice? Try to keep her away from Jasper for a while. I don't think its helping anything."

Alice smiled, an idea occurring to her, "Don't worry Carlisle, I know something that will keep his mind occupied," and she rushed off to find Jasper. Carlisle sent me back to Edward's room and I settled myself on the couch.

But I wasn't tired and didn't feel like sleeping. My eyes traced over the familiar stereo system and racks of CDs against the walls. My inevitably my eyes settled on a small nail I found in the wall. _It must have been holding a picture_, I thought. I continued staring at it as the overwhelming feeling of boredom grew inside of me. I don't know how long I stared at hit but eventually my eye began to twitch. Outside the light faded and the darkness of the night took over. In the rest of Forks I knew that everyone was asleep, but things were continuing uninterrupted in the Cullen house. I continued to stare at the nail until some time the next morning when Rosalie and Alice burst into my room.

"Ready to go, Bella?" Alice asked, full of her usual perkiness.

I turned towards them slowly, my eye still twitching. Alice began to slowly back out of the room. "Carlisle," she called, her eyes never leaving my face. "I think Bella's broken."

"Bella what happened to you?" My eyes found Rosalie.

"Well, you see," _twitch, twitch,_ "I found this nail on the wall," _twitch_, "And I just couldn't stop looking at it. So I stayed up to watch it." _Twitch, twitch._

"You stayed up? _All _night?!" She yelled. I nodded, _twitch, twitch, twitch._ She took my hand and said, "Well let's go anyway. You are always in need of a new wardrobe and I think a little time outside of this room, and this house, would do you some good. We can get you some coffee if you start to fall asleep."

"Coffee sounds good," I mumbled.

"Yes, Bella. We'll get some out at the mall." She said, humoring me. "Alice," she yelled, "Are you coming or not?"

Alice instantly appeared beside us. "Of course, but will she be okay?"

I nodded eagerly, "We're going to get coffee!"

Alice's eyes went out of focus but she must have enjoyed what she saw because she laughed and said, "We're going to have fun today!" And then we were off to the mall, speeding away in Alice's yellow Porsche.

Out at the mall we stopped to get a cup of coffee and then it was the biggest, and longest, game of Bella Dress-up that ever happened. It was straight from one tiny dressing room to another. There was everything from crew neck t-shirts and jeans to shirts with an insane amount of ruffles or a crazy neckline and mini skirts of six different varieties. Finally I couldn't take it anymore.

"Alice! I can't stand this anymore! Either let me pick out my own clothes or take me somewhere else!" I said, storming out of the dressing room in a pair of super low-rise jeans, that Alice said highlighted my long, thin legs, and a tight v-neck sweater in Edward's favorite color blue. Alice motioned and I rolled my eyes but spun around in a little circle like she had me do for the last thousand outfits I tried on. Rosalie appeared around the corner and quickly snapped another picture. "Will you stop that!"

She laughed, "Well would it make you feel better if you knew that these pictures will be used to torture Edward?"

I thought for a minute, "Did you get a good shot? Want to take it again?" She laughed. I walked back into the dressing room and started to change out of my clothes.

"Wait, Bella!" I heard Alice's voice calling from outside and a new outfit appeared over the top of my door.

"No! No, no, no, no and NO! I refuse to even look at that Alice! In what strange parallel universe would I never wear _that_?" I growled, backing away from the door and trying to press myself against the wall. Alice's head appeared over the door.

"Aww, Bella. Don't be a spoil sport. If you don't put it on," she said, thankfully lowering her voice, "I'll put it on for you!"

"No!" I said, stubborn as always. "And, how are you up there? The door's taller than you are." That's when I noticed that I couldn't see her feet; I opened the door and swung it out. Alice's head stayed above the door. I turned and found that her arms were supporting her entire weight and holding her above the door. She laughed and kicked me back into the dressing room.

"Now start changing."

"No," I said, crossing my arms over my chest. Unfortunately I made the mistake of turning my back on Alice. One minute I was dressed and the next minute my clothes were in a pile on the floor and Alice was sliding the last piece of the outfit onto me. "Alice," I groaned. "Why am I wearing this? Why did you do this to me? And," I stopped to look in the mirror, my face instantly taking on the color of a fire engine, "how can I ever trust you again?"

"Oh Bella stop being so overly dramatic. You look great and I knew you would. And besides," she wrapped her arm around my shoulder, "trusting me to pick the right clothes for you is about to be the least of your problems."

I didn't hear what she said; I was too busy trying to figure out why Alice had put me in this terrible outfit. The bra was in the same color navy blue as the shirt Alice made me try on. A curtain of sheer, light blue fabric hung from it and encircled my torso, extending down to just past the panties. Thankfully the covered me; they were in the same color as the bra.

Alice leaned up onto her tiptoes and whispered, "Now just think of your favorite smile of Edward's."

I automatically did as I was told; a warm smile spread over my face and the blush began to dim from my cheeks. That is it dimmed until Rosalie snapped a few more pictures. Then it was back to being bright red. "That's it! Get out!" I tried pushing against Alice, who was nearly doubled over laughing. Tears were already forming at the corners of my eyes. Somehow I managed to get Alice far enough so that I could slam the door and lock it. I quickly struggled out of the bizarre outfit and back into my normal clothes, an old pair of jeans, an orange t-shirt and grey zip-up hoodie.

I stormed out of the dressing room, past Alice who was holding her sides and laughing hysterically, and over to Rosalie who had enough courtesy to try and hide her laughter and keep a straight face. I dumped the piles of clothes into her arms and continued storming out of the store. A few moments after I left the store I was joined by Rosalie and after a few more seconds, Alice, with bags swinging from her arms.

"Come on, Bella, don't be mad. It was funny," Alice said. I turned my back to her. "Besides, Edward will go _crazy_ when he sees this picture."

I wheeled around to face her, "NO!" I shouted, attracting the attention of most of the mall. "You are never, EVER going to send that to Edward!"

"Why? You liked the idea of sending him that other outfit," Alice pointed out.

"But that covered my body!" I could feel the blush returning and quickly lowered my voice, dragging them over to a quiet corner where we could continue in relative secrecy.

Just then Rosalie's phone rang. At first I ignored it and continued arguing with Alice but once Rosalie starting laughing again I forgot our argument. "What's so funny?"

Alice's face brightened. "He got it?"

Between laughs Rosalie said, "He sure did!" They both started laughing now and neither would tell me why. Over their laughter I heard someone calling our names. First Rosalie's, then mine. It took me a moment to realize it was Rosalie's phone. I picked it from the ground and put it to my ear; only to quickly jerk it away.

"What on earth do you think you're doing? What's the big idea? Rose I swear when I get home I'm going to rip you apart and burn the pieces! Do you hear me? You are so-"

"Edward?!" I shrieked into the phone. "Oh, Edward is that really you?"

"Bella? Bella, love! Where are you? Have my sisters hurt you? What's-Emmett, stop thinking about that!" Static came over the line and I assumed that Edward had dropped the phone and was attacking Emmett because I could hear their muted voices in the background.

"Edward, tell me what's going on."

I heard him sigh, "Bella, did my sisters, by any chance, take you out shopping?"

"Yes, and Rosalie has been taking pictures all day."

There was a pause, "And did they make you try on something," another pause, "inappropriate?"

Suddenly things clicked together in my mind. I dropped the phone and screamed, "How could you?" Tears began streaming down my face and my hands balled into tight fists. "How could you do this to me? I asked you not to send it to Edward so you send it to Emmett instead? That's a thousand times worse," a sharp pain began to poke at my stomach but I ignored it for the moment. "Emmett will tease me about that for the rest of my life and I don't know how I can ever face Edward again." The pain became more pronounced. "I can't trust you, _either of you!"_ I turned and started to run off, my tears flying out behind me, when the pain suddenly increased and I toppled to the ground, hitting my head on the side of a bench.

Edward's voice, now thick with worry, still screamed from the phone on the floor. Alice and Rosalie's laughter had stopped and they could both hear his voice calling, "Bella? Bella, love what's happened? Bella? Bella! Answer me Bella!"

Alice picked up the phone, "Edward? I think she'll have to get back to you," she said, her eyes never leaving my body.

**Ohhh drama! **

**If you liked this chapter, please review, we like to hear that you enjoyed it. If not, go away.**


	4. A Picture Worth A Thousand

**Hi everyone, we're baaaaaaaack. Yeah so this chapter is from Edward's point of view. The boys haven't exactly been perfect little vampire angels while they were out. I must say that I had a lot of fun writing Emmett this chapter. And trust me, the next chapter is going to be filled with much more madness. We're planning it right now and already it sounds crazy. So we're going to go work on that, you read this. Please enjoy! Thanks to everyone who has reviewed or added us to alert/fav! All characters are (c) Stephenie Meyer but the story plot line is ours.**

**Title: A Picture Worth a Thousand…**

**EPOV**

"Wait, Edward! I can't let you leave looking so sexy! Come back and say goodbye!" Bella screamed from the doorway of my house.

Emmett nudged me in the ribs, "You know she's talking about me right? Don't worry its only natural; no girl can resist my charm." He grinned. I rolled my eyes and shoved him away. We ran into Emmett's Jeep and he revved the engine.

I held my hands up to the window and made a small heart, "I love you," I said, hoping that she would understand.

"Jeez, you're such a girl, Edward." Emmett laughed. I kicked him and the Jeep's tires squealed as we roared down the driveway and onto the highway.

"Did you really have to zoom off like that?" I asked once Bella was out of sight.

"Of course I did. If I had waited any longer you would have been reduced to a whining crying pile of vampire. Now, where are we going?"

"Well," I said, "we could-"

Emmett didn't wait for my response. "Vegas!" He yelled, swerving across several lanes of traffic to turn off the highway.

I groaned and rubbed my eyes. I was trying to think of a way to a way to talk Emmett out of Vegas when my phone rang in my pocket. I pulled it out, checked the number once and then handed it to Emmett. "It's for you."

He accepted the phone and flipped it open, "Hello!" He drawled happily. Instantly however his grin disappeared and his eyes became frantic. His hand flew off the wheel and he positioned the phone between his ear and his shoulder while clasping his hands in front of his face, "Please, Rose, please! Don't hate me! It was Edward's idea to go to Vegas!"

"No, it wasn't," I said calmly, reaching over and taking the wheel.

"But Rose," I heard him whine. He was silent for a few moments before he hung his head in shame. "I'm sorry, baby." He paused again, "I'm sorry, sexy baby?" He said, slightly unsure, he smiled again. "I'll bring you back something sparkly and expensive. Alright, bye." He hung up and turned to me.

"Well that was a stupid idea Edward. Honestly, Vegas? I'm a married man; you have a girlfriend at home! Shame on you. Well now I'm going to take control," He said. I ignored him. He'd been doing this for centuries. "So now, because of your stupid idea, we're going to the mall so that we can buy some things for the girls."

"Emmett," I said, "Have you forgotten that Bella never lets me buy her _anything_? I've keep trying but she always shoots me down. She's so stubborn that she won't let me go through with it. At some point I'm just going to surprise her with a special gift."

"Edward! I don't need to know the intimate details of you relationship with Bella! I know you've heard what I think about Rose but that is no reason to tell me what you and Bella have been up to!" I punched Emmett again and his face smacked against the car window. He laughed hysterically. I continued driving.

We ended up pulling over and I took control of the wheel before we ended up crashing. We drove around for hours trying to decide where to go. We couldn't agree on a place and Emmett obtained several new bruises, or as he called them "Edward's Abuse Marks". One for every time he suggested a strip club or similar location. We were still arguing when my phone rang. We didn't hear it at first because Emmett was busy screaming and trying to punch me back. Finally I fished the phone out of my jeans pocket and threw it to Emmett.

"You answer it, it's Jasper," I said.

"Hey, Jasper! How's it going stuck back in a house with a crazy Bella on the loose? Has she attacked you yet?"

"Emmett," I growled, "Bella is not crazy. I don't know what's going on with her but you will not talk about her like that."

"What's that Edward?" Emmett leaned over and put his arm around my shoulder, putting his hand over the phone, "Face it, bro. You got the crazy one. Sorry but we can't all get the sexy ones like-"

I punched him in the face.

"Ow! Geez, what was that for, you rage-a-holic? Jasper? Edward just punched me. Talk about crazy."

I was interested to hear what Jasper had to say so I began listening to Emmett's thoughts. "Hi Emmie. It's surprisingly nice to hear your voice."

The look on Emmett's face was priceless. He was stunned beyond belief. His mouth hung open and fear tinted his features. I laughed. "Jasper?" He squeaked. I laughed harder. "Jasper what did you just call me?"

"Emmie!" I yelled, still laughing. "She called you Emmie. That's Bella on the phone, not Jasper!"

"Why didn't you tell me?" He demanded. I tried to respond but found that I was laughing too hard to talk. "Stop laughing or your little car is about to be totaled!"

I tried to point out the fact that we were in his car, not mine but Bella beat me to it.

"But Emmie, you're driving the Jeep."

Emmett began cursing loudly. He dropped the phone and lunged for the steering wheel. We swerved though traffic for a minute and for once I was glad Bella wasn't here. She always yells at me for driving too fast, if she saw this she'd be having a heart attack. Finally I got the Jeep to turn onto a dirt road, where at the very least we wouldn't have to worry about hitting anyone else. I quickly jumped into the backseat and retrieved the phone from the floor.

"Bella, love? Bella are you still there? Can you hear me?" I asked.

"Eddie," she breathed, "I miss you."

"I miss you too. How are things going at home?"

"Okay, Master Jazzie and I had an imaginary tea party. We tried to get Allie to join us, and we thought she was going to when she brought in Carlie and Essie but she just wanted to get us out of that tree. And then Rosie showed up and we were hoping she would join us but she didn't." She sounded like she was slurring her words a little and I was rather puzzled by everything that had been going on.

"Bella," I said cautiously, "What are you talking about? Why were you in a tree?" I tried to control my growing rage towards my siblings who were clearly the cause of all of Bella's strange behavior.

"Oh, see, the answer to that is very simple, Eddie. You see," I heard her pause and smacked my face with my palm. She had no idea why she was doing anything. I could only imagine the horrible things my sisters were doing. I heard Rosalie's voice in the background and started getting annoyed again. I was about to demand that she be put on the phone when Bella said, "Oh Rosie! You're just in time! Can you explain to Eddie why I've been doing all those things that I've been doing?"

I waited for Rosalie to come on the line, trying to stay calm. Finally I heard her say, "Edward? Are you driving? Is Emmett there too? Who's driving?"

I rolled my eyes, classic Rosalie. "Emmett's driving now; we're going in circles through the woods."

"We're not driving in circles!" Emmett yelled. We ignored him.

"Good," Rosalie said. "Well you see, Bella's been a little drunk."

"WHAT?!" I roared. I started screaming profanities that even shocked Emmett. I was ready to tear Rosalie limb from limb for letting my poor little angle get drunk. Emmett immediately slammed on the brakes, sending us spinning through the forest, my outburst had startled him.

"Yep," Rosalie said calmly. "You see, your dear brother Emmett had snuck in a bottle of alcohol and Esme had been giving it to Bella because it didn't have a label on it and she thought it was juice. So you have Emmett to thank for all of Bella's strange behavior. Bye, _Eddie_." She clicked the phone shut.

I slowly turned my gaze to Emmett who was smiling back at me with the dumbest look on his face. "So what did Rose say?"

I lunged for him, growling, but before I could reach him he had opened the door and flipped outside. I chased after him; Emmett might have been the strongest in the family but I was definitely the fastest. I caught up to him and socked him in the jaw. He grabbed my waist and flipped me over his head but I wrapped my legs around his neck, pulling him down with me. We hit the ground hard and Emmett pinned my arms down.

"Be reasonable, Edward!" He growled.

I bit him in the forearm. He yelled and loosened his grip. I shot free of his hold and kicked him in the face. He hit the ground hard again and I grabbed his arm, twisting around his back. "Don't. Get. My. Bella. Drunk!"

Unfortunately Emmett was still stronger than me, even with only one arm. I was standing on his back so he hit me in the back of the knees and I wobbled, giving him the chance to roll over and pin me underneath him. As soon as I was on the ground he sat up and crossed his legs, positioning himself happily on top of my chest.

"Now Edward, hear me out. It was a prank. I didn't know that Esme would find it. I thought I had hidden it."

I tried to point out the fact that he had left it in the refrigerator but it is hard to talk when someone very heavy is sitting on your chest.

"But don't worry, it's only alcohol, the guy at the store said that it was a good starter drink because it is not very strong. Bella will be fine as long as she stops drinking it. Now let's get back into the Jeep and go somewhere fun where we can forget all about this," he said, beginning to stand up, "Might I suggest a strip-"

The second that I could move my arms they were clamped around Emmett's neck.

"Fine," he wheezed, "You do that while I drive."

"No strip clubs."

"Fine," he shrugged and we wandered back to the car, my hands never leaving his neck. We ended up driving around for several hours. We couldn't agree on a place to go. We stopped to refuel the Jeep and Emmett remembered that he had promised to buy a present for Rosalie. So we drove out to the mall and spent the rest of the afternoon looking at various diamonds, necklaces, rings and other sparkly trinkets that Emmett thought Rosalie would like. While we were there Rosalie sent me a message telling me to pick up some photos for her. When I retrieved them I was horrified. Each one showed Bella doing something crazy. Bella doing the tango with Jasper, Bella sitting in a tree, Bella laughing like a. . .well it wasn't one of her best moments. I growled quietly and stormed back to Emmett.

"We're leaving," I whispered only loud enough for him to hear. _"Now._"

We left the mall and spent the rest of the night driving throughout Washington. I hadn't heard anything from Bella or the rest of the family but I took that as a good sign. Later that day, when I had taken over driving, we received several more photos from Rosalie. This time she sent them to my phone. Each time Emmett looked at the message and I saw the image through his thoughts. It looked like Bella was enjoying herself. And some of the outfits looked very good on her. I especially enjoyed the blue sweater and jeans combo that Alice had picked. Emmett occasionally made comments but for once he wasn't being inappropriate so I left him alone.

I should have known, however, that the peace would not last long. My phone buzzed again. "Emmett, pick it up would you? It's just Rose."

"Sure thing!" Emmett said, flipping open my phone and glancing at the picture I had just received. He let out a low whistle. "Man oh man, Edward, your girlfriend is one-"

"Emmett, don't you dare finish that sentence. Why are you picturing Bella that way?" I had slammed on the brakes the moment I saw that image in Emmett's head and was now trying furiously to regain control of the Jeep.

"Hey, bro, don't look at me. You told me to open the phone this is the picture that Rosalie sent us! Honest. Look. See?" He held out the phone.

I grabbed the phone and stared at the screen for a moment. I made sure the picture had been saved before I closed the message and dialed Rosalie's number.

Finally she picked up, I could hear hysterical laughter. "Rosalie? Rosalie. Rosalie! Bella? Bella, love? Rosalie give the phone to Bella if you won't talk to me! Rosalie! Bella! What on earth do you think you're doing? What's the big idea? Rose I swear when I get home I'm going to rip you apart and burn the pieces! Do you hear me? You are so-"

"Edward? Oh, Edward is that really you?" She yelled into the phone. Immediately my heart melted, I missed her so much; even hearing her voice lightened my mood considerably.

"Bella? Oh Bella, love. Where are you? Have my sisters hurt you? What's-" I stopped and growled at Emmett again. "Emmett stop thinking about that!" The car swerved a second time as I lunged for Emmett again. The only thing that stopped us from crashing was Bella's voice calling from the phone on the floor.

"Edward, tell me what's going on," she pleaded.

I picked up the phone and sighed. "Bella, did my sisters, by any chance, take you out shopping?"

"Yes, and Rosalie has been taking pictures all day," she said, sounding rather annoyed.

I paused, "Did they make you try on something," I considered how to phrase this. "Inappropriate?" I jerked the phone away from my ear as static came over the line.

I heard my angel screaming "How could you do this to me? I asked you not to send it to Edward so you send it to Emmett instead? That's a thousand times worse! Emmett will tease me about that for the rest of my life and I don't know how I can ever face Edward again. I can't trust you, either of you!"

"Bella?" I yelled. "Bella, love, what's happened? Bella? Bella! Answer me, Bella!"

Alice's voice came over the line, she sounded far away and dazed. "Edward? I think she'll have to get back to you."

"What? Wait, Alice, wait!" But she hung up before I could get any answers. I cursed. "Emmett, Bella is hurt." I said. I spun the wheel around, heading for home but unfortunately I was so disoriented that the Jeep smashed into a tree.

Before we even hit the tree Emmett and I had bailed out. The second that my feet hit the ground I was running towards home.

Emmett raced after me. "Hey Edward, get back here! Where are you going?"

"Home. If Bella's hurt and I'm not there I'll never forgive myself. I'll fix your car later."

"But Carlisle didn't want us to-"

"I don't care," I said interrupting him. I zoomed ahead of him and raced for home as fast as my legs would carry me.

When I finally entered the sprawling field that surrounded our house I could see Alice's yellow Porsche sitting in its usual spot. I didn't stop until I stood in the doorway to our house.

"Bella," I yelled. It was strangely quiet and that's when I noticed it. It was just a drop or two at first but then there were a small pool of it and then more drops leading up the stairs. Horrified I followed it, barely breathing and terrified for what had happened to my darling.

I rushed up the stairs, following the trail into my room. Bella was nowhere in sight but Alice and Rosalie were waiting on my couch. Bella's jeans were crumpled on the floor, a large red stain was evident. I also noticed several bloodied socks and on of Bella's sneakers had been kicked off, leaving a stain on the rug.

"It's about time you got here," Alice mumbled without looking up.

"Edward, we swear it wasn't our fault," Rosalie said.


	5. Hurts and Hysteria

**Ok well I was true to my word and there is a chapter up this week. . .its up to you to decide if it's a good chapter or not. Once again I ended up writing this. I didn't want to disappoint anyone by posting something late so we get this. Um, it's a bit. . crazy. Be warned. Please don't flame, this isn't written for skill so if you don't like this chapter I'd rather not hear about it. I know they are acting OoC but again, I don't care. Please enjoy, we hope you laugh.**

Title: Hurts and Hysteria

Week During – Part 1

Edward was barely breathing; the scent of Bella's blood was assaulting him. He glared at Alice, who refused to meet his eyes, and at Rosalie, who looked nervous.

"Look, Edward," Rosalie was explaining, "it wasn't supposed to turn out like this. We were just taking her out shopping."

"And making her try on lingerie!" He yelled, a little too loudly.

"Emmett don't you dare," Alice said, without raising her voice or her head. Emmett grumbled outside the door and stomped off again.

"Well when you called she was upset and she started to run off and then she tripped. You know how Bella is." Rosalie laughed nervously. She was quickly silenced by a death glare from Edward. "So we rushed her home and then things started getting bad. That's when we first noticed the blood."

"So she could have been bleeding for hours?!" All heads, except for Alice, turned to Jasper, who had suddenly rushed into the room. He began grumbling angrily and paced in a tight circle around my room.

"Jasper what are you doing here?" Edward asked him.

"Pacing!" He exclaimed.

Alice opened her arms and said quietly, "Come here, Jasper. Its ok, Bella's going to be alright. Carlisle told me so." Jasper sat down between Alice's legs and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, resting her chin on the top of his head. Instantly everyone in the room relaxed.

Rosalie continued her explanation. "We got her home as fast as we could, she was still out when I carried her upstairs but then there was kind of a puddle on the floor and she woke up groaning. So we threw her into your bathroom and ran off to find Carlisle."

"So you just threw her in and left her there?!" Edward yelled. "How could you do that to Bella? What if she had been seriously hurt?" Edward was starting to get aggravated and he was clenching and unclenching his fists, something he always did when he was trying not to get mad.

Rosalie began inching towards the door. "Actually, Carlisle is probably home by now, so why don't we go ask him about Bella."

"He's not home and you know it," Edward growled.

"Right, so let's call him. Okay, Edward?" Rosalie had her back against the door and her hand on the knob.

Edward lunged and Rosalie ducked, swinging the door open as well. Edward lunged for Rosalie again but this time Alice intercepted him. "Look, Edward, calm down. Bella's going to be fine, I already said that!" She turned to Jasper, "A little help here? Oh no," her face fell and she quickly jumped off Edward, grabbing Rosalie's hand. "Run!" She yelled.

"I shall protect his fair maiden and join him in the battle to save Bella!" Jasper bellowed, standing up and striking a battle worthy pose next to Edward. "Pose as a team, Edward, because stuff just got real."

Edward stared at Jasper for a moment but decided to humor him and took a battle worthy stance before the two split off and chased after the girls. Since Jasper knew the repercussions would increase if he tried to attack his wife he decided to go after Rosalie. Flailing his arms angrily and cursing. Rosalie wasn't actually scared but in addition to throwing off waves of rage Jasper managed to send some panic her way. The result was incredibly entertaining and the duo was soon chased by Emmett who was holding a camcorder in his hands. Rosalie would run through the house, cursing quietly, then finally she wouldn't be able to contain her rage any longer and would spin around to confront Jasper, but at that exact moment he would hit her with so much panic that she would scream in terror and take off running.

Meanwhile Alice and Edward were having a mental showdown. Edward couldn't attack because Alice would see his attack coming. But Alice couldn't attack either because the moment she thought of what she was going to do, Edward saw it. So they just stood there, eyes locked, not saying anything, not moving. Emmett raced by, following Rosalie and Jasper, and stopped to point the camera at them.

"And here's Alice and Edward. They appear to be having a mental battle. Or maybe a staring contest. Hey Edward, you know what I'm thinking? Ha," Emmett roared with laughter. "You blinked Edward, Alice remains the champion!" Rosalie's next ear-splitting scream distracted Emmett and he ran off with a "Got to go guys, bye!"

Alice saw her chance and lunged at Edward, tackling him to the ground even with her tiny size. She pinned him to the ground and yelled, "Emmett get me some rope!"

Underneath her Edward yelled, "You can't stop me! Jasper, he-"

"And a gag," Alice added. Her eyes unfocused for a moment and then she growled. "Not _that_ gag Emmett. Never mind I'll find one myself." He appeared a moment later with a length of rope in his hands. "Great, grab a chair from the dining room would you?" He reappeared a second later with the chair in his hand as well. Alice wasted no time tying Edward to the chair in such a way that he couldn't break the ropes. Then she stole a few of his socks and stuffed it in his mouth. "Hide him somewhere for me." Alice said before running out of the room to find Jasper and Rosalie.

As soon as Alice had stepped outside of Edward's room she saw Rosalie run by. "Alice, help me! Your husband keeps freaking me out!" Alice simply nodded and stepped back inside Edward's room. She reappeared in the hallway and raised her newly acquired weapon over her head, bringing it down hard over Jasper's head. He groaned and sank to the floor as Alice replaced Edward's couch. "It's alright Rose, he's out cold. Help me drag him downstairs would you?"

"Sure, Alice." Rosalie picked up Jasper's ankles and Alice grabbed him under the arms and together they carried him downstairs. They had just gotten to the landing when the door opened and Carlisle and Esme walked in, each carrying a brown paper bag filled with supplies for Bella. They froze in the doorway, Carlisle taking in the limp body of Jasper and Esme taking in the blood on her carpet.

"My carpet!" She yelled. "Girls what's happened here?"

"I'd like to know the same thing, what on earth has happened to Jasper?" Carlisle demanded.

Esme handed her bag to Carlisle. "Carlisle, dear, we can worry about that later. You take these things up to Bella, you know better than I do what they're for and you know which medicines she'll need. I'm going to clean these stains before they set. And before the smell becomes too much for us!"

Esme quickly hurried off towards the closet with all her cleaning supplies.

"Girls, get Jasper outside. It may not be pure blood but there's enough there that it could be dangerous for Jasper. Stay out there yourselves until we've-" Esme's scream interrupted Carlisle. Instantly they were at her side. "What's wrong?"

"Edward's in the closet."

Emmett appeared beside them, "Now, Esme, I know Edward displays questionable behavior sometimes but what are you basing this on?"

Esme glared at Emmett, "No he's literally inside the closet." She opened the door and Edward jerked against his restraints once again. Carlisle glared at his children.

"Go outside and stay there, _all of you._" The grumbled but obeyed. Esme untied Edward and got out a bucket and bottle of bleach. Carlisle put his hand on Edward's shoulder and led him upstairs. "Edward you need to trust me that Bella is going to be all right. She's just going through a womanly cycle. All human females experience this; it's nothing to worry about. I won't give you all the details. She tell you if she decides to. Now I want you to wait outside while I give her these things." Carlisle disappeared inside Edward's room and left the bag of supplies outside the bathroom door. Carlisle put his hand on his son's shoulder once more and said, "Just try to relax, okay? Bella will feel better if she doesn't have to worry about you worrying about her. Try practicing those deep breathing exercises I taught you."

Edward nodded and rubbed his eyes, breathing deeply. And then catching the scent of Bella's blood, and quickly stopped breathing. He was about to walk away when an angel beckoned him.

--

"Edward," I called, "Edward are you home? I heard Emmett's voice and I hoped that maybe," I opened the door and he immediately swept me into his arms. "Edward!"

"Bella, love," he said, "I'm so sorry for everything my sisters have done." He kissed me deeply and then held me closely, resting his face on the crown of my head. "It's so nice to hold you in my arms, I thought you were dead."

"Dead?" I asked, pulling away to look him in his topaz eyes. "Are you serious?" One look at his face and I knew that he was. "Dead." I repeated. "That's preposterous," I laughed.

"You said it Miss Bella." A familiar voice said from outside Edward's window.

"Master Jazzie!" I yelled in my annoying voice.

Edward just stared. "Do I want to know?"

"Well you see, Master Edward," Jasper said in his butler's voice.

Edward put up his hand. "Never mind, I don't want to know."

Jasper smiled, he was hanging upside down again from the same branch as before.

I laughed, "Don't worry Edward. We haven't gone insane, but I accidentally got drunk, you already know about that right?" He nodded so I continued, "well I got sent up here and was actually not getting into trouble when Jasper appeared outside the window. And Jasper had been getting drunk off of my emotions so he was acting a little strange as well. And he told me that he was having a tea party and the rest is history." I laughed again at the memory. "Remember when Alice came in?" I asked Jasper, who instantly started laughing at the memory. Edward simply sighed beside us.

Suddenly I started laughing harder, the air leaking from my lungs and tears starting to form at the corners of my eyes. Edward even started to chuckle though at first he tried to cover it with a cough and then tried to hold his laughter in by pressing his long pale fingers to his perfect lips. I fell to my knees I was laughing so hard and Edward took up a spot leaning against the wall. My eyes were slowly squeezing shut but I saw the blurry form of Jasper leap into the room and then felt the rush of wind as he blew past us into the rest of the house, off to spread his good mood I was sure.

The first person he encountered was Alice who tried to run away from him but only got as far as the top of the stairs before she was hit with a crippling wall of hilarity. She grabbed her sides and toppled over, falling down the stairs. Jasper hopped over the banister and landed in the foyer of the house, still laughing, and ran into the dining room where Emmett was re-watching the video footage he had gotten of Rosalie. As soon as Jasper entered the room Emmett started to roar with laughter. He tried to run away but ended up crashing onto the table, nearly breaking it. Jasper took the video camera and Rosalie's silver digital camera off the table and snapped a picture before he ran into the next room, getting a shot of Alice before he left.

He found Esme in the living room, furiously spraying air freshener. She turned when she heard him enter and was quickly consumed with laughter. Her light, melodic laughter filled the air until it was punctured by a hiccup. Esme gasped and put her hand over her mouth as her laughter continued. Eventually she buried her head into the cushions of the couch, trying to stifle her laughter. One hand gripped a pillow and the other still held the bottle of air freshener. The couch was going to smell like mountain flowers for months.

After snapping a quick photo he ran back upstairs where he encountered Rosalie. One look at his delighted face was all it took to send her running. But even with her vampire speed she couldn't escape Jasper's hilarity. She was nearly doubled over with laughter when she reached the large storybook window at the end of the hall. Attempting to build up her speed despite her laughter she launched herself at the window. It shattered easily against the solid force of her body and Rosalie was sent tumbling to the ground two stories below. She rolled on impact and sprang up; relieved that Jasper's power could not reach her outside the house.

Unfazed, Jasper ran into the office of Carlisle. As soon as the waves of laughter hit Carlisle Jasper turned on the video camera. Carlisle was generally a serious person but on the rare occasions when he lets loose and has a good laugh, it's something that no one would ever want to miss. Carlisle has a very distinct laugh, those who have heard it often described it as one similar to the stereotypical hillbilly. Far from the graceful and elegant appearance of Carlisle, his laugh was something that would never have been tolerated in the English culture he was raised in.

Jasper held the camera up to his eye and made sure he caught as much of Carlisle's little production as possible. Carlisle's "yuk-yuk" laugh filled the air as he danced around in a little circle slapping his knee to some unknown beat. This continued for nearly a minute before a baseball bat collided with the side of Jasper's head, courtesy of Rosalie. The camera hit the ground and Jasper stopped sending out waves of laughter. Carlisle straightened and smoothed the wrinkles of his shirt. He cleared his throat.

"Thank you, Rosalie." He said.

"No problem, Carlisle. Now what should we do with Jasper?"

Carlisle sighed. "For now just lock him in his room and make sure he can't get out. I'm going to call the family together for another family meeting."

Carlisle poked his head into Edward's room. "Family meeting you two." He said. I saw the look of surprise on his face but thankfully he said nothing. Edward had left a nice fist-sized hole in his wall and I was trying to wipe away the tears from my face and regain my breath. Unfortunately I was having a hard time with this. Soon enough the room started to spin and my vision was fading. It was as though someone was throwing a black cloth over my eyes. I was sitting upright for the moment with my legs crossed and I could hear Edward's voice floating towards me. I heard him call my name and saw him reach his hand out to help me up, though he appeared to be moving in slow motion. Then suddenly I was looking at the ceiling and everything had gone black and quiet.


	6. Hotties vs Studs

**Hi! Sorry this took so long, but trust us, we've got a nice little chapter here for you! In fact its 7 pages long in Word. Okay this time I actually got my co-writer to help so it's much better than the others. And we've got some crazy stuff in store for the next chapter which is already in progress. And of course we've got a few silly ideas up our sleeves. I still don't want to get reviews about people acting OOC though. We're writing this for ourselves and for the fun of writing it! In that spirit, please enjoy chapter 6!**

Title: Hotties vs. Studs

The Week During – Part 2

When I came around again the first thing I saw was my angel's face. I reached up with a heavy hand and placed it on his cool cheek. "Are you real?" I asked him.

He smiled my favorite crooked smile, "Oh course, Bella love."

I shook my head. "No, you're too perfect to be real. It's all a dream."

"But then how was I holding you in my arms while you slept?"

"Dream within a dream."

He laughed and brought his lips down to mine briefly. "Are you feeling better now? You had me worried; well I was worried once I stopped laughing."

All at once the memories came flooding back to me. I remembered my fit of hysterical laughter and brief images of Jasper flitted through my head. "I'm fine, Edward, but I'm pretty worried about Jasper. What happened to him anyway?"

"You'll see in a little bit, Carlisle wanted to have a family meeting as soon as you were awake."

"Alright," I said, "Let's go then."

I started to stand up but Edward put his hands on my waist and pulled me down into his lap. "What's the rush? We still have a little while," he started to kiss my neck. "And you did have me worried when you passed out. I think we need a little time together before we head downstairs."

I felt a blush rushing to my cheeks and my heart rate jumped erratically but I wasn't protesting. "Oh . . . Alice?!" I yelled as the black-haired pixie appeared in the doorway. "Go away, Alice." I grumbled at her.

"Sorry, Bella but some things are more important than Edward!" She snatched me out of his arms and had me sitting at the Cullen's dining room table before I knew what had happened. Edward appeared besides me seconds later.

"You guys really have to stop transporting the human at vampire speeds. Otherwise the human is going to get car sick. Err, vampire sick . . . I think."

Edward took my hand and kissed my cheek. "Yes, Carlisle we're ready." He said, answering Carlisle's unspoken question. Instantly the rest of the Cullen's filed in, expect Jasper. Esme glided in, her full blue skirt swaying around her, Rosalie followed her, smoothing out the wrinkles in her pink halter and touching up her make-up before sitting down across from Alice. Emmett appeared a few seconds later buttoning up his shirt and running a hand through his hair, after giving Rosalie another quick kiss he sat down next to Esme. Carlisle sat down at the head of the table.

"Alright," he said, calling the meeting to order, "I think it's time we explained what's been going on around here. It is because of Bella but it is not her fault. It's been a long time since any of us have been human so I'm sure you," he looked at Esme, Rosalie and then Alice, "Don't remember what it was like being human women. So I would like to explain this and clear up any confusion. You see,"

I interrupted, "Actually Carlisle…is it okay if I tell them?"

"Let her do it. She'll blush less that way," Alice said. Carlisle smiled and motioned for me to begin whenever I was ready.

I glanced at Edward and squeezed his hand before I began. "Well, you see, every twenty-eight days a woman will . . ." and I went on to explain everything I knew about what happens when women get their periods. I kept my eyes focused on Edward's hand in my lap while I spoke. When I finally stopped and looked up I was met with five stunned vampire faces. Apparently they were skipping health class.

Emmett cursed loudly. "Watch your language, young man." Esme said blankly. She sprayed him with the bottle of air freshener she was still holding in her hands. While Emmett coughed and sputtered she said, "Is all of that really true, Bella?"

"Yeah, Esme it is. And this continues for most of your life, until you reach a certain age when it stops."

"Even the emotional part of it before your period actually starts? What was it called?"

"PMS. Yeah, that doesn't go away for a while."

"So you see," Carlisle said, "This explains all the strange things that have been going on around here."

"Well not everything," I said. Now my stare was met with six confused vampire faces. "Why has happened to Jasper? I've never seen him this…" I paused, choosing my word carefully. "Emotional before."

"Ah, I can explain that," Carlisle said. Doctor to the rescue, again. "You see your emotions were not like normal emotions. Yours were fueled by extra hormones and alcohol," he glared at Emmett, who laughed quietly. Edward kicked him in the shins. I knew it was Edward because of the little smirk that appeared on his face when Emmett flinched. "And because you were spending so much time with him, he caught your emotions and they were so strong that he couldn't resist them." Now it was my turn to stare blankly.

"My emotions were that strong?" Carlisle smiled and nodded. "Wow," I murmured.

Edward patted my hand. "I'm so glad your okay, love. I was afraid I was going to have to kill some of my _beloved_" he glared at Emmett and Alice, who only offered sheepish grins, "brothers and sisters."

"Now, Edward, there's no need for you to act so violent. Everything turned out okay, right?" Carlisle interrupted, trying to play the referee.

"Wait." Rosalie interrupted. "When you get your period, you _bleed_, right, Bella?" When I nodded, Rosalie continued "So won't that put you in more danger since Edward is very sensitive to your blood?"

At this, the entire table fell silent. Nobody had really thought about that factor before. I brooded, worried that I couldn't come back until my period was finished. _Oh, no! What if Edward-_

Suddenly, Jasper burst into the room, wearing all pink: a tutu, a leotard, a tiara with plastic gems, and a plastic wand. He danced around saying, "Fear not, my dear! I am here to make all your wishes come true for I am your Fairy Godmother!" All the while, he was pirouetting around the room, gracefully twirling around the furniture and laughing hysterically.

I cowered behind Edward, suddenly fearing for my life.

"Jasper! How did you get back into the house?" Alice screamed, knocking over her chair.

Jasper leaped over it gracefully, "No prison can hold a Fairy Godmother, Alice dear!" Jasper danced around but somehow managed to trip over something, perhaps my lack of balance was too strong for Jasper to resist, and he crashed into Rosalie, causing her to smear lipstick all over her face.

"Jasper, you moron," she yelled. "You ruined my makeup!" She started to tackle Jasper but Alice was quicker.

"Hey, it's not his fault! Don't you dare attack him because we both know that I can take you down in a second!"

Rosalie sank into a crouch. "Bring it."

The two vampires lunged for each other and collided with a thunderous boom over the table. They crashed onto the table and started rolling around, pulling each other's hair and slapping each other. Soon little bits of clothing were flying through the air and in a single moment Emmett had jumped up and screamed "Cat Fight!"

Rosalie and Alice stopped fighting long enough to yell in unison "Shut up, Emmett!" Then Rosalie, who was pinned under Alice, bit her wrist. Alice yelped and went back to fighting Rosalie.

"Just ignore them, Bella love," Edward was saying. "It's hard at first but it gets easier. Trust me, I've been living with them for centuries."

I raised my eyebrows, "I don't think it will be easy to ignore that." I said, indicating the vampire cat fight on the dining room table and the male Fairy Godmother who insisted on practicing ballet.

Jasper danced over to me, "Make a wish, Bella! As your Fairy Godmother I can grant you any wish you want!"

"I wish you'd go away!" I screamed.

"My wish is your command," he said cheerfully and in a large explosion of glitter, that made me wonder just how much free time vampires had, Jasper had disappeared across the room and was now twirling around the fighting girls. "Ladies, please, we must not fight. Fighting is a horrible, horrible-"

In a single blind swipe Rosalie managed to shred the front of Jasper's leotard, knock the tiara from his head and the wand from his hand and completely obliterated his tutu. Everything went still. The only sound was the sound of Alice and Rosalie's fight. And a faint creaking noise.

"My . . . my tutu . . ." Jasper whimpered. He sniffed a few times and then erupted into dry tears and sobs that raked his entire body.

Emmett knelt beside him and held up a small silver rectangle. "Cheer up, buddy. We can get you a new tutu. Besides, I'm getting your wife's cat fight on camera! Now that's something to celebrate. Our wives are going at it and we'll be able to watch this for all eternity."

"What?!" They shouted in unison, slapping the table with their fists and spinning towards Emmett. The creaking noise got louder and finally the table snapped, the girls screamed and fell into each other, Rosalie landing on top of Alice this time and the table cracked into thousands of splinters.

Luckily for once I wasn't hurt because I used Edward as a shield.

"My table!" Esme screamed, "That was an antique from my human life!"

"It's all destroyed," Jasper wailed. "Your table, my tutu, everything; the world is coming to an end, Esme!"

Emmett slapped Jasper, "Pull yourself together, man!"

"Don't slap my husband!"

"Don't stop fighting!"

"Shut up, Emmett," the entire house yelled in unison.

I sank down into a chair. "Edward why is it that every time I come to your house something crazy happens?"

"I don't know Bella." He sighed leaned against the back of my chair, resting his chin on my head.

"I know," Emmett piped up, " it's because,"

"No one, wants to hear your explanation, Emmett," Rosalie growled.

Suddenly my stomach knotted and I groaned. Instantly Edward was kneeling in front of me and trying to look into my eyes. "What's wrong, are you okay?"

I peeled my eyes open, "Don't worry, Edward, I'm fine. Just a cramp."

His frown stayed put and so did the worry lines creasing his forehead. "Are you sure you're okay? Do you need anything?"

"Well, I could use a little Advil. It's upstairs in the bag that Carlisle brought for me."

"I'll get it," Jasper said, jumping up from the floor, apparently in a good mood again. Before we could say anything he had disappeared up the stairs.

While we waited for Jasper we worked on cleaning up the dining room. Rosalie and Alice started to re-attach the two halves of the table while Edward and Emmett righted the chairs and put them back where they belonged. Carlisle worked on calming Esme and trying to pry the bottle of air freshener from her hands. I picked up the splinters from the floor, I felt bad not doing anything and wanted to be helpful. After a few minutes I began to wonder where Jasper was. Even at my clumsy human pace I could have been back by now.

"Hey does anyone know where – OW!" I hadn't been paying attention and a large splinter got suck in my finger. I looked down at it and was horrified by the sharp, jagged tip. _Oh no, what if it started bleeding?_ Just the thought of blood was enough to get me woozy.

"Edward, catch her!" Alice yelled.

As always Edward came to the rescue and caught me before I toppled over and hurt myself. "Is . . . it . . . bleeding," I managed to choke out, holding my finger up for inspection.

"No, Bella." Edward said, no doubt humoring me. "Carlisle could you,"

"Already here." He replied. I felt a sharp prick of pain as the splinter was pulled out and then the familiar feeling of a band-aid being wrapped around my finger.

"I knew that would happen." We all looked to see Jasper standing in the doorway. At least, we were pretty sure it was Jasper. He had tried to wrap a turban on his head but it looked more like one of Alice's purple towels. He had on a long skirt, a blouse with puffy sleeves and a shawl draped over his arms. In his hands he held two crystal bowls pressed together. "I can see all."

"No you can't. If anyone in this family could see everything it would be me," Alice objected.

That seemed to stump Jasper because for a moment he just blinked at us. "I knew you'd say that, too." He said before walking out again. We all exchanged looks.

"Should we . . . follow him?" I asked.

"Yes," Jasper called from the other room. "And for the record, I knew you'd say that."

We exchanged looks and made our way into the living room, stepping around the wreckage as we went. As soon as we stepped into the living room I slapped my forehead with my palm. I heard Esme gasp and someone was chuckling. Jasper had decorated the entire room as if he were a fortune teller at a carnival. He was sitting at a little table with his "crystal ball" in front of him.

"I can see the future," He said, drawing out his words.

Alice rolled her eyes but said nothing.

"In fact," Jasper said, "I can tell you that Rosalie," he pointed dramatically, "will slap Emmett!"

"Gladly." There was a boom as Rosalie slapped Emmett upside the head.

"And Bella," more pointing, "Will trip!"

I groaned. "Jasper your 'predictions' aren't all that amazing. Rosalie loves slapping Emmett and I trip over _everything_." I turned to go again and promptly tripped over the couch that seemed to suddenly appear in my path. I crashed into the cushions, thankful for a soft landing for once, and a foggy cloud of air freshener burst out, filling the room with the strong scent of mountain breezes. I coughed and gagged as I pushed myself out of the couch, triggering more air freshener bombs. "Esme, I think you're overdoing the whole air freshener thing!"

"And finally," Jasper yelled before anyone could interrupt, "Alice will give me a kiss." He smiled in Alice's direction.

"No. Way. I'm not kissing you while you're wearing that ridiculous getup!" She turned her back and crossed her arms over her chest.

"You go, girl!" Rosalie and I chorused. And then _it_ happened. Jasper started sending out waves of lust. I saw a familiar spark creep into Rosalie's eyes and I yelled, "Go, girl, go straight to him! Go, now!" And then Edward caught my eye and I rushed into his arms and stretched onto my tiptoes to reach his lips. He met me halfway and gave me one of his classic kisses that left me dizzy and happy.

Edward pulled away first whispered, "You're really testing my willpower." He turned me around and held me close to his body. I blushed as I saw that Alice had straddled Jasper and was kissing him while sitting in his lap, and I didn't dare look in Emmett and Rosalie's direction. The plus side, however, was that he had stopped sending us waves of lust.

Esme cleared her throat. "Well I think it's time we all do something as a family. We're long overdue for a little bonding. What do you say?"

Once everyone had settled down they agreed that this sounded like fun. Now the only problem I was deciding what to do. There wasn't a thunder storm coming, so baseball was out, they had already played every board game known to man a thousand times and no one liked my idea of charades.

"Fine," I grumbled, "what about football?" When my suggestion wasn't immediately met with a groan and a chorus of "NO"s I looked up. Everyone seemed to be considering the idea.

"I think I saw a football somewhere in the garage," Emmett said.

"And I could easily get us football jerseys at the mall and be back within the hour," Alice said.

"I could use a break from work," Carlisle added.

"Then it's settled," Esme said. "We'll have a 'friendly' game of football." She glanced at me, "Human style. Might I suggest, boys versus girls?"

I grinned, "Well let's not stop there. Losers have to . . ."

"Losers have to str-"

"Emmett don't you dare finish that sentence!" Rosalie threatened.

"How about this?" Jasper piped up, "Losers must do anything that their wife, or girlfriend,"

"Or husband or boyfriend," Alice interrupted.

"Right," Jasper said, his voice dripping with sarcasm, "Losers must do anything their lover asks."

"I'm in." Alice said.

"If Alice is in, then I'm in," Rosalie said.

"Me, too." Esme said, extending her hand out in front of her. Alice and Rosalie each added a hand.

"You're on," Emmett said, adding his hand to the pile. Jasper and Carlisle added theirs too.

"What do you say, Edward? Are you ready to do _anything_ I ask?"

He smiled my favorite crocked smile. "Of course I am, because I have the perfect idea in store." I stuck my tongue out and we added out hands to the pile.

"Big game on three, big game on three," Emmett boomed. "One, two, THREE!"  
"BIG GAME!" We all shouted and then we ran off, the girls running outside and the guys running up the stairs.

After I managed to get outside without tripping Rosalie scooped me into her arms and practically threw me into the backseat of her car with Esme. Instantly we were zooming through Forks. I barely had time to ask where we were going when we pulled into the mall parking lot.

Rosalie twisted around to face me. "Bella if you're going to play football you're going to need a lot of protective gear.

Alice twisted around as well. "And if _I'm_ going to play football then I'm going to need a cute outfit. Let's go ladies!"

We all hurried out of the car and into the mall. Before we went anywhere we had to decide what our team colors were and what our team name was. As we wandered around the store each of us picked up a different colored jersey and then held a vote. In the end we decided to get pink jerseys for the girls. Since as Alice so _charmingly_ put it "it matches Bella's blush perfectly!" This instantly turned my cheeks pink. Alice held the shirt up to my face, "See what I mean?"

For the boys we chose the topaz colored jerseys because they matched Edward's eyes when he looked at me.

"Now all we need are the nicknames," Alice said.

"Alice do we really-"

"Yes. In fact I've already decided what your name will be Bella. You're 'The Klutz'!" Rosalie and Alice snickered as my cheeks flamed.

"Fine then," I said, "Then Alice you have to be 'The Pixie' and Rosalie you're 'The Stripper'."

"What did you say . . .?" Rosalie growled. I grinned sheepishly and she tried to lunge at me. But before she could turn me into human fodder Alice and Rosalie managed to capture her and restrain her . . . barely. This of course didn't stop me from hyperventilating and nearly having a heart attack.

"Fine," I gasped, "you can be 'The Model' instead!"

This seemed to appease her, she turned away, flipping her hair and smoothing her clothes.

"Well Alice do you want another name, too?"

Alice thought for a moment. "'The Pixie', I kind of like it." She smiled. "I'll take it," she snatched up the pink jerseys and rushed off to the counter.

I glanced at Esme, "What do you think your nickname will be?" She shrugged and grabbed my hand.

"Come on dear, it's best not to leave Alice alone in a mall." I nodded in agreement, and we tore off after Alice.

By the time we reached the counter the employee was handing Alice the boxes with the jerseys inside of them. "Here you go, ma'am. Just as you ordered."

"Thanks," Alice chirped before rushing off to get the boys' jerseys.

Esme and I exchanged looks but figured it would be easier just to wait for her at the register. In a few moments she returned with four topaz jerseys.

"Alright and I want all of these to say 'The Studs' on the front of them and then I want one of them to have 'The Hunk', 'The Peeper', 'The Fixer' and 'The Cross Dresser' on the backs. And just put the numbers one through four on the backs." The guy gave Alice a look like he didn't understand why she wanted such strange names but he seemed to be a firm believer in 'the customer is always right' because he didn't ask any questions.

"'The Studs'?! If that's what you made for the guys I'm almost too afraid what you did for us," I said.

Alice grinned one of her trademark grins. "Don't worry, Bella, it's nothing terrible," she said, an evil light glinting in her eyes.

I gulped and involuntarily shuddered. "Now I'm really afraid."

Alice rolled her eyes and tsked-tsked me. "Fine will this make you relax?" She pulled out one of the white shirt boxes from her bag. Out of that she pulled one of the pink jerseys with 'The Hotties' written in white block letters across the chest. I groaned as she turned it around and revealed 'The Klutz' written across the shoulders. Esme laughed quietly and put a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"And Esme, yours looks just like this one only it has 'The Cleaner' written across the back." Alice said.

Esme considered this for a moment before smiling in satisfaction. As the guy behind the counter handed Alice another set of boxes I realized that Rosalie had disappeared.

"Hey did you see where Rosalie went?" I asked.

Alice's eyes went fuzzy and unfocused for a moment and then she laughed. "Oh she's brilliant! Okay Bella you need to come with me. Esme you should come too. We're going to take a little detour to Cheer Camp."


	7. And the Winners Are

**Hi! We're back and we're so~ happy with this chapter. This is a great chapter if I do say so myself. We've got a couple great surprises here in store for you. But we also have a cliff-hanger ending. We'll try and update again soon but no promises. This week I did have help from my wonderful co-writer, she says 'Hi' by the way. And we hope you enjoy this latest chapter. Oh and we have a delightful surprise in store for the next chapter that we are VERY excited for. So please enjoy and thank you to everyone who has reviewed or put us on fav or alert!**

**All characters are (c) of Stephenie Meyer!!**

Title: And The Winners Are...

Week During – Part 3

When we finally left the mall I felt exhausted. I was surprised that it was only half an hour later, "Cheer Camp" as Alice had called it, had been torture. And I still don't know how she managed to find so much protective gear in the same color as our jerseys. I was hoping that things were going better for Edward but as soon as we pulled into the Cullen's driveway I could see that probably wasn't happening.

Emmett had set up a drill camp in the front yard. He had what looked to be a mile long tire track, three bars installed for pull-ups and "Push-up Central". Emmett was dressed in grey sweats and a baseball cap with a whistle poised between his teeth. Carlisle was wearing a loose t-shirt and pants, Edward had long since abandoned his shirt, which was lying in a crumpled pile at Emmett's feet, instead opting for a tight tank top and shorts. Jasper, however, was wearing a purple sports bra, presumably Alice's, and a matching pair of yoga pants. All three were panting and looked to be struggling to keep up a steady pace. I'm sure that if they could have, their faces would have been bright red and they would have been sweating.

Rosalie stepped up to the challenge of ending Emmett's reign of terror. Putting on her sweetest smile she cleared her throat quietly. Instantly Emmett's head snapped up and he smiled, loosing the whistle from between his teeth.

"Emmett, I have a little surprise for you," She cooed and winked.

Once Emmett regained his ability to speak he yelled, "That's it for now, team. Hit the showers!"

Instantly the guys stopped and looked like they were about to collapse. Esme, Alice and I each strode forward to claim our weary lover. Inside we dumped them on the couch and Rosalie laid a white shirt box in each of their laps. Then we dashed upstairs into Alice's room to try on our own outfits.

"Alright," Alice said. "First we need to go over the routine in the outfits so that everyone is coordinated when we get out there at half time." Alice handed us the blue uniforms and way too many accessories. It took us a few tries but finally we were able to get through the whole routine without a hitch.

"Perfect," Rosalie declared. "Now let's get changed and go play some football!"

"I'll go tell the boys to get ready," Esme said, disappearing out the door.

Alice handed each of us the pink "Hotties" jerseys and a white tank top to wear underneath. And then she handed us each a pair of black short-shorts. I glared at her.

"Just go with it, Bella. I guarantee that Edward will love it," Alice said.

I quickly changed into the shorts.

As soon as the others had changed, which took approximately 2 seconds, Rosalie mounted her camera on her tripod and took a team photo of us before my safety gear was piled on. Then it was time for the helmet, elbow pads, knee pads, chest pad that went under my jersey, knee-high socks, cleats, and gloves. They tried to give me a mouth guard but I refused. And one quick trip to the bathroom later I was completely protected. Rosalie snapped a few more photos and then we headed downstairs to the guys.

They were dressed in pretty much the same manner we were. Topaz jerseys and tight black capris. Rosalie snapped a few photos before Edward caught sight of me. His jaw dropped open and his eyes twinkled with lust.

"Edward- cut it out; I'm covered from head to toe in protective equipment!"

"I know," he replied. "And you look so cute when you're being sensible. What are the chances of you wearing things like that more often?"

"About the same as you turning me into a vampire," I replied.

Edward scowled; then smiled. "Well don't be surprised if you end up wearing more protective gear from now on. After all, losers have to do anything the winners say."

Now it was my turn to scowl. "Alright you two, leave it for the field." Alice said, grabbing my arm and pulling me out the front door while Emmett pulled Edward out the back.

We met up in the backyard where things had been specially prepared. Two football goals and end zones were set up along with team benches and a water cooler for me. I went over to the side marked by a "Hotties" banner and pink towel spread out on the grass while the guys went to the "Studs" section.

We huddled together and began whispering game plans. Unfortunately none of us had much experience with football. We finally broke the huddle after we heard the guys booming "Studs" from across the field. We arranged ourselves on the field so that we mirrored the positions of the guys. Thankfully they started the first play. We observed carefully and tried to pick up on some of their techniques. Even though Alice could see what was going to happen she had no idea how to stop it. At the end of the first play I had managed to slip to in the grass, which was wet, and slide halfway down the field, colliding with Jasper. Esme had tackled Carlisle, who had been attempting to throw the ball to Edward, but then she didn't know what else to do so she just sat on him until the play was over. Alice ended up lying on the ground clutching her head from too many changes of plans and Rosalie had been left to chase Emmett and Edward. This trend continued, someone tackling their husband and me tripping over something or slipping on the grass and sometimes taking someone out with me, until the timer announced that we were halfway through the game.

The guys all high-fives and smiles as they regrouped on their topaz towel and it was time for the girls to get to work again. We rushed inside and quickly changed into our uniforms, each of us sporting our unique style. Rosalie had the attitude and energy of a runway model that was sporting this season's hottest fashion trend in the world of football. Esme was more old time classically cute. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail and her caramel locks fell in elegant waves that just brushed her shoulders. Alice looked like this was the role she was born to play; it was and she knew it. It combined fashion with energetic movements and dancing. I wasn't sure how I looked but Alice informed me that I had an air of child-like innocence that added to my cute look of uncertainty. I wasn't sure I believed her but I tied my shoes and headed outside with the rest of them.

Esme was holding me in her arms so that we could rush past the guys without them seeing our outfits. We settled ourselves in the center of the field and clapped out hands together.

"Ready? Okay!" We shouted in unison. "H-O-T-T-I-E-S! What's that spell? Hotties! And we're gonna heat up your world!" We cheered again and bounced into a diagonal. We threw our arms into the air and waved our pom-poms before performing a group cart-wheel. We cart-wheeled again and returned to our original positions. Then it was time to announce ourselves.

"Esme," she said, cocking her hip to the left and placing her pom-poms on her hips.

"Rosalie," She turned to the left and lifted her leg in front of her body. She extended her left arm into the air and traced the curves of her body with her right.

"Bella," I said, putting my left hand on my hip and blowing a kiss with my right.

"Alice," she said jumping into the air, tucking her legs behind her body and making a "V" with her arms. Then she jumped forward and centered herself in front of Jasper. "Give me a 'J'" She shouted, striking a pose

"'J'" We chorused, making the sign for J and flashing our pom-poms.

"'A'" Alice called, another pose.

"'A'" we repeated. Another letter and another pose until we had spelled out Jasper's name.

"Put it together and what do you get?"

"J-A-S-P-E-R! That spells . . ." We shouted as Alice did a back flip and landed with one foot in my hands and one in Rosalie's, this of course was a carefully practiced movement. Then we flipped her into the air and Esme arrived to help us catch her in our arms as she fell.

"That spells 'Darling'" Alice said, blowing a kiss to Jasper. She hopped out of our arms and switched places with Rosalie who smiled and winked at Emmett.

"Ready? Okay! Give me an 'E'!" And this time we spelled out Emmett's name with Rosalie doing cartwheels as we spelled. When we finished she yelled, "What's that spell?"

"E-M-M-E-T-T!" We roared, "That spells . . ."

Rosalie ripped off her cheerleader's uniform, with the help of a few tear-away seams, and threw the pieces to the side. She grabbed a pair of animal ears from her pom-poms and put those on too before throwing them away with her clothes. Under her uniform she was wearing a pink strapless leotard that had a little fluffy tail attached to the back of it. She hopped forward and spun around, giving Emmett a nice view of her bunny tail. She peeked over her shoulder with the cutest face she had and said, "That spells sexy."

Emmett roared with approval as Rosalie hopped back into place. This time Esme took her place. On the sidelines Carlisle smiled at his wife. "Ready? Okay," Esme didn't speak with the same energetic cheer that her daughters did but you could feel her love for Carlisle and you found yourself smiling and cheering nonetheless. Once she had finished calling the letters she asked, "What's that spell?"

"C-A-R-L-I-S-L-E! That spells . . ."

Esme went into a slow-motion flip. She flipped up onto her hands, doing a handstand, and then slowly split her legs, letting them fall gently to the ground and then riding the momentum into a summersault. When she came up she was kneeling in front of Carlisle. "That spells sweetheart." She kissed him quickly before rejoining the line and urging me to start.

I took a deep breath and ran out, avoiding everyone's eyes. I knew if I looked at Emmett I would lose my nerve, at Carlisle I'd blush, at Jasper . . . well I could only guess what horrible things would happen then. But if I looked at Edward I would melt under his topaz gaze. "Ready? Okay!" I screamed. "Give me an 'E'" I kept my eyes squeezed shut and did a few of the poses that Alice had taught me. Once I reached the second 'D' I did a rolling motion with my pom-poms. "Put it all together and what does it spell?"

I heard the chorus of "E-D-W-A-R-D! That spells . . ."

I knew my cue and took a deep breath. I bounced three times on the balls of my feet and then jumped into the air, doing a small flip. But of course nothing I do is ever perfect. I didn't get enough momentum and came crashing to the ground. Somehow though I ended up in a perfect cheerleader-style split, where one leg is slightly bent. "That spells," I said, slightly breathless. I made the mistake of opening my eyes before I answered. I caught a glimpse of Edward's smile and my thoughts melted from my head. I panicked and searched desperately for a name to describe Edward. My eyes latched onto the large block letters on his jersey. "That spells stud."

I quickly rejoined the line and avoided everyone's eyes. I couldn't wait to get back into the football uniform and get back to losing. "But we're not done yet!" Alice called. "Get ready, get set, hut-hut HIKE!" Alice, Esme and Rosalie yelled.

Someone produced a football and yelled "Catch Bella!" And for once, I did. I didn't know what had happened but the next thing I knew I was cradling the football in my arms. I heard someone yell "Run Bella!" And saw Alice waving her arms at me from one of the end zones. I took off running and prayed that no one tackled me. In fact I was nearly at the end zone before I heard the tell-tale "Stop her!" I ran as fast as I could and tried not to look back at what was surely a wall of vampires racing towards me. At one point I couldn't stand not knowing what was happening and I glanced back.

Big mistake. I caught sight of Emmett barreling towards me at an alarming speed. I yelped and tried to run faster. Then I heard a thunderous boom and saw that Alice had collided with Emmett. _The pixie beats the bear_, I thought. But I didn't have time to stop and marvel at the hilarity of the situation. I kept on running and didn't stop until I was sure I was safely inside the end zone.

I was sure that this little touchdown would not lead into a streak. But the girls had other ideas. Whenever the guys were in danger of taking over the lead, one of the girls would do something to distract their husbands. And if all else failed they would pass it to me. Assuming I could catch the ball it was a guaranteed point. No one would dare tackle me for fear of hurting me. When the final buzzer rang we had emerged victorious! The Hotties had won 35 – 21. While we were busy celebrating the guys were busy grumbling and trying to sneak off.

Rosalie planted herself in front of them. "Not so fast you guys. We won and that means you guys have to do anything we say."

There was a collective groan from the guys that quickly ended with a sharp glare from Rosalie. "And I believe," she glanced over their shoulders at the rest of us, "that we all know what we're going to ask you to do. Right?"

Alice and Esme nodded. But I said, "Just a second, I haven't quite decided yet." I thought it over for another minute and then I had a brilliant idea. Alice saw it in my head and laughed hysterically but quickly blocked it from Edward, who growled.

"Alright," Rosalie declared. "I'll start. Emmett, sexy boy, you have to rub my feet." Emmett groaned. He loved every part of Rosalie but he hated feet. It was the one thing he couldn't stand. Instantly he was down on his knees begging for something, _anything_ else, but Rosalie wouldn't budge.

"Alight, I'm next." Esme stepped up and looked Carlisle square in the eye. "Sweetheart, you will be cleaning the house from top to bottom. _Today._" She smiled evilly while Carlisle tried to reason with her.

"My turn!" Alice was bouncing with excitement. "Jasper, darling, you are going to be locked inside of our room and you are not allowed to leave or say _anything_ for a full 24-hours." Jasper didn't try to reason. Instead he just collapsed. "Well," Alice said, "That's a pretty good start."

Edward looked at me and smiled nervously. I smiled back, enjoying this supreme power over him. "Are you ready to hear what I have planned for you, Mr. Stud?"

He gulped and smiled wider, his grin becoming more and more strained to the point where it was simply comical. "Well I'd love to tell you what I have planned Edward," Alice was still snickering even as she dragged Jasper inside. "But I'm so tired after kicking your butt at football that I think I need a nap." And with that I marched upstairs to Edward's room laughing hysterically. The sounds of the other girls' laughter trailed after me. The last thing I heard before I shut the door was Edward cursing followed by a very loud bang.

**EPOV**

As soon as the girls left Emmett launched into full coach-mode. I figured he would be going over game plays with us, maybe "force" us to play an hour or two's worth of football video games, but I never expected he'd put us through a drill camp. He may have been the largest member of the family but he could move fast when he wanted to. In the blink of a human eye he had set up a mile long tire track and assembled three bars for pull-ups in the yard, labeled a "push-up zone" and managed to find a grey sweat suit and whistle.

"Let's go, _ladies!_" He yelled, "Get changed and meet me in the yard, ASAP!" We hurried off to our respective rooms and regrouped, reluctantly, in the front yard. I had thrown a t-shirt on over a black tank top and slipped into a pair of gym shorts I kept for school. Carlisle had likewise changed into a t-shirt and loose pants. Jasper, however, had borrowed sports bra and a pair matching pants that Alice had used for the one week she tried yoga. Neither of us paid him any attention.

"Alright, _ladies_, you're going to run through that tire track, then do 100 pull-ups and then do 100 push-ups," he said, gesturing to each section of the yard. "And while you do this we will be going over football plays. Go!" And for the next hour this continued. After being called "lady" for the 50th time in 20 minutes I threw my t-shirt at Emmett. Needless to say it did nothing- but it felt good to throw something at his head. This went on for at least an hour before the girls finally came back home.

We heard the car drive up and almost instantly Rosalie managed to snag Emmett's attention. "Emmett, I have a little surprise for you," she said.

Instantly Emmett's jaw dropped and I groaned, getting a nice mental picture of what he thought the surprise was. "That's it for now, team! Hit the showers!" We finally stopped running and I made a mental note to thank Rosalie later. Bella came forward and wrapped my arm around her shoulders. She stretched up on her tip-toes and kissed my cheek before helping me inside and depositing me on the couch next to Carlisle and Jasper. Emmett joined us a minute later, still thinking he was going to get a special surprise. He was confused when Alice simply laid a white shirt box in his lap but he was still hopeful. This made the following realization even more of a let-down for him. It was perfect revenge to watch his face fall as he tore off the lid of the shirt box and found only a jersey. Carlisle, Jasper and I each took the lids off of our boxes and I had to laugh at the large block letters that stared back at me.

"Well I think it's obvious who designed these shirts," I said.

"Well I couldn't have done a better job myself," Emmett said, holding his jersey. "I like it. 'Studs'. It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" Emmett laid his jersey on the couch and quickly slipped out of his sweatshirt. He pulled the jersey over his shoulders and tugged it down. "A perfect fit," he declared. "Right, guys?" He turned around, showing us the back view.

Instantly the three of us starting laughing. "What, what, what?!" Emmett screamed, he tried to peak over his shoulder but ended up running in circles. "What? Does it say something? Tell me!" We couldn't stop laughing so finally Emmett tore the shirt off his back, nearly ripping it to shreds. He turned it over and stared at it for a moment before a smile twitched at his lips. "'The Hunk'. Niiiiiiice," he said. "What do yours' say?"

Carlisle turned his over first. "'The Fixer'," he said. He considered this name for a moment before saying, "Rather fitting. I like it." He smiled. "Your turn Jasper."

"Oh I'm so excited," he chirped. We rolled our eyes. He turned his jersey over and his brow furrowed. "'The Cross Dresser'? I'm afraid I don't understand. Edward, Carlisle do you understand?" Oh- we understood alright. But we were too busy laughing to answer him. Leave it to Alice to mock his recent insanity. This definitely was one of the most eventful weeks at the Cullen household.

Once we had stopped laughing I decided to see what my shirt said. I flipped it over, still smiling, and instantly grimaced. A low growl escaped my throat and I heard Alice thinking, _Ha-ha, Edward! You deserve this and if you're hearing me think this right now you're only proving my point. You keep peeping into everyone's thoughts._ She laughed and I growled again.

Carlisle was trying to hide a smile. "Well, it could be worse, 'Peeper'." He couldn't help himself and starting laughing, burying his face into his hands.

"Someone please explain how this could possibly be worse."

"You could be the 'Pervert'," Emmett suggested.

I rolled my eyes. "Thanks, Emmett, I feel _so_ much better now," I said sarcastically. For once Emmett was smart and didn't say anything else. I heard Alice tell me it was almost time to start and I started getting changed, switching into my jersey and a pair of black capris that I found in the box. We were standing around going over a few last minute plays when the girls came down the stairs. I heard the _click, click, click_ of Rosalie's camera and looked up. Instantly my eyes found my angel. She was covered from head to toe in pink protective gear and 'Hotties' was written across her chest in large block letters. I suddenly realized how much I had missed her.

"Edward- cut it out; I'm covered from head to toe in protective equipment," she said. Her voice was like an angel's and I found myself smiling.

"I know," I replied. "You look cute when you're being sensible." She blushed under her helmet. "What are the chances of you wearing things like that more often?"

She made a face, and then smiled, "About the same as you turning me into a vampire." I growled again.

But then it was my turn to smile. "Well don't be surprised if you end up wearing more protective gear from now on. After all, losers have to do anything the winners say." I grinned; I had caught her in her own trap.

"Alright you two leave it for the field," Alice said before dragging my Bella out the front door. Emmett grabbed my arm and started leading me out the back door whispered, "Good job psyching her out." He slipped me a quiet low-five before we slipped out the door and headed over to our team's side of the field.

Alice had gone overboard, as usual, with the decorations. A topaz 'Studs' banner was waving from out side and a topaz towel was spread out on the grass. She had painted the field makers and had even set up the end zones and goal posts.

"Alright, remember the plan. Flamenco number three. Then tango number 8," was all Emmett had to say in the huddle.

"Okay, then," I said. "Studs on three, studs on three! One, two, three!"

"Studs!" We shouted and broke the huddle, each taking our positions on the field. The girls joined us a minute later and mirrored our positions. They looked like they were ready for a battle but we could see the worry in their eyes. They had no idea what they were doing, this would be easy. We started the play easily; Emmett hiked the ball to Carlisle who instantly prepared to throw the ball to me. I ran forward towards our end zone and Jasper ran to the side in case I got caught. Emmett tried to run interference by changing the game plans every three seconds. But even with my vampire vision I could barely keep track of everything. Bella slipped on the grass and went sliding into Jasper like a bowling ball into the pins.

_There goes the backup plan_, I thought. But luckily for us I saw Alice collapse on the ground a few seconds later. She was holding her head and complaining. _Serves her right for calling me a 'Peeper'_, I thought. Carlisle had just enough time to get the football airborne before Esme tackled him to the ground. I laughed when I saw her continue to sit on his chest instead of getting off. Apparently my mother didn't know what to do in football after tackling someone on the other team. But at least tackling him was a step in the right direction. The first half of the game continued in a similar fashion. Someone would fall and someone else would tackle one of our players and it usually ended with one of us making a mad dash for the end zone. So needless to say when we were ahead 14 – 0 at the end of the first half we were feeling pretty good.

I saw the girls go running back inside but none of them were giving me any clues as to what they were up to. I didn't worry about it too much. I doubted that even Alice's skill on the internet could fix their lousy football game.

"Well, men," Emmett said, "I think we've got this game all wrapped up. If their second half game plan is anything like their first half then we have nothing to worry about. But keep on your toes. Those women are sneaky! And I wouldn't put it past any of them to try a sneak attack."

"Oh I trust Alice completely. She is such a wonderful wife to me and I love her so-"

"Can it, Jasper," Emmett snapped. "I'm getting tired of your lovey-dovey purity act." Jasper frowned but didn't say anything else.

"Well I don't trust Alice but I don't think there's anything they could have come up with that would improve their game that much in such a short-"

"Ready? Okay! H-O-T-T-I-E-S! What's that spell? Hotties! And we're gonna heat up your world!" The four girls rushed out onto the field in classic-style blue cheerleader uniforms. Emmett instantly roared with approval and started whistling at Rosalie. Jasper started clapping and cheering for Alice and even Carlisle was smiling at Esme and looking at her with that special glint in his eyes. I couldn't take my eyes off of Bella. She looked _adorable_ in the cheerleader's uniform and I suspected she had an equally adorable routine to match. I would have to remember to thank Alice later.

The girls did a few cartwheels and then started to introduce themselves. When Bella blew me a kiss I nearly passed out trying to resist the urge to kiss her . . . or bite her. Her scent was so strong that it was nearly impossible to resist. Luckily for my self control Alice was the first to perform. She called out the letters of Jasper's name while Bella, Rosalie and Esme made the letters. I didn't pay much attention to the first three performances and instead focused on tuning out the thoughts of the guys. Emmett, of course, was the worst. The very second that Rosalie tore off her cheerleader's uniform Emmett imagined what he wanted to see. Unfortunately for me Emmett has a fantastic imagination and nothing I did to him would stop. Even when Rosalie revealed her bunny outfit it didn't faze Emmett. He was having a fun time playing games in his head. It wasn't until I threatened to torture him for years and years to come did he finally stop imaging Rosalie.

Then, finally, it was Bella's turn. She started to spell out my name and I was completely spellbound. She just looked so adorable. Her cheers were impeccably timed and she looked so cute with her eyes squeezed shut in concentration. "That spells," she said, rolling her pom-poms and bouncing on her feet. She jumped into the air and tried to do a front flip. But no performance that included Bella would be complete unless Bella somehow messed up. I saw that she didn't have enough momentum to land back on her feet and I tried to run to her but Emmett grabbed my arm.

"Hang on, Edward," he said without taking his eyes off her. "I think this is gonna end up somewhere nice."

Reluctantly I sat back down and kept my eyes on Bella. And of course while she was in the air the skirt of her uniform flipped up revealing bright blue panties with "CHEER" written across the back in white sparkle letters; I heard a collective gasp from the guys.

"Dang, Eddie," Emmett whispered from beside me. "You're girlfriend is a _wild_ _thing_, ain't she?" I growled and barely resisted the urge to strangle Emmett. Emmett then started replaying the scene in his head and "editing" it to his personal fantasies. I was ready to kill him and if I hadn't glanced at Bella and seen her huge, twinkling eyes staring back at me I would have killed him right then and there.

"That spells," she whispered in my favorite voice. She was slightly breathless but her voice was right with love and adoration. Instantly my anger melted and I found myself smiling back at her. "That spells stud."

She hurried back into the line and Alice shouted, "But we're not done yet!"

The girls shouted "Get ready, get set, hut-hut HIKE!" I didn't know what was going on and apparently neither did my Bella. Someone threw the football and miraculously Bella managed to catch it. She looked stunned but took off for the end zone, running as if her life depended on it.

"Stop her," Emmett yelled, taking off after her. I was about to stop him when Alice tackled him, taking him down easily despite her size. And so the process continued. Even in their cheerleader uniforms the girls were fast. And if they got into trouble they had a few not-so-secret weapons. If Emmett had the ball all Rosalie had to do was catch his eye and the point was as good as theirs. And if all else failed, they would pass it to Bella. None of us could tackle her without risking hurting her. And somehow in the end we only managed to score one more touchdown, bringing us up to a total of 21 points. The girls, however, scored five touchdowns. Thirty- five points! While the girls celebrated we tried, ineffectively to sneak off.

Rosalie planted herself in out path. "Not so fast you guys. We won and that means you guys have to do anything we say." We groaned but quickly stopped when Rosalie glared at us, threats bouncing in her eyes. "And I believe that we all know what we're going to ask you to do," she glanced over her shoulder, "Right?"

'Ask you to do,' she says. How sweet of her to make it seem like we have a choice in the matter.

Alice and Esme nodded but Bella paused a moment, "Just a second, I haven't quite decided yet." And then Alice saw something but quickly blocked me out of her head.

"Alright, I'll start. Emmett, sexy boy," Emmett grinned, thinking Rosalie would go easy on him. "You have to rub my feet today." Emmett groaned; I laughed. Emmett hated feet and she knew it! He was instantly on his knees begging for something else but Rosalie just waggled her feet in his face.

"Alright, I'm next." Esme stepped forward, "Sweetheart, you will be cleaning the house from top to bottom. _Today_." Carlisle's face dropped; he hated cleaning and always tried to procrastinate to get out of cleaning. But Esme had him trapped; he too took to begging and pleading at her feet.

"My turn!" Alice was beaming and literally bouncing with excitement. "Jasper, darling, you are going to be locked inside our room and you are not allowed to leave or say _anything_ for a full 24-hours." I had to admit I felt bad for Jasper. His emotions had been completely out of whack this past week and he'd really been struggling to keep his grip on reality. I was afraid that this announcement would send him over the edge and he would snap. Instead he just collapsed. "Well, that's a pretty good start," Alice said and began dragging Jasper back inside.

Then it was my turn. I grinned nervously at Bella. If my heart had been pumping it would have been bouncing around my chest and beating as fast as Bella's when I kiss her. "Are you ready to hear what I have planned for you, Mr. Stud?" She asked. My smile grew even more strained to the point where I simply couldn't feel my face anymore. "Well I'd love to tell you what I have planned Edward, but I'm so tired after kicking your butt at football that I think I need a nap." She spun on her heel and marched into the house. I stood there for a moment, completely shocked. Then I cursed, very loudly, and collapsed into the cold, hard siding of the house.


	8. Kitties and Bathroom and Fires, Oh My!

**Alright here's the long awaited 8th chapter featuring: Edward's punishment! Yay! Recap for those who aren't sure of what happened in chapter 7, the guys and girls played against each other in a football game. The girls win and force the guys to bend to their will. Carlisle has to clean the house, Jasper is put in solitude, Emmett has to rub Rose's feet. Well let me just say that this chapter has gone completely insane. With a title like this, it's got to be crazy! It's about 20 pages in word and completely insane. We hope you enjoy! And I really hope you laugh as hard as we did!**

**All characters are (c) of Stephenie Meyer, we just ruin their lives. :D**

Title: Kitties and Fires and Bathrooms, Oh My!

Week during - Part 4

When I woke up again I felt refreshed but I could instantly sense that something was off. For one thing Edward wasn't lying next to me and, ironically, I felt cold without him lying next to me. I didn't see him immediately and I was just starting to wonder where he was when he passed across my line of sight. I sighed, relieved, but my relief was short lived.

"Edward," I asked. "Edward you seem shorter than usual." I smiled at the sound of that. "Edward, what's going-" I crawled to the edge of the bed and started to climb off when I realized that the floor was not where it should have been. Immediately I checked myself over and looked around the room. Bed was the same as it always had been and the rest of the room looked fine. I was pretty sure that I wasn't in some sort of Alice-in-Wonderland-parallel-universe situation. I squeezed my eyes shut but Edward still looked shorter and the bed was still way to high.

"Edward, answer me!" I shouted. That's when I noticed he was pacing around the bed. "Edward have you been pacing all night?"

He glared at me. "Yes, Bella, yes I have."

"Why? You couldn't sleep?" He glared again. "Sorry," I mumbled.

"Bella," He said, getting on his knees, which caused his head to dip below the level of the bed, "Please, I'm begging you. I _have_ to know what you're going to make me do."

"Alright, Edward," I said, sprawling out across the length of the bed. "You are going to take me out to dinner."

He peeked up cautiously when I didn't say anything else. "Is that all?"

"Oh no, there's more. But I'm going to need the bathroom before I tell you. And it would appear that the floor is a lot farther away than usual." Edward grinned sheepishly. I held out my arms, "A little help would be nice."

"Of course, Bella love." He scooped me easily into his arms and carried me easily over the paths of destruction he had managed to carve in the floor overnight. He set me down at the bathroom door and then waited patiently while I put in fresh protection and changed into the clothes that were waiting, neatly folded, on the counter. When I came out Edward was standing exactly where I left him, in another one of his ruts.

I leaned forward and kissed him. "You know, maybe having all these ruts in the floor isn't so bad. Now I don't have to reach up to kiss you."

He managed a small smile and then asked "What's the rest of it?"

Seeing the desperation in his eyes I couldn't deny him the truth any longer. You will come and pick me up here, in my truck," Edward made a face, "and take me out to dinner." He smiled and opened his mouth to say something but I put my finger over his lips. "I'm not finished yet. While we are out on the date you _will_ eat something." Edward's jaw dropped. I never thought it was possible for a vampire to pale but somehow Edward managed to pull it off.

He got down on his knees, making him effectively shorter than me and clasped his hands in front of him. "Please, Bella! Please don't make me! I'll do anything else just, please don't make me-"

Luckily Alice came bouncing into the room. "Bella I'm so glad you're letting me take you-UG!" Alice disappeared into one of Edward's "rabbit holes" or, more accurately, "vampire holes". She popped up a moment later, her eyes just barely visible over the tip. "Edward you'll pay for this."

"I already am," he grumbled.

Alice hopped out of her hole, "Come on, Bella! We have shopping to do!" She dragged me out of the room and out of the house faster than ever. I was glad to get away from Edward for once; if I had stayed there any longer I surely would have given in to his desperate pleading. Instead I had set myself at the mercy of Alice and the Port Angeles mall. Suddenly this didn't seem like such a good idea.

"Alice-" I tried to ask her if this was really necessary but we had already arrived at the mall and Alice was dragging me out of the car. "Oh, no," I groaned.

"Come on, Bella," Alice chirped, "This'll be fun!"

It wasn't fun. We spent five hours going in and out of stores trying on hundreds of outfits. Some of them I downright refused. But some of them were worth trying on, if only for the comedic value. Alright so maybe it was a little fun. In the end it came down to several outfits.

"Well, which one do you like, Alice?" I asked, taking another trip down the row of outfits.

"Personally I like the one in the middle."

I turned to the sound of the new voice.

"Hey Rose," Alice said without turning around.

Rosalie was standing behind us and smiling widely. "Bella," she said, "if you'll let me help you I will put together an outfit of amazing style and it will drive Edward crazy."

I smiled. "Even though it goes against my better instincts, I, Bella Swan, hereby give Rosalie and Alice Cullen permission to plan my outfit. Unless it is completely inappropriate to wear in public I will wear it on my date tonight."

The girls grinned and exchanged excited glances. They started talking at vampire speed and I knew I was in trouble. But true to my word I stuck with them and followed them as they went from store to store buying accessories. And, truthfully, by the time the outfit was finished, I was very satisfied. It was a pretty cute outfit after all.

When we got home we found Edward was sitting in the front yard, scowling.

"Edward? What happened," I asked.

"I got kicked out of the house for making a mess. I kept making holes in the floor so Carlisle kicked me out." We snickered. "It's not funny," Edward said seriously. "Carlisle was very angry when I fell through the floor. Especially because I landed on one of Esme's plants. She was screaming for hours. 'My house! My plant! Edward you're in so much trouble!'" he shouted, mimicking Esme's voice.

"I heard that Edward." She yelled from somewhere in the house. We laughed harder. "And Carlisle had to clean it all up, so I've been banished to the outside of the house."

"Well Edward," Rosalie said, "I've got something that should keep you busy. You can go pick up Bella's truck and come back here to pick her up."

Edward made a face but got up anyway. "Well I think just about anything is better than just sitting here. I can't stand another lecture from Carlisle about keeping the house clean." He took off running but then he was back a moment later staring down at Alice. "_What_ am I going need?"

She pulled a very thin wire out of her purse. Attached to the end of it was a little fish hook. "Attach this as soon as you get inside. Trust me, you'll need it." He gave Alice another look but took off again anyway.

"Alice," I said cautiously, "Do I want to know what that's about?"

"No," she said definitively. "Now come on, we have more important things to do."

EPOV

I wasn't sure why Alice had given me a fish hook but if there was one thing that you could be certain of in life: Alice was always right. So that's how I found myself racing through Forks swinging a fishing hook. When I reached Bella's house I didn't see the cruiser in the garage and couldn't hear Charlie inside.

_Someone must have changed their mind_, I thought. _Maybe I won't need this thing after all._ Silently I slipped into the house without making a sound. It only took me a moment to find Bella's keys in a bowl on the living room table. I didn't think that it would come to this but I figured that it couldn't hurt to humor Alice.

I slipped the hook through the hole in the top of the keys and tugged at the string, pulling the keys out of the bowl. Suddenly I heard the sound of Charlie's key in the door. I didn't know what to do and had to hide quickly. I did the only thing I could; I jumped. I pressed my legs into the corners of the ceiling and tried to keep myself steady. Charlie looked into the living room and for a moment he almost caught me, but then he turned around and hung his coat up. My feet slipped on the wall and the only way I could avoid falling was if I allowed myself to hang upside-down. For the first time in a long time I was terrified. I wasn't sure I could move fast enough to avoid being seen my Charlie. He started to come into the room and I was sure I was caught. But the turned and flipped on the TV. I knew I had to move fast. I yanked the string and tried to pull the keys up but the string snapped. The keys went flying and I had to dive to save them. But even then one of the keys nicked the back of Charlie's head. I fisted the keys and high tailed it out the front door. I hid myself in one of the trees in the front yard to make sure I hadn't gotten caught.

"Huh, I left the door open." Was all Charlie had to say.

BPOV

"This is crazy," I said, looking in Alice's full-length mirror. "You can't be serious!"

"Oh we're serious, Bella." Rosalie replied, smiling back at me from the mirror. "And remember, you promised."

I made a face. "I seriously consider this to be inappropriate to wear in public."

"Would it help if I told you how Edward is going to react?" Alice asked, fixing my hair for the hundredth time.

"It might," I said.

Alice smiled. "His eyes are going to pop out of his head and his jaw is going to drop. His eyes are going to sweep over you and he'll be afraid to take you out in public because he's afraid someone else will try and steal you away from him. And he's going to be running his hand down his face and through his hair a lot."

I grinned. "Okay so maybe I can handle wearing this." After spending a grand total of six hours at the mall we had finally decided on a complete outfit. I was practicing keeping a straight face for when Edward saw me. At first glance my outfit didn't look very strange; it may have looked strange for me but in general it was a normal outfit. I was wearing a black mini-dress with little puff sleeves that went down to about my mid-thigh. I also had on black flats with absolutely no heel and a few no-skid stamps to help prevent me from falling and hurting myself. And then it started to get a little stranger. Around my waist was a leopard print belt that was at least a few inches thick. And Alice had also bought me leopard print tights that she had called "absolutely purrfect." Finally there was what had to be the strangest accessory I had ever worn. It was a black choker necklace, pretty ordinary right? Wrong; this one had a little gold bell attached to it so that whenever I moved or talked it jingled.

I saw Alice holding a pink box in the mirror and I frowned. "Alice," I said cautiously, "what's in that box?"

She smiled back at me and said, "Don't worry, Bella. We're going to take good care of you!" I paled. I sensed another round of 'Barbie Bella' coming on.

As it turns out they didn't end up playing 'Barbie Bella', instead they only put a little bit of make-up on. Alice put on some black eye liner while Rosalie put a light layer of make-up on my face.

"Don't worry," she explained, "This is very light, it will make your skin look more even-toned but you won't even know it's there." They finished with the basics and Rosalie got a few pictures. But of course they couldn't resist having a little fun. Alice found a pair of leopard cat ears and a cat tail and put them on. Rosalie, meanwhile, drew on a few cat whiskers and shaded in a little triangle on the tip of my nose. Then, with their help, I posed in a series of model-style animal poses. I was laughing so hard that I was almost crying. But everything came crashing to a halt when we heard the loud rumbling of my truck coming up the driveway, sputtering the whole way.

"I'll stall him," Rosalie said, "Alice you finish everything else and then get her downstairs." She disappeared out the door.

"Hold still, Bella, this _can_ burn you," Alice said, coming at me with a curling iron.

EPOV

I had finally managed to get back to my house driving Bella's ridiculously slow truck. One day, I swear, I will buy her a new car, something fast but safe. I was just getting out of the car when Rosalie came running up to me with a laundry bag in her arms.

"Catch Edward!" She yelled, throwing it at me.

"Rosalie what are you-" but she had disappeared before I could finish my sentence. I sighed and looked inside the bag. On the top was a note that read 'Put it on, _all_ of it, Love, Rose.' I rolled my eyes and pulled out a pair of blue jeans and a black turtleneck. _Well this doesn't seem so bad,_ I thought. And then I noticed something else sitting at the bottom of the bag. I pulled it out and groaned. "You've got to be kidding me!" I yelled towards the house. I saw Rosalie pull aside one of the curtains in the living room and stick her tongue out at me.

"Just put it on, _Eddie_," she yelled.

I grumbled but went around the back of the truck and changed my clothes, stuffing the old ones into the laundry bag. For the time being I decided to stash the bag in the back of Bella's truck. I could always get them later.

As I started up the path to my house I caught one more thought from Rosalie.

_Oh, one more thing, Edward. Knock before you come inside._

I had no idea why I was being required to knock before entering my own house but I decided to humor her. I rapped gently on the smooth white-wood door. Carlisle and Esme answered the door side by side. They made a point of subtly looking me up and down.

"So, you're here to pick up our daughter, I presume?" Carlisle asked me.

I was very confused, Bella wasn't their daughter, at least not yet, and why was Carlisle pretending he didn't know me. I was about to ask when I heard Rosalie think, _Just play along, dummy!_

"Yes, sir, I am. My name is Edward; it is very nice to meet you, Mr. Cullen."

Carlisle offered me a small smile. "Hello, Edward. You may call me Carlisle. You have excellent manners; your parents have raised you well."

"Oh yes, they've been wonderful to me and have raised me to be a gentleman, just like my father. And my mother is a very sweet woman." I smiled at them. "Hello, Mrs. Cullen, you're looking lovely today."

Esme smiled and pretended to smooth the non-existent wrinkles in her blue dress. "Thank you, Edward. You may call me Esme by the way. Won't you come inside?"

"Thank you." I had to admit it felt rather odd pretending that I didn't know my own family, especially when I could still hear their thoughts.

Just then Bella appeared at the top of the stairs. Carlisle and Esme turned their heads expectantly. I felt my eyes bug out and my jaw drop; I felt compelled to take off my hat when she entered the room, an old habit. I couldn't believe what Bella was wearing. I thought for sure that the moment Esme saw her that she would send her 'daughter' back to her room and demand she get changed.

Instead Esme said, "Oh, Bella, darling you look adorable! Come down here and do a little spin for me, I want to see the whole outfit."

Carlisle pretended to glare over at me, "Young man," he whispered, "that is no way to stare at my daughter."

I closed my mouth and took my eyes off of Bella, with difficulty. "My apologizes."

Bella came down the stairs and did a little turn as Esme had requested. I had to admit that she did look adorable. She looked comfortable in the black mini-dress but the leopard belt was definitely one of Alice's inventions. She kept modest black flats but was being daring with her leopard tights. Her black hair was gently curled and it hung around her face in tight, bouncy ringlets. She didn't wear much make-up but there was a curious black triangle on her nose. She was also holding a little black purse with a cursive 'B' written on the side in rhinestones.

While Esme cooed over Bella's outfit and her hair Carlisle leaned over to me. "You take good care of my daughter tonight, Edward. I want her home by 10 and you better do everything she says." He lowered his voice, "Trust me, just do what she says and don't try to disobey her orders. The girls won the football game and now we have to do what they say. Resisting only makes it worse." Esme caught his eye and he cleared his throat. "Treat her well, and don't do anything your father wouldn't do."

Bella leaned up and kissed Esme on the cheek. "Goodbye, Mom, I love you," she said. I smiled. You couldn't ignore the love and joy that filled Esme's eyes at that moment. "Goodbye, Dad, I love you," she said, kissing Carlisle on the cheek.

Carlisle put his arm around Esme, "Have a good time, dear." He waved as I held the door open for Bella and led her out to her truck. I opened the door for her and helped her inside and then got in myself.

I started the car and took off at its top speed; an aggravatingly slow 50 mph. After a moment I said, "Okay, we are officially out of earshot of my family."

Bella laughed and flicked the corner of the Fedora up so that she could actually see my face. "So, Edward, what is with your outfit? That doesn't look like something you'd wear. Especially the Fedora."

I grimaced, "Rosalie came running outside and told me to put this on. Hey, wait a minute, you're asking about my outfit? What about yours? You're dressed like a-"

"Like a what, Edward? Finish that sentence, I dare you."

"I swear, Bella," I said, trying to quickly change the subject, "I'm going to buy you a new car one day. This one isn't safe."

"You're just saying that because you hate driving at a _human_ speed."

"It's not just that, this truck is going to break down somewhere and then what will you do?"

"Don't change the subject," she said. "Don't you want to know where we're going?"

I sighed, "Alright, where are we going?"

She smiled, "I was thinking of going to that little restaurant in Port Angles where you took me way back when."

I grimaced. "You mean the restaurant I took you to after you were almost gang-raped?"

"Well, there's that memory," she admitted. "But I _was_ saved by my knight in a shiny silver Volvo."

"Knight or a worse monster than the ones that attacked you?"

"Stop it, Edward, or I'll add more food to your menu."

"Tell me again why I'm being punished so cruelly?"

"Well my hormones are a little out of control right now and they're telling me to be cruel to men. And since you are the dominant male in my life you are the butt of my abuse."

"Wonderful," I said, rolling my eyes. "I feel so loved."

Bella plucked the Fedora off of my head and kissed my cheek. "Don't worry, Edward, you'll also be subject to my deepest sympathies and rewards for putting up with me this last week."

"And what do these rewards include?"

"All sorts of wonderful things," she said as she put her head on my shoulder and intertwined her fingers with my own. I laughed and kissed her on the head.

After what felt like hours we reached the restaurant. After taking back my Fedora I walked around to Bella's door and opened it for her, helping her step out. Then we walked arm in arm up the steps into the restaurant.

BPOV

Edward helped me out of the car and then we walked up the steps and into the restaurant. Alice had already made us a reservation so we didn't have to wait and I didn't have to watch the blonde with too much make-up and way too much perfume ogle Edward when she thought I wasn't watching her. Instead she just led us to a little booth. The same booth, I realized, that we sat at the first time we came here.

A waiter came over with two menus. I started to look through it when I heard Edward growl and caught him glaring at our waiter. I glared at him but he didn't notice. Our waiter cleared his throat recited a list of specials and asked us for drink orders.

"I'll have a chocolate milkshake," I said.

"I'll-" he tried to say.

"_He'll_ have a strawberry milkshake," I interrupted, giving him another glare. He made a face, clearly pouting.

As soon as the waiter had left he started in with the begging. "Please, Bella don't-wait, what you doing?!" I had taken out a pair of glasses with darkened shades and subtly slipped my headphones into my ears.

"Edward this are 'Anti-dazzle Glasses' and Alice's 'Anti-Edward Earplugs'. So that I won't fall victim to your begging."

"Oh come-" his voice was promptly quieted and instead Alice's rang clear in my ears.

"Hi, Bella," she chirped. "This is you're anti-Edward recording. Right now he's begging you to reconsider and not make him eat food. Frankly I think he's long overdue for a little torture. Now just to make sure that this recording is in sync with Edward, he should be throwing his hands up right now."

I looked at Edward, he was throwing his hands in the air and looked very exasperated. I laughed and Alice continued talking for another minute or two. "Alright he's done ranting now. You milkshakes will arrive momentarily so you had better lose the shades and the iPod. Bye, Bella, have fun!" I quickly took off my glasses and popped my ear buds out.

Sure enough the waiter appeared a moment later with our milkshakes. Edward looked ill.

"Are you ready to order?" He asked us.

I smiled at Edward, "Yes, yes we are." The guy took out a little pad and got ready to write down our orders. "We'll have the New York Strip Steak, well done, I don't want it to be pink at all. We'd also like the lobster with the butter sauce, a personal pizza," I kept going, reciting nearly half the menu and getting all three side dishes: rice, French Fries, mixed vegetables and, my favorite, garlic mashed potatoes with extra gravy. I also ordered him the butternut squash soup and a bleu cheese salad. "Oh and the _three_ cheese macaroni with bacon bits and extra cheese."

The waiter flipped back through the pages of his notebook. "Alright, but I think its going to be a little while before we can get everything out here."

"That's fine," Edward answered quickly. "We can wait."

I smiled sweetly at him, pretending this was just another night out on the town with my boyfriend. The time went by quickly as we recalled old memories from when I first moved to Forks and when Edward and I first started dating. Or rather, _I _recalled old memories, Edward just pouted. He also pulled a repeat performance of paling out even though he was a vampire when the waiters brought out the trays of food.

"If it will make you feel better, I'll feed you." I said, brightly.

Edward made a face but sighed. "Alight. But do I really have to eat _all this food?_" He made a sweeping motion that encompassed the large wood table of the booth and the extra table that the waiters had been forced to drag over.

I thought about it for a minute. "Alright, you only have to eat one bite of everything considering there's so much of it." I pulled over the steak and cut a large piece off and then speared it with my fork. "Open up, Edward."

He just stared at me like I had just turned into a werewolf. "Isn't that a little . . ." he gulped, "big?"

"Come on, _Eddie_, just eat it." He grimaced but took the food that I offered him. He made a face but finally managed to swallow it. "Drink some milkshake," I encouraged. He gave me a death glare. I smiled back. This continued throughout the dinner. He was able to handle the spaghetti pasta, I don't think he even tried to taste the soup, and he practically swallowed the French fries whole. He managed to keep down the pizza and the salad but when he got to the macaroni with three cheeses and bacon bits he looked like he wanted to be violently ill. It didn't help that it had the consistency of paper paste and was the most disgusting color yellow. I made sure to get a lot of cheese and a few bacon bits and then held it out to Edward, barely resisting my own urge to gag.

"Bella I can't do this. Isn't there some way that I can surrender? Some _other_ horrible punishment you have waiting in the wings? Please, anything but-" While Edward had his mouth open I took that opportunity to shove the horrid concoction in. If Edward was pale before, he was downright green now. I was almost afraid he was going to choke or pass out but I saw him gulp and saw a strange little lump slide down his throat. I giggled quietly. "Bella I don't think even you would eat this."

"Oh yeah?" I said. I picked up the fork and speared a big piece, with all the cheeses and a few pieces of bacon. Without taking my eyes off of Edward I put it in my mouth, chewed and swallowed without even a single wince.

"How do you _do_ that," he demanded.

"Try living with Renee while she's going through an 'I want to learn how to cook' phase and you'll be able to stomach anything."

Edward continued to glare at me while I cut him more food. Finally something occurred to him. "Bella," he asked, "What are we going to do with all this extra food?"

"Don't worry, Edward," I scooped up a nice-sized pile of garlic mashed potatoes with gravy, "We're going to get it all packaged and give it to the food shelter. No reason some _unpicky_ humans shouldn't get a nice meal."

"Bella, 'unpicky' isn't a word."

"Stop complaining and finish your food." About an hour later Edward had sampled everything and we had both finished our milkshakes. Edward paid the check and the waiter packaged up our many dishes. We left a nice tip and then we walked back to the car, both of our arms full of Styrofoam boxes. We stacked them into the back of my truck and Edward turned to me.

"Ready to go home?"

"Nope," I grinned, "not even close! We're going to the boardwalk!" Edward grimaced but obediently started my truck.

Unfortunately for Edward the boardwalk would hold little to no happiness tonight. Instead it held a feast of French fries, cotton candy, sno-cones, candy apples, saltwater taffy and triple swirled ice cream. Vanilla, chocolate _and_ peanut butter with rainbow sprinkles on top.

After I had finished torturing Edward with food we started to walk back to the car. The people working at the game booths called out to various people on the boardwalk or shouted out instructions to those already playing. We passed by one of them the announcer called out to us.

"Hey there, good sir, would you like to win a teddy bear for your sweetheart?"

Edward glanced over at me; I was blushing furiously and trying to hide behind my hair. So he smiled and stepped up to the booth. Just our luck, it was the one where you throw bean bags at the bottles and try and knock them all down. Edward winked at me and threw his first bean bag. It completely missed the pyramid of bottles. The announcer tried to hide his smile. "Strike one, sir. Two more tries 'til you can win a prize."

Edward threw the second bag and it hit the topmost bottle. "Aw, too bad. You have to knock down all three bottles at once." He restacked the bottles. "Good luck."

Edward pretended to line up his shot, narrowing his eyes and then launched the bag like it was a baseball. His threw with such force that my hair blew around my face and I stumbled forward into the booth. The bottles nearly exploded on impact but at least they flew off the stand.

"We have a winner!" The announcer cheered. "Pick you prize, sir."

Edward scanned through the prizes, glancing over the angle puppies and the giant purple gorillas. My favorite crooked smile spread over his face. He pointed to a little brown teddy bear that was wearing a black cape, red vest and had little pointed fangs; a vampire teddy bear. "I'll take that one, please."

"Sure thing," the guy said with an overly cheery smile. "And tonight is two-for-one night so you can pick a second prize absolutely free!"

This time it was my turn to smile. I pointed to a grey wolf. "I'd like him, please."

"Of course, miss." He handed us our prizes and then waved us off saying, "Have a nice night you two."

"So, Bella," Edward asked, "What are you naming your little . . . presents?"

"Well," I held up the vampire, "This one looks like an Edward to me." I held him up beside the real thing. "Yup, you could be twins!" Edward rolled his eyes. "And this little guy," I held up the wolf, "Will be Jacob."

Edward scowled. "Just for that," he said, "I'm going to do this." He swept me into his arms faster than I could protest and wouldn't put me down. "You look tired, Bella, I had better carry you back to the car." I tried to protest or struggle out of his arms so he kissed me; I fell silent and stopped struggling a moment later.

On the way back Edward spotted someone we knew. "Isn't that Mike and," he paused, "what was her name?"

"Oh, Jessica? Yes I think that is them."

He smiled down and me and raised an eyebrow. "Want to make them jealous?"

"Always," I said, giving him a quick kiss. "Hey, Jessica!" I called, waving from Edward's arms.

"Bella? Edward? Is that you?" Jessica turned and stared at us.

"Hello, Mike. Good evening, Jessica. Fancy seeing you here. Are you on a date as well?" Edward asked with such complete sincerity and just the right amount of interest. You would have believed us to all have been old friends.

We wandered over to their side and watched as Jessica struggled to close her jaw. She looked us over a few times before she grabbed Mike's hand and squeezed it.

"OW," he protested. She elbowed him in the ribs.

"Yes, we are on a date. But, uh, Bella . . . why are you, I mean, why is he . . ."

Edward didn't take his eyes off of me as he said, "Well Bella got tired and I simply wouldn't let her walk back to the car." He kissed me on the forehead, "You know I'd do anything for you, Bella love. I love you."

I put my hand on his cheek. "Oh, Edward, I love you, too. Let's go back to your house, okay?"

"_His house?!_" Mike practically screamed.

"Yeah," I mumbled, running my fingers through Edward's bronze hair. "I can't wait to feel your arms around me when we climb into your bed."

Edward winked at Mike. "Have a good night, you two." And then he walked off, kissing me tenderly. I fisted bits of his hair just for effect. Sure enough I felt Edward smile while he was kissing me.

"They jealous?"

"_So_ jealous." I laughed quietly. Edward starting laughing as well and before I knew it we were sitting back in my ancient truck. "You know, I meant what I said. I _do_ love you."

Edward sighed, "I love you, too, Bella. Well at least I do right now. In a day or two, we'll see. You have no idea what I'm in for."

"Oh come on, Edward," I said. "It can't be that bad." Looking back on it, it really was _that bad._

When we got home Edward had just enough time to drop me off in the living room before he rushed upstairs and into the bathroom that was attached to his room.

"What was that about," Emmett asked from his spot on the floor. He was parked in front of the TV playing some game that involved a lot of blood.

"I'm not really sure. I'm assuming this is what Edward meant when he said that things get messy when you guys eat food."

"Oh, man, you made him eat _food_?" Emmett shook his head and laughed a little. "I don't know whether to laugh to feel sorry for the guy. He's in for a long night."

I sat on the couch for a little while longer, watching Emmett shooting zombies and blowing them up. Then I realized that I hadn't changed protection recently. I slipped off the couch and hurried into Edward's room again. I poked my head inside cautiously. The bathroom door was closed and no one else was inside. I closed the door behind me and knocked quietly on the bathroom door. "Edward?" I said, "Are you decent? I need to grab a few supplies." I didn't hear any answer so I gently cracked the door open. Edward was hunched over the toilet, he was breathing heavily and if he was human his face would have been slicked with sweat. I hurried over to his side and knelt down next to him. "Oh, baby," I cooed. "Are you alright? Is there anything I can do?"

He shook his head, "Go," he gasped. "Don't . . . want . . . see . . . me . . . weak."

"Oh, but Edward-"

He started to heave towards the toilet again and after a moment said, "Please, love."

I kissed him on the cheek and after a moment I walked back out, holding a package of pads in my arms. I decided to use the bathroom that was downstairs to avoid running into anyone. While I was there I changed into my pajamas. An oversized t-shirt that Edward had bought and worn constantly for a few months, just for me. Now it smelled just like him, so that even when I couldn't be with him, because Charlie was being overprotective, I could still be reminded of him. And a pair of bright red "Forks High" sweat pants. When I had finished I wandered back into the living room and watched Emmett play for a little while longer.

I guess I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, I was waking up. And something was wet. I held up my hand and saw it was coated with red blood. Of course I did the natural thing: I screamed.

Emmett was at my side in an instant. "What's wrong?" He bellowed.

But even with his booming voice I didn't hear what he said. I threw off the blanket that someone had draped over me and rushed into the bathroom. "Aw, _man!_" I yelled. My pants had a large round stain on them and I was in desperate need of new protection. I changed and then peeked out of the bathroom. Esme was standing in the hall with a laundry basket on her hip. I could see the blanket already crumpled inside of it. I blushed and whispered, "Sorry, Esme."

She smiled kindly. "Don't worry, Bella. I've been meaning to do more laundry anyway."

I smiled back at her a little. I was about to ask if she could bring me some new pants but Alice appeared next to her before I could. "Here you go, Bella," she chirped. She held out light blue pajama pants with little duckies on them.

"Cute," I said. I closed the door and slipped into the pants that Alice must have bought specifically for me because they fit me perfectly.

I was embarrassed about how much trouble I was causing everyone so when I came back out of the bathroom I decided to head up to Edward's room and hide out. Bad idea. At first the room was quiet. I picked out a CD from Edward's collection and settled myself on his bed. I was still feeling tired but I was determined not to fall asleep so I took one of his pillows and hugged it to my chest. For a little while I just sat there, lost in aimless thoughts, but then when the first song ended I heard the most horrible sound.

I jumped off the bed and tore open the bathroom door. Edward was still bent over the toilet and was retching. I could almost feel myself turning green. There were several reasons why I could not become a doctor. Not being able to stand the sight of blood was one of them. Another was that when I saw people getting sick, it instinctively made me want to get sick. I quickly slammed the door and rushed out into the hallway. Alice was standing there calmly with paper bag in her hands. I grabbed it and ran down the stairs. I collapsed onto the couch and began taking deep breathes in and out of the bag. When I could breath again I opened my eyes and sighed.

"What happened this time?" Emmett asked. He was in the same spot as before but this time he was playing a hit-and-run game.

"Edward was getting sick in the bathroom."

"And now you feel sick? Ha," he laughed. "Well isn't that-"

Jasper came bursting into the room. "You want some karma with your schadenfreude?!"

"What?" I shrieked.

"You got served," Emmett bellowed before high-fiving Jasper.

"Jasper what are doing here? I thought you were banished," I asked.

"Time's up and Alice let me go. And it looks like I'm just in time to dish out some karma."

"I still don't know what you're talking about."

"Well," Emmett piped up, "You were enjoying Edward's suffering before when you made him eat food, hence the schadenfreude, taking enjoyment out of the suffering of others."

"And because of that you've earned yourself a nice big karma cake. So that's why you're sitting down here in Alice's pants feeling sick," Jasper finished.

I stuck my tongue out at both of them.

Jasper having satisfied his need to mock me settled in on the floor and joined Emmett's video game.

I guess I must have fallen asleep again; either that or my life was stuck on repeat, because when I woke up I realized that I had once again bled through my clothes. And this time it had also gotten on the couch. "Oh, man! Esme's going to kill me," I said.

"Oh, of course not, dear," Esme said, gliding into the room. "I don't mind at all. Why don't you run upstairs and get changed again."

"Alight," I said, "But why aren't you upset?"

"Because, Bella, I don't have to clean it. Oh Carlisle," she called. Carlisle appeared next to us looking very annoyed and frankly a little silly in his apron and green rubber gloves. He was holding a bucket filled with soaps and air fresheners.

I hung my head in shame, "Sorry, Carlisle."

"It's not a problem, Bella. I don't blame you," He said, even though his eyes were filled with hatred. "I hate those two over there. 'Don't worry, Carlisle, our wives are no match for us at football' they said. 'There's no way we can lose' they told me. But did their brilliant little plan work? _Nooooo_."

Edward appeared next. "Hey, Emmett, Jasper, want to go hunting?"

"Sure," They said.

"Just let me beat Jasper." And in five seconds Jasper's character ended up being a bloody mess on the TV. "Alright," he said. "Let's go."

And just like that they were gone. Carlisle grumbled and got to work cleaning and Esme and I went upstairs. "Esme, I think Edward's really upset with me. I want to do something to make it up to him but I don't know what to do."

"Well something from your heart will mean the most to him. What do you usually do to try and make up with people?"

"Well," I thought about it for a moment. "Well I guess I would usually make cookies for them."

"Oh that sounds like fun! Can I help you, please?" Esme was holding her hands in front of her face and was looking at me with her big golden eyes and I couldn't resist, not that I wanted to.

"Alright, we'll start when he gets home, that way they'll still be warm."

"Perfect! What will we need?" I rattled off a list of ingredients that we would need and told Esme that she could pick up a cookie cutter if she found one she liked. "Oh, and Bella? I left some clean laundry for you on Edward's bed."

"Thanks, Esme." I gave her a quick hug before ducking into Edward's room to change. I decided that before I changed clothes that I ought to change protection before anything started leaking again and I made an even bigger mess out of things. A minute or two later I poked my head out of the bathroom. I didn't think anyone would be there but in a house where vampires can be as silent as the air it didn't hurt to check. I slipped out of the bathroom and tossed the stained pajama pants into a laundry basket, which Edward had adopted for me, on the floor. I slipped out of my underwear and was careful to cover myself with my shirt before I could get into a fresh pair. I surveyed the clothes on Edward's bed. Since sleeping hadn't worked out very well for me I decided not to go with the pajama pants and instead opted for a pair of jeans. I grabbed the pair closest to me and pulled them on. While I was at it I threw my t-shirt into the basket and got out of the leopard print bra Alice had insisted on buying me. I changed into my favorite royal blue one instead and settled for a green polo shirt.

Normally I don't care much about my appearance but I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. From the waist up I looked the same as always, but I was stunned at how flattering the jeans were. They fit perfectly and made my nothing-special legs look like they belonged in a commercial. I found myself caressing my thighs and running my hands over my legs and butt, unable to believe that these jeans fit me so perfectly. I thought I heard a subtle _click _sound but when I turned around no one was there.

I turned back to the mirror and that's when I caught the reflection. Edward was sitting on his windowsill and looking at me with a mixture of amusement and confusion. He raised his eyebrow in questioning. "What are you doing?"

"You don't understand, Edward," I said, talking to his reflection, "I've never had a pair of jeans fit so well in my life." I continued running my hands along my legs and turning around to make sure that they fit well from every angle.

"Well that's great, Bella." He smiled, "There's just one little thing, however."

"You better not say I look fat in these jeans," I said, finally turning to face him.

"Of course not! It's just that . . . those are _my _jeans."

I felt my jaw drop and I went numb. I couldn't tell if I was blushing or not but I must have been making a strange face because Edward was trying to hide his smile with his hands and Rosalie burst into the room with her camera and snapped my photo before I could stop her.

"Bella?" Edward asked, cautiously. "Are you alright?"

I made a few large hand motions and attempted to say several things before I gave up and stormed out of the room. For once, Edward did not follow me. I went into the kitchen and plopped into a chair. Seconds later Esme appeared with several brown paper bags in her arms.

"Hello, Bella, I got everything we needed for the – what's wrong?"

"Jeans," I mumbled.

She looked at me. "They look wonderful on you. Is there something wrong with them? Is there a stain that wouldn't come out?"

"No."

"Are they ripped?" I shook my head. "Well then what's wrong with them?"

"They're Edward's."

"Oh, my. Well," Esme was at a loss for words. "Well they fit you and that's all that matters. Now," she said, quickly changing the subject. "Shall we bake?"

I smiled at her, "Sure. We start with the butter." And so we started out on our adventure to make cookies. We ended up going with simple sugar cookies. Once the dough was all mixed together we rolled it out and Esme got out her cookie cutter.

"I thought this would be a cute idea," she said, handing me a red plastic cut-out.

I instantly started to laugh. Esme had gotten a kitty shaped cookie cutter. I cut out the cookies and Esme put them onto the cookie sheets. We filled up three cookie sheets and once the oven had heated up I gave one to Esme.

She looked at it for a moment before asking, "What do I do with it?"

"Well Esme, you just put it into the oven." I had my back turned and was standing at the sink scrubbing dishes so I wasn't watching her.

I heard the oven door open and then I heard Esme scream out in pain. I spun around, splashing soapy water everywhere; including the oven, Esme's face, and the frying pan we had used to melt the butter. The cookie sheet dropped out of Esme's hands and it flipped around, spilling a few little doughy kitty cats all over the inside of the oven and dropping the rest of them onto the floor as the tray landed upside down. Esme spun around and crashed into the wall which knocked down the pans that also clattered to the floor. "OW," she shrieked. Steam flew up in a sizzling, sparking mess.

I tried to rush over to Esme's side but I tripped on the cookie tray and flew towards the floor. My arms flew out to the side and my hand crashed into the handle of the frying pan which sent the buttery, soapy, burning hot mess flying towards the wall. "Look out," I yelled. I managed to drag Esme out of harm's way but her dishes weren't so lucky. The pan hit them and they exploded. Some of them shattered from the impact and some of them cracked from the intense heat. We covered our heads with our arms and tried to avoid the pieces of falling china.

"Esme, are you o-oh jeez!" Emmett came rushing in, having heard the commotion but had slipped on a piece of china and crashed into the kitchen island where the remaining two cookie trays and glass mixing bowl were sitting. He slid over the smooth marble, easily knocking everything off. I somehow managed to catch one tray before it could hit the floor but the other one landed on my head.

The glass bowl fell to the floor and shattered before anyone could stop it and at exactly that moment the smoke alarm went off. The cookies that had fallen in the oven had begun to burn and several of them had actually caught fire. Smoke was billowing out of the oven and hiding the ceiling. Emmett, who had been hovering on the brink of the island, finally slipped off and crashed into my butt head-first. His feet then collided with Esme's head. When Emmett landed on me, however, my feet involuntarily jerked and collided with his "guy spot". He howled in pain and his arms flailed blindly. He ended up smacking me in the back of the head which sent the cookie tray into the oven. The cookies spilled and caught fire almost instantly which then spread to the rest of the oven.

I tried to jump up but found it incredibly difficult with Emmett still lying on my back. In fact, it was becoming hard to breathe. "Emmett," I wheezed, "get off!" Fortunately he rolled off of me. _Un_fortunately he rolled onto Esme, who groaned in pain. Still it gave me enough time to scramble away, over the shards of broken glass and china, and find a fire extinguisher the Cullens had left under their sink just in case.

Fortunately the fire extinguisher worked and the oven was soon free of flames. _Un_fortunately everything and everyone was coated in a thick layer of extinguisher foam. Including Jasper who had the poor timing to come dancing inside at that exact moment. He was dressed like Sleeping Beauty, although where he found such a dress none of us know, and he was holding a rose in his hands. He had just enough time to say, "Only my true lo-" before he was hit with the foam. He sputtered and dropped his rose to the floor where it was instantly lost among the sea of white. "My rose," he shrieked.

"Rose?!" Emmett jumped up. "I'll save you from the fire, Rose!"

"Fire?" I didn't hear most of what Emmett said but I thought he had spotted another fire so I took aim and shot him with a burst of foam. It hit Emmett with such force that he toppled backward, slipped on the numerous hazards laying about the floor and went crashing through the window, activating the alarm system. Once the deafening shrieks of the fire alarm and the security alarm combined Jasper lost it. He ran screaming from the room and ran into the rest of the house. He turned to run up the stairs just as Edward was coming down and he scared the living daylights out of Edward who jumped a mile into the air and fell over the banister, crashing into the floor below.

"Edward!" I yelled. I threw the fire extinguisher over my shoulder and it got lodged under the door of the oven. The handle got squeezed down and a mad burst of foam was thrown everywhere. But with no one holding onto the hose the foam sprayed in every direction. Esme got a fresh layer of foam thrown onto her and so did the walls and even the ceiling was coated. In fact the foam was now spreading to the rest of the house and the front lawn courtesy of Emmett's broken window.

But of course I can never do anything correctly. Instead of rushing safely to Edward's side, I tripped and was sent flying into the foam. But when I landed instead of staying in one spot, I slid into the hallway. And bad timing struck again as Carlisle came through the front door with a few more brown paper bags.

"Hello, I'm home," he called. "Alice said I would need medical supplies so I picked up a bunch of things. Is everything still alri-AH!"

I tried to yell, "Watch out Carlisle!" But I was too late. I crashed into his legs and he came down hard onto my back. We kept sliding over the newly washed floors and we crashed into the side of the house. When I finally opened my eyes I expected to be sitting in the living room. Instead I found myself in the midst of Esme's gardens with Carlisle lying on top of me.

Thankfully he got off of me before I had trouble breathing. I sat up, dazed and looked back through the house. I could see glimpses of the destroyed kitchen and a trail of foam running through the house. Perfectly white foam covered almost every surface of the hallway and parts of the living room. Well it was almost perfectly white, except for one red streak that was running through it all. I shifted and then looked at where I had been sitting.

"Oh, no, not again," I whined.

"Bella, I think that's the least of your worries," Carlisle said. He was bent down next to me and looking at a large tear in the side of my shirt. He gently pressed against my skin. "Tell me does this hurt?"

I winced and nearly crumbled from the intense pain.

"I'll take that as a yes," he said. The next thing I knew Carlisle was laying me down gently onto the couch, which miraculously was still clean. "I'm going to get my medical kit," he said before disappearing. Emmett staggered in and collapsed on the floor. I handed him a pillow which he gratefully accepted and placed under his head. Edward came in carrying Esme in his arms, he had a small lump forming on his forehead and Esme looked dazed. He set her down on the opposite end of the couch. Carlisle appeared a moment later with a large white box filled with medical supplies. He looked me over and then gave me some heavy pain killers before he turned to Esme and bandaged her slightly burned hands.

Alice came in with a plate of blackened kitty cookies in one hand and a chisel in the other. "Sorry, Bella, but this is all that remains."

"What were you making cookies for, Bella?" Edward asked, coming into my line of vision that was slightly hazier than before.

"I wanted us to make up so I made you kitty cookies."

"Bella you didn't have to do that. I mean you _really_ didn't have to."

"But if you don't eat a cookie then you're still mad at me and we can't make up."

"But, Bella love-"

"You don't love me!"

"What?!"

"And you think I look fat in these jeans. Admit it! I look fat, say it Edward! _Say it! _I dare you!"

"Alice what the heck is going on?"

"You love her more than you love me, don't you? You're in love with her!"

"She's my sister!"

"You're in love with your sister? I can't believe you love her more than you love me!"

"Bella I'm not in love with Alice! Does anyone know what's going on?"

"Edward," Carlisle said, "I'm not a love doctor but I would suggest you eat the cookies."

"But Carlisle-"

"Oh are you in love with _him_ as well?"

"He's my _father!_"

"You're a si-"

"Edward just eat a cookie, already," Alice interrupted. "Here," she shoved one into his mouth. He cringed and gagged but managed to swallow the cookie. "No, I don't think that's proving your love for her. Here," she dumped the entire plate into this mouth. "Eat the whole plate." Edward promptly began choking and turned an interesting shade of greenish blue. Although how he managed this, no one knows. "Maybe some milk will help with those burnt cookies," Alice offered, appearing with the carton in her hands.

Edward gestured helplessly for her not to pour the milk into his mouth but of course she did it anyway. He clutched at his throat and fell to the ground. He writhed around for a moment before finally passing out.

Carlisle sighed. "Alice that really wasn't necessary. Now I'm going to have to pump his stomach. And Emmett might need a bit of medical care, Esme's hands are burned, Bella's lucky to be alive considering all the broken ribs she has, and Jasper . . . well, I think he's going to need something stronger than anything I can give him. And besides that the kitchen is completely destroyed."

About one hour and three bags of medical supplies later everyone was bandaged up and as good as new, or in my case, as good as it got. Alice went to go keep an eye on Jasper in their room, Emmett decided to go lie down and wait for Rosalie to come home from her latest shopping expedition and Carlisle and Esme had decided to spend a little quality time together, just sitting on the couch without any interruptions.

As for Edward and I, we ended up back in Edward's bed. He was unconscious but I knew it wouldn't last for long. I tried to stay awake but the medicine that Carlisle gave me was too much for me to fight. I drifted off into the peaceful land of my dreams.

CPOV

"Well, dear, I think I can honestly say that this has been the longest day of my life as a vampire." I kissed her on the cheek and wrapped my arm around her shoulders.

She settled her head on my shoulder and sighed. "Well look on the bright side, darling. I got to experience a unique human event and we get to remodel the kitchen now."

She smiled and I laughed. Perhaps things weren't as bad as they seemed. Tomorrow morning we would start fresh. I had left a note for Edward upstairs explaining Bella's latest outburst and from my calculations her cycle wouldn't last much longer. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and it was coming quickly. I just hoped we made it out before the entire house was in ruins and I had to hospitalize my entire family. I heard the front door slam.

"Hi," Rosalie sang. "I'm home. What the . . ." She appeared in front of us with giant bags swinging from her arms. "Carlisle? Esme? What on earth happened while I was gone?"

"It's a long story, Rose," Esme said. "If you would like to hear it we're going to need an hour or two to explain everything."

Rosalie sat down on the floor and crossed her legs. "I'm listening."

"Well I guess it all started to go downhill when Edward and Bella got home from their date . . ."


	9. We Go Shopping the French Way

**Hi again! Okay now after last time we updated, we had a lot of people point out the fact about vampires not getting hurt and not being able to pass out. Well for the purposes of our story they can pass out, because of something going on in the brain, okay? And they can be hurt by fire because, as I'm sure you know, these vampires can be destroyed by fire. Now as for getting bumps and all that jazz, our dearest Edward will explain all that in the first part of this chapter. I do believe that we will be wrapping this story up soon (sad) but I do believe we have another story in the wings. A little Halloween special (even though here its no where near Halloween). But please enjoy this latest chapter!**

**Disclaimer: We do not own the characters! They are (c) Stephenie Meyer! We just torture them.**

Week during – Final Part

Title: We Go Shopping the French Way

EPOV

I wasn't sure what had happened or how long Carlisle had kept me under but when I finally came to I was very confused. My chest was covered in bandages, which were signed by Emmett and Jasper, and I was sitting on my bed. I looked around and found a note on the bedside table. I instantly recognized Carlisle's handwriting.

_Edward,_ it said, _There are a few things I have to tell you. First: I drugged you. Now please understand that things were clearly not going well for you and I thought that rendering you unconscious would be the best idea. Second, due to everything Bella made you eat I had to pump your stomach. It was over pretty quickly and I tried to tell everyone that the bandages were _not _really necessary but Emmett insisted that-_

The handwriting changed abruptly and I recognized Emmett's messy scribbles. _Yo, Eddie, chicks dig bandages. I even convinced Carlisle to wrap a few around me so that Rose would give me a little "sympathy"._ I groaned and rolled my eyes.

The writing changed back to Carlisle's. _And Edward I want you to know that Esme explained the reason behind the cookies. Bella felt horrible about having tortured you so much. She didn't know what you would have to go through after eating all that food. She couldn't decide what to do to try and make it up to you so Esme asked her what she usually did. But when Bella said she usually made cookies, Esme was too excited about being able to bake to remind Bella that cookies would not be a good idea. And as for that whole little outburst at the end, I'm afraid that's my fault. The medicine I gave Bella to stop the pain actually raised her hormones and causes more dramatic mood swings and outbreaks. Also, I believe she was in shock because of everything that had happened. Please don't be angry with her._

I sighed and started to get up from the bed when I felt something press against my chest and heard a soft moan. I looked down and found Bella curled up next to me, resting her head on my shoulder. I was surprised, she was so light and so quiet I hadn't noticed she was there. I frowned at her; I was still a little annoyed. I was about to get up and storm out when she mumbled my name.

"Edward," she whispered, she shifted around a lot and said, "I'm sorry . . . so, so sorry . . ." she shifted around more and wouldn't stop until I put my arm around her shoulders. I sighed; I was a sucker for this little human girl who made me completely irrational. I kissed her forehead and rubbed her back while I waited for her to wake up. And a few minutes later her brown eyes slowly slid open and stared blearily in my direction. She blinked a few times and then things must have come into focus because she gasped, "Edward! I didn't think you'd be here. I'm so sorry about -"

"Bella," I said, "You don't have to worry, Carlisle explained-"

"But I saw you fall and you hit your head and there was a huge lump and you had to eat all that food and then I had a dream that I made you eat more cookies and that there was an operation and Emmett was yelling."

"Bella that wasn't a dream. That all happened."

"What?!" She shrieked. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! I should just leave right now. I'm no good here, I'm only causing trouble."

Now I got a little annoyed with her, "Bella you aren't going anywhere. Everything is fine here. Emmett was just a little annoyed because Alice saw him get thrown out the window and was teasing him that he got beat up by a human girl. I don't have a bump on my head, vampires don't get bumps. I think what you saw was a sock that someone had left on the floor that got stuck to my head when I slipped off the stairs."

"What about Esme," she asked quietly.

"Well Esme did burn her hands because as you know, fire is the only thing that can destroy vampires. But since it wasn't real fire it only hurt her a little. She's already healed by now. And no she doesn't blame you," I said, anticipating her next question. "She's calling it a unique 'human experience' or something."

Bella seemed to accept this for a minute. Then a new idea dawned on her. "The kitchen," she groaned, burying her face in her hands.

"Esme is looking forward to redecorating it."

"No," Bella protested, "I need to be punished for this. You can't let me get off so easy. I deserve to be punished and punished severely."

I raised one eyebrow, "Bella are you sure you want to do this?" She crossed her arms over her chest and nodded once. I sighed and mumbled, "You're going to regret this," but she chose to ignore me.

Talking only low enough for my family to hear I said, "Carlisle, Esme, Bella would like to be punished for her actions."

"She doesn't need to be punished! I'm more than happy with the way everything turned out," Esme's voice floated up to my ears.

"She insists," I replied, pegging Bella with an annoyed stare.

"What's going on?" She whispered.

I shook my head as Carlisle said, "If she insists on being punished she can clean up the foam and glass that's downstairs in the kitchen."  
I looked at Bella and then said, "Somehow I think that she will demand a more severe punishment."  
I heard Esme's voice float back up the stairs, "Alright, then we'll put her in Alice's hands."  
Esme had barely finished her sentence when Alice let out a high-pitched squeal. Bella clamped her hands over her ears and winced as Alice came bursting into the room. "I love you all!" She screamed as she scooped Bella into her arms and ran out the door. I didn't even blink. Once Alice had gone rushing out I smoothed my hair and sighed, pitying Bella for the torture she was no doubt about to endure at the hands of Alice.

BPOV  
I didn't know what was going on. I had figured out that Edward was talking to his family about me because if I concentrated I could see his lips moving just a little but try as I might I couldn't hear what they were saying. Then all of a sudden I heard Alice squeal and she burst into the room, gathered me into her arms while screaming something at vampire speed, something she does when she gets really excited, and raced me out the door. She threw me into the car and we throttled off towards the mall.  
Once we had jerked to a stop in a parking space I asked Alice, "What the heck is going on?"  
"Well, Bella," She started to say; at least I think that's what she said. I couldn't tell because she was talking at vampire speed. She must have noticed too because she took a deep breath and said, slower this time, "Since you insisted on being punished Carlisle and Esme are allowing you to clean up the kitchen."  
"Then why are we at the mall?"  
"Because Edward thought you would be demanding a more severe punishment. So they left you in my capable hands. And don't worry; once I'm through with you, you'll still be able to clean the kitchen. And you'll look adorable doing it." She smiled, attempting to reassure me, but something about the glint in her eyes told me that something horrible was going to happen to me soon.  
As it turns out, I was right. Apparently Alice thought she would be nice and ease me into her latest fashion project by starting with the accessories. But this had the opposite effect. I was now more worried because clearly she had planned out my outfit in excruciating detail. And the more I saw the accessories the more worried I became; I didn't know what the outfit was and my ideas were becoming progressively darker and more sinister.  
At first I wasn't worried. Tons of outfits could involve black knee-high socks. That wasn't too bad. I was a little suspicious about the white frilly waist-apron but I assumed that it would come in handy while I was cleaning. We stopped off at a cleaning store and Alice bought a few handy materials. She got me a handheld vacuum, a dustpan and broom, rubber gloves and an old-fashioned style feather duster. I was starting to get nervous when Alice bought the black headband with a white frilly guard that would stand straight up over my head. I was still willing to give Alice the benefit of the doubt, but when she bought the black guarder with white lace peaking out I drew the line.

"Alice what the heck is this for?"

She grinned at me, "Shh, Bella. It's a surprise. I'll show you when we're finished."

"No," I said. "You'll tell me now!"

"Nuh-uh! Don't worry; we're almost finished." Alice also bought me elbow-length black gloves with more bits of lace at the top. She finished off the accessories with a pair of black stiletto heels. I protested but Alice assured me, "Trust me, Bella, you'll have a lot more fun with these!" She finished up the outfit with a quick stop to the costume shop where she picked up the most ridiculous outfit I had ever seen and never expected to wear. A French maid's uniform. The dress itself was simple enough. A fluffy, frilly white strapless dress that only went to about my mid-thigh and a black skirt that was just a little bit shorter than the dress. I was so busy blushing I didn't notice her run off and snatch up one final scandalous accessory.

"Alice I'm never going to forgive you for this," I whined.

"Oh sure you will, Bella. And trust me, it will drive Edward crazy!" I crossed my arms over my chest and mumbled something about not wanting to make all the trips back to the stores again. "Atta girl!" Alice shouted.

We drove home with the backseat full of shopping bags of various sizes. We were just pulling into the driveway when I thought of a snag in Alice's little plan. "Wait, Alice, won't Edward already know about the outfit?"

"Nope," she grinned, "I've been thinking about various important documents, like the Constitution and the Bill of Rights all day. And I've been trying to recite them backwards. In Japanese." She grinned like the evil little pixie she was.

I sighed and shook my head. She ushered me inside and told me to get changed in the downstairs bathroom, shoving a ton of bags into my arms. "I'm going to make sure Edward stays upstairs. Rosalie, Carlisle and Esme are still in the living room. They want to see you before you start cleaning. I recommend you start things off by dusting." She grinned again and danced off.

I locked myself in the bathroom and dropped the bags. I took off my old clothes and laid them on the counter. I was wondering which bag to start with when I saw one that said "Start Here" in big black letters. I rolled my eyes and reached into the bag. What I pulled out horrified me. Alice had snuck off and bought me black underwear with white lace around the edges. Tiny black underwear with 'bad kitty' written across the back of it. I groaned but obediently slipped out of my old underwear and into this one. Next I slipped on the thigh-high solid black socks and found the clips that Alice had left that would keep the socks from slipping down my legs. Blushing all the while I pulled on the lacy guarder and left it high on my thigh. I pulled out the little white dress and found another note from Alice. If I was blushing before I was positively tomato-like now. Alice said that in order to avoid 'spoiling the outfit' with bra straps I was instructed not to wear a bra. Why couldn't I just wear a strapless one? I asked myself. And that's when I saw the second note.

"Because I couldn't find one to match the panties you're wearing. ~Alice."

I groaned and rolled my eyes. I would have to remember to kill Alice later. Grumbling all the while I slipped into the dress, which had a little 'built-in bra' like you see in camisoles. I pulled on the skirt next and then the gloves. I made a face as I secured the matching choker-style neckband. I didn't dare look in the mirror but realized I would have to in order to make sure my headband was on correctly. I crouched down behind the counter so that I could only see my head and straightened the headband. I grabbed the old feather duster and set out to face my doom.

Now some people might call this poor thinking on my part. I would agree with them. By now I should have been expecting the blinding flash of Rosalie's camera. But of course, I wasn't. So when Rosalie snapped my picture the second I walked in I screamed. I spun around and crashed into Emmett who had come rushing into the room when I screamed. I bounced off of his chest and landed on the floor. "Ow," I whined.

"Whoa," Emmett whistled.

I looked down at myself and realized, not only was I wearing a French maid's uniform in front of Emmett, but when I had landed my legs were split open and he could see up my tiny skirt.

I screamed again and jammed by legs together, trying to pull my skirt down farther over my legs.

By now my blush had spread to the top of my head and my ears as well as my neck. "Emmett you pervert!"

"Don't worry, Bella," Rosalie said. "I've got it covered. Esme hold my camera." Esme caught the camera with ease and began snapping photos as Rosalie grabbed Emmett's ear, twisted it, and flipped him with one hand, putting her foot on his chest. "Don't try to look up Bella's skirt again. No games for a week as of right now, and if you do anything perverted again I'll make it a year." Emmett gasped and started whimpering, promising Rosalie that he would be a good little vampire for as long as I was around. That time Esme got a video.

I had to admit, it was pretty funny. Once I had finished laughing I decided to get to work. The sooner I started the sooner I could finish and get out of this crazy outfit. But before I could start cleaning Alice came running down the stairs and appeared next to me. "Bella before you get to work you don't you think you should explain yourself like I taught you?" She was giving me a look and wiggling her eyebrows. I remembered the little skit she taught me and groaned.

"Alice do I-"

But then she interrupted me screaming, "Ow!" Her voice was a scarily accurate impression of mine. For a moment I thought that I had yelled and not her. "There's glass in my finger! Ow! Edward help me, it hurts!"

"No, Alice I know it's you." Edward shouted from downstairs.

I was so mesmerized by Alice's imitation of my voice that I didn't notice when she stuck a small shard of glass into my finger. I wailed in pain and begged Edward to come help me, now sincerely wanting his help. Alice must have seen Edward cave because she quickly began moving me around and forcing me into a pose. Thankfully it wasn't an explicit pose. She had me kneel down on the floor and then sit back onto my heels. I leaned gently forward and she placed my good hand on the floor in front of my knees while I held the hand with the glass shard aloft. Alice went to stand beside Rosalie and watch from the couch with the rest of the family as if this was a TV drama. Edward peeked downstairs and glanced warily at me. After finding me close to tears with a piece of glass in my hand, he decided to come help me.

For whatever reason Edward didn't notice my choice of clothing until he was kneeling in front of me. When he did he raised an eyebrow and asked, "Bella? What are you wearing?"

Not ready to answer yet I held my hand up for his inspection and said quietly, "Please take it out, it hurts." Edward momentarily forgot my outfit and focused on pulling out the glass. I barely felt the pinch when he pulled it out. Bringing up finger up he kissed the little wound and started to unwrap a band-aid. "Where did you get that?" I asked as he wrapped it around my finger.

"With a girlfriend like you, you learn quickly to always keep a few medical supplies on hand." He smiled. "Now why are you dressed like that?"

I blushed but obediently went into my little skit. I walked over to the couch and said, "To apologize it would be my honor to clean up the mess I caused." I bowed and then turned to leave. I didn't look at Edward as I passed and as it turns out I would pay dearly for it.

When I passed I felt Edward flick the back of my skirt up and, as luck would have it, the entire thing flashed up thanks to the wire band around the bottom. I screamed, Emmett laughed and Edward said, "My, my Bella, what a naughty little kitty you are." Rosalie's camera flashed a few times and more snickers broke out.

With my face now an attractive cherry red I slapped Edward in the face and, after pushing down my skirt stormed into the kitchen and began cleaning up. But as I was cleaning up I realized I shouldn't be embarrassed. I should be furious with Edward! Soon enough tears began building in my eyes and my rage swelled. I threw down my vacuum and tore off the little headband. I untied the apron from around my waist and began balling it up.

I stormed into the living room where everyone was still sitting and I screamed, "You want naughty, Edward? Go look in a mirror! You can keep this stupid outfit but I'm going home!" I threw my apron in his shocked face and I stormed out, grabbing my keys from the hanger on the wall before running out to my truck. I opened the door and gunned the engine, flying out of the Cullen's driveway and nearly hitting several trees as I went. I didn't want to go home so I drove around for a few minutes, trying to find somewhere he where he couldn't find me. Finally I stopped at the convenience store in town. There was a big blood drive van out front and I figured I would be safe from Edward there, especially if I parked out of view.

I was so busy trying to get away from Edward that I didn't notice who was sitting in my backseat until they sat up and said my name.

I spun around and caught side of Jasper smiling creepily at me. I screamed. "Alice!" I started yelling. I flung open my door, still screaming, and tried to leap out, unfortunately I was still wearing my maid's uniform and those stupid stiletto heels. My heel got stuck on the floor mat and I went tumbling into empty space. I squeezed my eyes shut and prepared for impact. But the impact didn't come. When I opened my eyes I caught sight of Edward trying not to laugh.

"Hello, Bella love," he said. I glared at him.

"Aw, man! I got that on video," Emmett boomed. "Look Edward!" Emmett rushed over and proceeded to replay the clip over and over again, his laugh getting a little louder every time I screamed. "It's even better in slow-mo!" And he proceeded to replay the clip super slowly watching my every flail and listening to my drawn-out scream. Finally it was too much for Edward. He stumbled backwards and landed flat on his butt laughing hysterically. He didn't stop laughing even when I landed on his chest, forcing the air out of his lungs.

Meanwhile Alice was pulling Jasper out of the backseat by his ear and giving him a long lecture. A moment later Rosalie was dragging Emmett away and I saw Carlisle and Esme standing at the edge of the parking lot. I tried to stand up and walk over to them, to apologize again for causing more trouble. But as soon as I stood up I had to sit back down again. My ankle was killing me from when I fell.

"Ow," I winced. That sobered Edward up instantly. He was looking me in the eyes before I could blink and asking what was wrong. "I think I sprained my ankle," I said quietly.

In one fluid movement Edward stood up and was cradling me in his arms. "Let's go get you fixed up again, Bella."

I could almost feel my hormones spike. I made a face. "Right, because the poor little human always needs saving."

"What?" Edward asked, thoroughly bewildered.

"You think you're so much better than me. Just like you think your beautiful and strong and, and . . . wait a minute. You _are_ beautiful and strong and . . . DAMMIT, EDWARD. WHY ARE YOU SO PERFECT?" I pouted and Edward laughed and carried me into the store, careful to keep my skirt as close to my body as possible to avoid flashing all the people inside. Unfortunately as soon as we stepped inside I saw the one person that I did not want to see. "Edward," I whispered. "Turn around, now!" But it was too late.

"Bella?" I flinched and squeezed my eyes shut as my name was said. I slowly opened them and smiled weakly.

"Hey Dad."

Charlie gawked back at us. "Bella, why is _he_ holding you like that and why are _you_ dressed like _THAT?!_"

"Listen, Dad, there's a reasonable explanation for-"

"Charlie! How nice to see you. I didn't expect to see you here."

"Alice? What are – oh no. You too?"

I looked over Edward shoulder and gaped at Alice, Rosalie and even Esme. All of whom stood in the doorway of the store all dressed in maid's outfits similar to mine. The dresses were all the same but there were a few small details that separated them. Rosalie's stockings were fishnets instead of solid black like mine. Alice had knee-high black socks but hers were mostly see-through. Esme's were knee-high and white with a puff of black lace at the top. All three girls wore stiletto heels and the same little headbands and neckbands I was wearing. Rosalie was wearing fingerless lace gloves that went up to her elbows. Alice had no gloves but did have the frilly armbands. Esme was wearing white wrist-length gloves with a little black netting at the edge. Behind them appeared Carlisle, Jasper and Emmett, each standing behind their respective wives. Each of them was wearing a tuxedo.

"Hello, Charlie," Carlisle said, smooth as always. "So nice to see you again."

"How've you been, Charlie?" Esme asked in her sweetest voice, looking completely natural in her maid's uniform.

"What? Oh, fine, I've been . . . I've been fine. Why are you all dressed like that?" Charlie kept his glare fixed onto Edward, attempting to stare him down.

"Hospital benefit," Carlisle said.

"I wanted help cleaning the house," Esme offered.

"There was a sale at the costume store," Rosalie said.

"Just trying on some old Halloween costumes," Alice said.

"I asked them to do it," Jasper boasted.

"It was a dare," I said hurriedly.

"Hello, Charlie, sir. Nice day today isn't it? I take it you don't have work. Did you hear about the baseball game today?" Edward said, not bothering to make an excuse.

Charlie ignored all the excuses and kept on glaring at Edward. It wasn't until Emmett yelled, "I've got it!" did Charlie take his eyes off of Edward. "You see, Charlie," Emmett explained. "We had a little gamble about a football game,"

"You were betting even though you're underage?"

"No, no, no! You see it was during halftime and Rosalie had just torn off her uniform,"

This time Charlie turned to Rosalie. "You were stripping?"

"No, no, no!" Emmett interrupted again. "See it was all going well but then when it was Bella's turn she ended up flashing us all, and,"

"Why weren't you wearing clothes, young lady?"

"Dad, I-"

"No, no, no!" Emmett was getting frantic now. "You've got it all wrong! See, we lost and then Alice and Bella went out shopping. And when they came back Bella had on this skimpy little, leopard print,"

"Bella! Explain yourself this instant!"

"But Charlie you don't understand!" Emmett was now screaming and waving his arms around his head. "There was a fire, and the cookies burned, and there was glass everywhere! I almost _died!_"

"A fire?!" Charlie's face was beginning to turn purple, something that happened when he was really angry.

"I'm sorry," Emmett bellowed with the frantic hysteria of a mental patient. "I didn't mean to look up Bella's skirt! I shouldn't have laughed when she was being such a bad little kitty cat!" Finally Rosalie slapped a hand over Emmett's mouth, effectively stopping his rant.

"I'm sorry, Charlie," Esme said, pouring on the sweetness. "You see, we were having a little family football game. Alice went a little overboard with the outfits. She bought us football uniforms and a few cheerleader outfits. Rosalie had a different outfit on underneath her cheer clothes. So for her part of the performance she changed clothes. We got Bella to do a little flip which exposed her cheer shorts. We were all wearing a pair. And when the girls won Alice and Bella went out shopping for a new outfit. Bella was wearing a black dress, very cute, and conservative."

Esme took out a camera from one of the pockets in her apron. She walked over to Charlie and showed him a picture of me in the dress. (I don't know when she managed to take it but it was perfect). I was wearing the dress but in the picture it looked like it went to my knees and didn't dip down very low. The only leopard accessory you could see was the belt. Not even Charlie could find something to object to.

"Well after all that we felt bad for the boys so we tried to bake them some cookies. But I'm afraid I haven't baked in so long that I just got in the way. The cookies burned and started a little fire and I accidentally dropped the mixing bowl. Unfortunately Emmett tried to eat one of our cookies, that's why he said he almost died. As for looking up Bella's skirt, when Bella slipped out of her truck just now Emmett accidentally looked up her skirt. I don't know what 'bad little kitty cat' he's talking about."

Charlie thought this over for a moment. "But then why are you dressed like that?

"I'll field that one," Jasper said, stepping forward. I was worried but I figured that if Alice foresaw a disaster she would have stopped him so I tried to relax and act like I knew what was going on. "You see, we were so upset we lost at football that we challenged the girls to a rematch. So this time, we won. And as a little bit of payback we picked the first outfit we found in a costume catalog and the girls had to wear it all day. We happened to land upon the maid's uniform."

Charlie looked like he didn't approve of their decision but he accepted it. "Why are you guys in suits, then?"

"Well we wouldn't be very good gentlemen if we weren't dressed properly when escorting our ladies, would we?" Carlisle said, brushing an imaginary piece of lint off his coat.

"Well Charlie," Alice said, taking Jasper's hand. "We'd love to stay and chat but we have a few things we need to take care of."

"Oh, alright. Good seeing you all." He glared at Edward again before saying, "Bella, you can call me any time. Don't let _him_ force you into anything you don't want to do."

"Now, Charlie, I have raised Edward to be a perfect gentleman," Carlisle objected.

"Yeah," Emmett added, "Why do you think he's been single for the last hundred years?" Rosalie kneed Emmett from behind. Instantly he shut up.

"That's enough mockery from you, Emmett." Rosalie said, grabbing Emmett's ear again. "Sorry, Charlie but he's been mocking Edward all day and its time we did something about it. We'll see you later okay?" And with that Rosalie pulled him out the door.

"We had better keep an eye on them," Alice said. "Goodbye Charlie." Alice and Jasper walked outside and Carlisle and Esme went off to look at cleaning supplies. Edward said a polite goodbye and then carried me over to the medical supplies aisle to buy me a foot brace. On our way we found Esme in her own personal heaven.

An entire wall was filled with different brands, scents and styles of air fresheners. Esme's eyes were twinkling at the millions of possibilities. "Carlisle, get a cart."

"But Esme, darling," Carlisle tried to protest.

"Get. A. Cart. Carlisle." Esme said without turning away from the wall. Carlisle sighed and went off to find a cart.

"A cat," I said, slapping my forehead. "Why didn't we think of that before? We could have avoided a full two-minutes of Charlie-glaring!"

"Oh, I thought of it, but this was more fun," Edward stated, grinning.

I groaned. "Well go get one, now."

"No need, Bella!" Alice went zooming by in a cart propelled by Jasper, quickly followed by Rosalie pushing an empty cart and then Emmett attempting to propel himself with a mop. I was suddenly very thankful this was a large store.

Carlisle showed up a moment later with a cart and promptly swept Esme into his arms. She giggled like a schoolgirl and kissed him. Carlisle was smiling broadly as he set Esme inside the cart. Alice wheeled up beside them, quickly followed by Emmett who was now pushed by Rosalie, who had confiscated his mop. Edward set me inside the empty cart, setting me down carefully to avoid putting pressure on my ankle.

"I suggest we have a race," Alice declared.

Emmett enthusiastically agreed. Carlisle turned to Esme, "What do you say, dear?" Esme nodded happily and Carlisle said, "We're in."

Edward didn't even have to look at me to know I was interested. "Us, too." He simply replied.

Alice grinned broadly, having already expected this and planned accordingly. "Each group has a specific list of items they need to get, and don't worry each list is fair, they don't all have the same items but they're in the same general places. And to be fair we can only move at human speed. First one to reach the register with all the correct items wins!" Jasper handed out lists to Emmett, Esme and me before taking his place at the head of Alice's cart.

"On your mark," Jasper said.

"Get set," Rosalie whispered.

"Go!" I screamed. And suddenly we took off flying out of the aisle only to have Edward swerve down the next one.

"What's on our list?" He asked, breathlessly.

I pointed down the aisle at the bottles of dish detergent. "Right there!" Edward rushed down and grabbed a bottle, throwing it dangerously into the cart.

Down a couple of aisles I heard a crash and Rosalie yell, "Emmett you idiot!"

Edward laughed. "Emmett just knocked over a display of air fresheners." Just then Jasper came hurtling down the aisle and crashed into our cart, sending me flying down the aisle and towards a wall of soap in pointy little boxes. I screamed but lucky didn't crash because Edward came to my rescue as always. After a mild curse sent in Jasper's direction we were off again, sailing through the store, grabbing items off shelves and sneaking in a few attacks. At one point we ran past the cash register and past a very startled looking Mike, who apparently was working there.

"Bella?" He gasped as we raced by. Edward cackled menacingly. And I laughed at Mike's shocked face.

We ended up having to rush from one end of the store to the other three times before we finally had gotten everything on the list. We were racing to get back to the register when we saw Rosalie and Emmett emerge a few aisles away. Edward and Rosalie glared at each other and so did Emmett and I. I armed myself with a broom and covered my chest with a few packages of paper towels. Emmett armed himself with nothing but a mop. With a fierce battle cry we were launched at each other. I thrust my mop out and hit Emmett square in the chest. He went toppling backwards as our carts collided and crashed into Rosalie. That gave us just enough time to sneak in ahead of them and make it to the counter. We practically threw everything on and then I jumped up in our cart, on one foot, and cheered.

"We did it!" I yelled, before promptly falling out the cart and into Edward's waiting arms. Mike just stared at us. "What?" I asked. "Haven't you ever seen a French maid participate in a shopping cart joust?"

Mike just opened and closed his jaw a few times and then decided to start scanning out stuff. Mike finally finished and put our bags back into the cart and we paid him and then left. When we got into the parking lot we discovered Esme and Carlisle sitting on the hood of their car. Carlisle had his arm around Esme's shoulders and he was smiling broadly. In front of them sat a pile of groceries.

"We win," Carlisle stated matter-of-factly.

We groaned. "How did you do that?" I asked.

They shrugged. A moment later Alice and Jasper came wandering out of the store, Alice was already pouting and Jasper had his arm wrapped around her shoulders. Even in her stiletto heels Alice barely reached Jasper's chin. Just after them came a frantic Rosalie and Emmett, both of whom were very disappointed to see they lost the race.

"It's all you fault, Emmett. You shouldn't have kept knocking over all the jars. I _told_ you that everyone was ahead of us. But did you listen to me? Noooooooooooooooo." Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Well let's just go home. Who won by the way?"

"We did," Carlisle announced proudly, giving Esme's shoulders a squeeze. "And because we won, we get to decide what the loser's punishment is." Rosalie's and Emmett's jaws dropped.

"You're kidding," Rosalie said. "Please tell me you're kidding!"

Esme, Alice and Edward all shook their heads.

"Rosalie, you're first." Esme tried to look menacing, something that was completely out of place on her heart-shaped and motherly face. "You have to delete all the pictures, _and videos_ that you've taken of Bella this week. Except of course if she would like to keep _a single copy_ for herself."

Rosalie began pouting, crossing her arms over her chest and making a face. Emmett wrapped his arm around her waist and kissed her cheek in an effort to comfort her. Thankfully for Emmett, he didn't bother to point out how cute he thought Rosalie looked when she pouted. "Don't worry, baby," he cooed, "Those memories will last forever, even if we don't have the photo proof."

"Don't get too comfortable, Emmett, you're punishment is yet to come."

Emmett's face fell.

"Emmett, for your punishment, Rosalie is no longer allowed to wear her maid's uniform and must change out of it immediately."

Emmett dropped to his knees with an ear-splitting "No!" He sobbed quietly and then thought to start begging. "Please," he said, miserably, "Please, not that! Anything but that!"

"Let me finish," Esme said, sternly. "After she changes out of the maid's uniform-"

"She'll change into a cat-woman uniform?" Emmett asked, hopefully.

"No. Instead _you_ will be wearing the uniform."

Emmett just stared at Esme for a second. "I'm sorry what was the first option?"

"No options, no choices. You _will_ be wearing the maid's uniform and Rosalie _will not_."

By now Rosalie had also started complaining, no one wanted to see Emmett in a frilly little dress and heels. Especially not Edward and Rosalie. But Esme would not budge. She refused to change her mind or compromise. Eventually they gave in. Rosalie gave me her camera and on the way home I deleted all the pictures . . . well, _almost_ all of them.

I had Edward stop by the little arts and crafts store in town. At first I was going to hide my master plan from him but I was forced to give in, partially because he was the only one who had money and partially because I hated trying to keep secrets from him. While Edward bought some scrapbooks and blank DVDs, I was busy printing out some pictures from Rosalie's camera.

By the time we got home Rosalie had already changed, now she was wearing deep blue jeans, bright pink pumps and a matching pink v-neck sweater. She was grimacing and was waiting on the porch.

"Is Emmett inside," I asked.

"Yup," Rosalie grimaced.

"Has he . . .?"

"Oh yeah," Rosalie said.

I exchanged looks with Edward and then charged into the house, camera first. I was glad I did. Emmett was bent over dusting Edward's piano. I instantly began snapping photos and Emmett was my ever-willing model. I was in hysterics by the time Esme told Emmett to get back to work. I could tell she wasn't happy that Emmett was enjoying his punishment but even she couldn't deny the hilarity of seeing Emmett in a maid's uniform. We didn't get anything done on the surprise that day but when I went to sleep that night, curled up in Edward's arms, just where I love being, I was beyond satisfied and happy.


	10. The Cameraman and the Obese Walrus

**Yes, it's true. We've finally come to a close. This will be this story's last official chapter. We would like to thank everyone who has supported us through this. We had a lot of fun writing this story and have two planned on the horizon. This is the last chapter but that doesn't mean it's less crazy than the others. Okay so maybe it is less crazy, but we go out with a bang! Or a keel. . .but that's besides the point! Anyway, to everyone who has enjoyed this story, please continue to enjoy our final chapter. Thanks everyone!~**

**All characters are (c) Stephenie Meyer**

Week after – Final Chapter

Title: The Cameraman and the Obese Walrus

BPOV

The next morning I was just starting to wake up when the war started. I was barely awake, enough to realize that the house was quiet and know I was in Edward's bed, but still far enough asleep that I didn't know much of anything else except that I was cuddling something in my arms. I sighed and snuggled closer to whatever it was. And then I heard the _click_ and winced as the light hit my eyelids. I moved the thing in my arms over my face and grumbled, "Go away, camera person."

I heard Edward chuckle and realized he wasn't lying next to me. With a groan I planted my hands in front of me and pushed myself off the bed. I glared around the room until my eyes focused on Edward standing with his hands holding something behind his back.

"Give me the camera, Edward, _or else_." I didn't know what the '_or else_' was but I prayed that Edward wouldn't try to press his luck.

Unfortunately, my bad luck was already active, even first thing in the morning. "Or else, what?" Edward asked, coolly.

"Or else . . ." I tried to think of something quickly and failed. Then I noticed the little vampire teddy bear who I had been cuddling in my sleep. "Or else _this_," I said, launching the bear at his head. Edward snapped an action shot before dodging easily.

He laughed again and said, "Well good morning to you, too."

"Edward, I thought the pictures were only supposed to be of the crazy things that have happened this week. I know you guys don't sleep but I highly doubt that your family would consider that crazy or hilarious."

Edward set the camera down on a little table. "I'm sorry, Bella love, but you just looked so cute when you were sleeping." He sat down next to me and took my hands in his own. "Do you forgive me?"

I didn't even have to look in his topaz eyes, which were smoldering away, to forgive him. "Of course, Edward," I said, leaning in and kissing him. It was a nice kiss; that is it _was_ nice until the blinding flash hit me again. I felt Edward smiling and I scowled. He must have set the camera onto a timer and set it up so it caught a picture of us kissing.

I shot up from the bed and tried to find words that would express my annoyance with Edward. He just sat on the edge of his bed watching me with a cool expression. I screamed wordlessly and threw up my hands in exasperation. I threw open his door and stormed down the stairs and into the kitchen for breakfast.

I heard someone ask what was going on and Alice reply, "Nothing, Bella's up, that's all." She appeared in the kitchen a moment later holding a plate and sitting on the counter next to a shiny new toaster. A few seconds later two waffles popped out and Alice set them on the plate and handed them to me.

"Thanks," I grumbled. I plopped down at the table and started pouring syrup angrily over my waffles. As I did so I glared at Alice, who smiled cheerily back at me. I took a big bite of waffle. "You were in on this weren't you?" I grumbled at her, not caring about talking with my mouth full.

Alice decided to ignore my poor table manners as she said, "Bella you should know better than to try and hide anything from me. By the way, cute nightgown."

"Nightgown?" I glanced down at myself and discovered I was wearing a little pink satin nightgown with loose sleeves that hung to my elbows. On the front was a little chibi-style vampire who was happily biting a heart and saying how much he loved to suck my blood. I squealed and squirmed out of my chair, as if I could get farther away from the thing. "Alice did you do this?"

"Nope," she answered honestly. "Scout's honor."

"You're not a scout."

She smiled and stuck her tongue out at me.

I wandered into the living room where everyone but Edward was settled. "Did any of you put me in this?"

They all looked up, and all of them answered with a chorus of "no". I was beginning to get worried. I fisted bits of the silky material and spoke very slowly, "Whose nightgown is this and who dressed me in this _ridiculous outfit?!_" I was screaming by the end of the sentence. When none of the Cullens had an answer I got ready to scream again. And then it dawned on me. I started growling and picked up the closest and heaviest thing I could carry, unfortunately it was only one of Rosalie's fashion magazines. Fortunately, it was extra thick, even thicker when I rolled it up. I smacked it against my hand a few times and then took off up the stairs.

I heard someone yell, "No, no! Bella, Bella, Bella!" I rushed up the stairs and heard the thump as someone landed on the stairs after a failed attempt to tackle me. I burst into Edward's room and promptly entered a new photo shoot. Edward caught a picture of me carrying the magazine. Then he set the camera on a table and began dodging my attacks. Every so often the camera would flash and catch a picture of me. After a few minutes of chasing him around the small room, Edward apparently gave up and let me beat him mercilessly with the magazine for a good, long minute.

When I stopped he sat up and glared at me out of the corner of his eye. "Mind telling me what that was about?"

I pinched the nightgown and waved it around. "Why did you put me in this?"

"Well you fell asleep last night in your maid uniform and I wanted you to be comfortable."

"So why didn't you use my regular pajamas?"

"They were all in the wash."

I blushed and grumbled, "So why'd you have to use this?"

"That was Esme's idea. Back after we had started dating and you visited our house Esme decided that we were perfect for each other. Then when she was at the mall one day she saw this little nightgown and couldn't resist buying it for you." I groaned. "And," Edward added, "She bought the matching slippers." He fished out a pair of plush vampire-shaped slippers from under his bed.

I tried not to laugh but couldn't resist chuckling at the cute little things. Slipping my feet into them I decided to change the subject. "Do you have the scrapbooks?"

"Right here," he said, the two books appearing in his lap, balanced on top were a few packages of photos.

"Great," I said. "I'll start putting the pictures in and you keep taking pictures. Make sure to get lots of Emmett and catch anything you think is funny. Oh and get some cute pictures, too. Anything memorable that's happened this week."

I opened a book in front of myself and started putting in the photos. I pretended to ignore the flash of Edward taking my picture but I still growled, "Not me, _Eddie_!"

Edward growled and stuck his tongue out at me before wandering off to take more candid photos.

EPOV

After Bella sent me off on my little quest I decided to check in on Emmett, who was supposed to be cleaning the house in his maid's uniform. This was supposed to be torture for him but instead it was torture for _us._ No one wanted repeated views up Emmett's skirt. Even Rosalie was tired of watching Emmett struggle around in heels and constantly fall over when he tried to pick something up. He caught me standing in the doorway with my camera.

"A camera! Oh, Eddie you dirty boy," he said in a ridiculously high voice. "This is no time for photos. Okay maybe just one." Emmett immediately began posing in hundreds of bizarre poses with countless different expressions. I decided to humor him and snapped up crazy photo after crazy photo.

"You're such a ham," I said, after the 50th photo.

"Ham? Oh my, no thank you. I'm trying to watch my figure." Emmett pretended to examine his body, running his hand up and down over his torso.

"Emmett would you cut that out? You too Edward, you're only encouraging him. He's supposed to be working!" Rosalie stood up and planted her hands on her hips. "This is supposed to be a punishment, not a chance for some perverted cross-dressing!"

"Aw, come on, baby," Emmett said, using his real voice again. "We're just having a little fun. And the house is already clean."

"That's no excuse! If you need things to clean, I'll make a mess for you, but you're punishment isn't over yet!" Rosalie marched over to Emmett's game closet and pulled out a baseball bat.

"Rosalie!" Esme yelled. "No dirtying my house!"

Rosalie hung her head and murmured, "Yes, Esme." Then an evil glint crept into her eyes. "Esme, may I use this bat on Emmett instead? Consider it an exchange of punishments. He has nothing to clean, so I get to beat him with a baseball bat."

"I think that's a great idea," I piped up. "Serves him right for . . . he must have done something recently . . ." I looked around; everyone else was trying to come up with a reason to beat up Emmett. Suddenly, I had an idea. "Bella love? Could you come down here for a moment?"

Quickly I rushed over to Emmett and had him bend over so that his underwear could be seen peeking out from under his skirt.

Bella appeared in the doorway. "Yes, Edwa-AHH! MY EYES!" She dramatically pretended to claw at her eyes and spun away from the living room. I rushed over and kissed her on the cheek.

"Thank you, love." She winked and headed back upstairs.

Rosalie began advancing with her baseball bat. I moved around to get a better vantage point. I wanted the pictures and videos to be at the best angle possible. When Rose started beating Emmett to a pulp with the bat I snapped hundreds of photos and circled around them like a shark circling his prey. But it was not to last, Emmett's self-preservation instincts soon kicked in and he took off for somewhere safer. Unfortunately for him, everyone else had claimed weapons as well, Alice had a magazine rolled up, Jasper had a book, Esme had a fly swatter, and Carlisle, unwilling to bring pain to anyone, had picked up a video camera and began filming everything so that I could concentrate on photos.

"Ah! Help me Bella! You're the only one who can save me!" Emmett yelled, running up the stairs now.

"Quiet down, would you? You're not screaming from the rooftops, your inside. Use your inside voice," Bella said in a patronizing tone.

"That's it!" Emmett yelled, still using his "outside voice". He raced through my room, leaping over Bella and shot out the window and up to the roof.

We all stared dumbfounded for a moment before someone screamed, "After him!" We all took off down the stairs and ran outside. Emmett was standing on the roof, trying to balance in his heels and laughing down at all of us. I snapped a few more pictures, trying to avoid the up-the-skirt angle.

"You'll never get me up here!" Emmett laughed hysterically, I thought he had finally cracked, which surprised me. I always figured Jasper would go first. "And since none of you can stop me, I'm free to do whatever I want!" Emmett continued laughing and pulled a small remote out of the bodice of his dress. He pressed a button and "_I'm Too Sexy_" started to play out of one of the stereos in the house. Once again I was thankful that we lived in the middle of the woods, away from neighbors who would call the police when they saw a man dancing on the roof of the house in a maid's uniform. Thankfully I only had to worry about Bella catching Emmett's performance.

I was still snapping pictures when Bella appeared on the porch. "What's going on," she asked. "Is someone stripping?"

We all yelled, "No!" But it was too late. Emmett heard the s-word and went wild. Carlisle kept the camera trained on Emmett. This was something we would want to keep for a while, if not for entertainment, then for blackmail. First Emmett ripped off his apron with flashy movements and started to strut up and down the imaginary catwalk with exaggerated movements. Then he kicked off his heels one by one, sending them flying across the roof and into the side yard somewhere. He tore off his headband and threw it away as he danced over to the weather vane and began twisting and twirling around it. He secured one leg around the vane and hung upside down, staring at us all as he slowly began to pull one of his socks down his thigh. He threw it down to his "audience" and then pulled the second sock off. In a surprisingly elegant, twirling maneuver, he slid off the vane and danced back to what he considered "center stage". Then he lay down and lifted his leg in the air, slowly sliding the guarder down his leg. When he had freed it he held it in his teeth and fired it at Rosalie, who ducked.

"Edward," Bella whispered cautiously, "What's going on?"

"Don't worry, love. Emmett's snapped, that's all."

"Oh ok. Well make sure you get plenty of pictures, this will be perfect for the second album." I smiled and kissed Bella, still snapping pictures. I frowned as Emmett's thoughts hit my head. "Bella you might want to look away. It's almost time for Emmett's 'big finish' and I don't think you're going to like it." Bella turned her back to Emmett and snuggled into my chest, wrapping her arms around me and resting her cheek on my shoulder.

I kept snapping pictures as Emmett yanked the dress over his head and began twirling it over his head, swaying his hips in a small, neat circle. He was wearing black underwear with "maid" scrawled across the back in fake lace.

I shuddered and tried to avoid looking at Emmett but still snapped some photos. Meanwhile Esme was screaming, "Emmett! That is vulgar, young man! Stop that this _instant_!" Whenever Esme got really angry she started to talk in old English. And she was way past angry at this point. Somehow I don't think that having her son strip dancing on the roof of her house was how she wanted to end her week.

After everyone was thoroughly disgusted with Emmett I turned to Bella. "Well, love, whose tranquilizer gun should we use? Yours or mine?"

Alice appeared next to us with a long black box. "Mine!" She yelled. In an instant she ripped the cover off the box and pulled out a long gun filled with tranquilizer darts, with enough power to knock out an obese walrus. In a smooth, fluid motion, Alice aimed and fired. Emmett stopped dancing, wobbled and then promptly crashed off the roof, landing with a soft boom and producing a nice breeze for us. Unlike his dance, his landing was far from graceful and it looked a bit like . . . well, an obese walrus falling off a roof after being hit with a tranquilizer dart.

Rosalie sighed, "Do I have to take him inside? He makes one heck of a lawn ornament."

"No," I said, "the sooner you bring him inside, the sooner we can stop feeling awkward about how little he's wearing."

Reluctantly Rosalie took Emmett's ankle and dragged him inside and back into their room, where he was presumably being dressed.

We all headed back inside and Bella and I went to the computer in the living room to upload the pictures. Carlisle uploaded the videos to the computer in his office and then, with Alice's help, edited them and posted them on YouTube for the world to see.

I printed out a ton of pictures for Bella and we headed upstairs to finish the scrapbooks that she had hidden under my bed.

"I'll get the books, Bella, and you get the tape and pens so that we can write in some captions."

"Alright," she said, rummaging through the things on my shelves to find tape and pens.

I found the books easily but when my hand brushed against something slightly wet I froze. I felt around a little more and discovered a whole pile of clothes with slightly damp spots or dry, stiff spots. I grabbed a fistful and pulled it out from under the bed. They were Bella's clothes . . . and they all had dark, wet red or dry, brown-ish red stains on them. "Bella," I said, trying to control my emotions, "What is this?"

"They're clothes, Edward."

"But why are they all stained?" She didn't respond. "Bella? How much blood have you lost this past week?"

"Edward it's nothing to worry about. This is all normal and-"

"Normal?!" I couldn't control my anger any longer, "NORMAL?! I'm not letting you out of my sight for the rest of the week! If I don't keep track of you then you're going to kill yourself!"

She tried to protest but I wouldn't have any of it. I scooped her up easily and sat her on my bed. "Don't move from that bed." I sat down in a chair in front of her and stared at her for a minute.

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Well, if you won't let me leave you can at least let me work on the photos."

"Fine," I said. "I'll put the photos in and you can write the captions."

And so we started working and for once nothing went wrong. I stuck the photos in, smiling at some of the memories and Bella would write in little captions, details about what we were doing in the picture or what we went on to do, and every now and again she put in a witty phrase. At one point she came across a photo of Jasper. He was turned to side and was stretching up into the air.

Bella laughed, "Look at Jasper! He looks like an anorexic giraffe!"

I had to laugh at the absurdity of her statement and I held up a picture of Emmett just as he was getting hit with the tranquilizer dart. "And he looks like an obese walrus!"

She leaned in and looked closely before laughing again. "You're right, he does!" We had laughed for a while but then gotten back to work. By the end of the night we had finished both of the photo books and I had wrapped both of them, labeling one for Esme and my family, and one for someone else.

BPOV

I had to admit it was nice not having to hide anything and being free to air my dirty laundry, literally. He had stumbled upon my hidden stash of stained clothes I was too embarrassed to bring to Esme. Of course I hadn't thought that Edward was serious about me having to sit on his bed for the rest of the week. But then when it came to things like this, Edward had no sense of humor. We had finished up Tuesday night with the photo books, but Edward intended to keep me in the same spot until Sunday.

I had woken up on Wednesday morning and tried to go to the bathroom but Edward had been sitting and waiting and refused to let me go. "You're not leaving my sight and I mean it." Of course he had caved two minutes later and reluctantly let me go because of my "poor, weak human nature". I quickly gave up trying to talk to Edward or get him to let me read or play a game. So I took up glaring at him.

No one was supposed to visit us, I don't know why. Perhaps Edward was trying to torture my period away. Bore it so that it would never return. Of course he had been helpless to stop Alice from coming and taking pictures.

"Day one," she declared, "Bella glares angrily at Edward." She snapped a picture. "Day two, Bella tries to throw daggers with her eyes at Edward." Another picture. "Day three, Bella tries to punch Edward." Yet another picture. "Day four, Bella and Edward play checkers." She snapped our picture again just as Edward jumped over five of my pieces. "Day five, Bella tries laying upside-down to see if she can kill Edward that way. She can't." Alice smiled broadly as she snapped one final picture.

Then, suddenly, at a silent command from someone, my guess would have been Carlisle, Edward swept me into his arms and carried me downstairs, depositing me into the same chair I had sat in at the dining room table only a week or so ago. Funny, it felt like approximately five months had gone by. I looked around at all the somewhat tired faces around me and suddenly felt very guilty for everything that I had caused. This had to be the worst week of their lives.

"Alight everyone," Carlisle said, bringing the meeting to a start, "Let's start the meeting, shall we?" Everyone nodded and he continued, "I think I speak for everyone when I say this has been one of the most exciting weeks the Cullens have ever had." Everyone nodded in agreement. "And Bella don't you try and feel guilty for anything. We had fun. Admittedly some people had a little less fun than others," he glanced at Emmett, Edward and Jasper, "but in the end everyone had a good time."

"Oh, speaking of which," I said. "Esme? I wanted to give this to you. It's from both me and Edward." I handed the square package that Edward had wrapped up with such beautiful gold paper.

Carefully Esme had opened the package and took out the photo album. She opened the first page and laughed. Inside were pictures detailing every major event that had happened during these past few weeks. Everything from my mood swings, to the football game, the "date" Edward and I had gone on to the kitchen that I had accidentally ruined. And of course there were also pictures of the maid uniforms and some of Emmett's escapades. Esme had laughed happily and then given each of us a hug.

"Thank you, dears, I love it." She smiled genuinely as she took her seat beside her husband. "Oh and look! There are blank pages so we can keep adding to it."

We all smiled and then Alice stood up. "Speaking of everything that's happened recently, I decided to make a list of things like the clothes we bought, loads of laundry done, appliances that broke, etc." She grinned widely. "Even I was surprised with the results. Okay, let's start with clothes. Over the course of Bella's stay we bought the following outfits in this order: several pairs of jeans, sweaters and shirts at the beginning of her stay, a football uniform, a cheerleader uniform, the leopard print accessories and black dress for Bella's date, jeans, a black turtleneck and a fedora for Edward, duckie pajama pants for Bella, a maid's uniform for Bella, maid uniforms for Esme, Rosalie and me, a maid's uniform for Emmett and a vampire nightgown and matching slippers. I know technically Esme already bought them, but I'm including them in the list anyway."

I groaned and hoped that was the end of the list . . . it wasn't. Alice continued, "We broke the following pieces of furniture, in this order: the window in the dining room, Emmett's Jeep, Edward's couch when I hit Jasper in the head with it, Edward punched a hole in his wall and Rosalie broke a window upstairs when Jasper was making everyone laugh, the dining room table, the floor in Edward's room and the ceiling in the living room, one of Esme's plants, some of Esme's china dishes, the glass mixing bowl, the oven, the kitchen window, the kitchen in general, part of the front lawn, part of the living room wall, some of Esme's gardens, and a bunch of pickle jars in the grocery store."  
Alice was about to start another list when Carlisle interrupted her. "That's enough, Alice."

Emmett sighed and leaned back in his chair. "Well this certainly has been crazy. For once I think I'm looking forward to our simple, boring lifestyle. And we'll never have to deal with this again, right Bella?" Emmett grinned a big, sloppy grin at me. "That's the nice thing about once-in-a-lifetime activities, it'll only happen once."

"Um . . . Emmett," I said, glancing at him and then around to the room at five more big grins. I looked at Carlisle and he shrugged.

"I guess they don't remember last time we talked about this," he said.

"Remember what?"

"Should I tell them or do you want to?"

"Tell us what?"

"I think you had better do it, Bella."

"Do what?"

"Guys, this is a cycle. And it happens . . . every 28 days."

The vampires stared at me with shocked expressions and slacked jaws.

The next morning . . .

"Good morning Doctor Cullen. You have a patient waiting for you in exam room two." One of the nurses greeted Carlisle as he came around to the front desk of the hospital.

"Good morning, Marissa." He took the file she offered. "Thank you," he said as he headed off to the exam room. He opened the door and peeked inside. Mike was sitting on the table, one of his shoes was lying on the floor and Mike was cradling his foot gingerly. "Good morning, Mike."

"Morning, Dr. Cullen."

"Having a problem with your foot?" Carlisle checked the chart and pulled out an x-ray that he quickly put up on the illuminated screen. A few of the bones in Mike's foot were broken and he would be needing a cast.

"Yeah," Mike said. "I think my foot might be broken. I was working the other day when it happened."

"Would you mind telling me what happened?"

"I don't really know what happened. I was carrying a box of tent spikes out of the back room; I was going to restock the shelves. And those spikes are pretty heavy, you know? Well I was carrying them and then suddenly I hear a high keening sound full of despair, like someone was in horrible, horrible pain. And it sounded like it was nearby but the store wasn't open yet and none of the employees saw anything or anyone near the store. Well it startled me and I accidentally dropped the box on my foot."

Carlisle grimaced and made a mental note to reprimand Emmett when he got home.


	11. Update and a New Story

Hi everyone!

Well we promised you guys that we would be writing another story, and the first chapter is up!

This one is a crazy Halloween theme story! Alice has decided that Bella need to experience a full traditional American Halloween.

So we of course turn the school upside-down while trying to celebrate Halloween. So a tiring eight days of Halloween. We had a lot of fun planning the costumes for the chapters and we hope that you'll enjoy our latest story.

The first chapter is just a set-up that explains the minor details of things.

And each of the following chapters count as one day that they celebrate Halloween. And you can bet that each one will be packed full of Cullen-family drama!

For anyone interested in reading our latest story the link is posted below. We hope to get some new chapters up soon but in the meantime please enjoy the first chapter of Vampire-O-Lantern!

fanfiction .net/s/5201489/1/

edit: the link won't post properly. So if you are copying and pasting you'll need to delete the space between the "fanfiction" and the ".net"

Thanks everyone!


	12. Update and Another New Story

Hello again, everyone!

We come bearing yet another update. For you see, we were hard at work writing a chapter of VOL (Vampire-O-Lantern) one day and we decided that Edward was going to pull a little prank, or a little practical joke on Bella for reasons that shall remain unsaid. But we were having so much fun trying to decide what prank he should pull that we just couldn't decide on one. So then it turned into Edward pranking Emmett instead, and the Emmett pranks him back, then Edward turns to someone else, the list goes on. And we had so many great pranks to choose from.

But then we looked back at the list and we said, "This is just getting off topic. We can't use this in VOL."

So we're making a whole new story! It's more of a mini-story/mini-series than an actual story, though. And each day (or so) I will post a new chapter. Each chapter is probably shorter than the chapters in our other stories and each one has one prank. The titles will tell you who is pranking who (which sometimes gives part of the secret away but it's just easier that way). I already have two chapters written. There will be about 13 of them, because we were having so much fun.

Oddly enough we wrote this out while we were in the library. My friend and I volunteer there with the children's summer reading program. But again, that's off topic. Though we had to try and keep our laughter to a minimum. :D

Anyway, please enjoy the story!

The link is below:

.net/s/5227859/1/


	13. Update and a Third New Story

Hi everybody!

Sheika here to bring you another new story for our Cullen series. This one is called "Fun in the Sun" and it picks up where VOL left off . . . kind of. I actually had the idea for this one a while ago but I hadn't gotten a chance to start on it before now. But since VOL is over we've suddenly got time for writing. Please forgive us if it's a bit stiff at times or if we take longer than usual to update, it takes some readjusting to get used to sheer plotlessness instead of structure (like in VOL). We do have quite a bit of fun planned, with our usual insanity and semi-perverted jokes.

So without further adu, enjoy Fun in the Sun!

(If you've gotten about eight new emails about new chapters popping up, I'm sorry, I've apparently misplaced my head today)

.net/s/6188645/1/Fun_in_the_Sun


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